Subtracting Self-Esteem: How Girls Feel About Their Number - Part 2
Furthermore, I think it's crucial for all us to surround ourselves with a supportive group of friends. Your parents might not be all that supportive of your sex life, and it's impossible to predict what a guy will be looking for. But your friends should always be there to help you through tough times to help lift you up, not to make you feel bad about yourself.
"Don't Judge Me"
Of course, not all of us feel regret about the partners we've been with in the past. But even among the girls who seem happy with their decisions, many of them are still worried that their numbers will be perceived negatively by other people.
"I know my number (13) is on the high side, and I'm not ashamed of it," Lauren*, a 20-year-old at the University of Connecticut, said. "But at the same time, I don't tell a lot of people because they can and will judge — even some of my friends that aren't as sexually active will judge me when they first find out."
This fear of being judged is very prominent among the survey respondents, especially by women who described their number as "high."
"I'm a very sexual person, and in the past year I've had somewhat of an awakening," Natalie*, a 20-year-old at the University of Michigan, said. "But I heard that the average lifetime 'number' for women is around 4, so I think others might judge me as promiscuous if they knew I've already been with 9 — I never tell my number to anyone."
Especially since our sexual experiences are so personal, it might not be a bad idea to keep our numbers on the D.L. Another thing to consider is that everybody has different standards of what's "too much" or "promiscuous" — so while one person might judge you for it, your number might be totally acceptable to lots of people. (Case in point: Mollie!) But in general, keeping our numbers on the D.L. is probably the best way to avoid unnecessary opinions and judgment.
Missing Out
While girls who described their number as "high" most often feared being judged or criticized by other people, that's not as big of an issue for the girls who described their number as "low." Since they've slept with fewer people, it's less likely that people will be thinking they're promiscuous, and they're less likely to regret any encounters, as well. However, that doesn't mean that all women with "lower" numbers are completely content with their sexual numbers.
"My number's on the low side (1) because right now, I've only been with my current boyfriend," Lindsey*, a 20-year-old at the University of Michigan said. "It's not like I wouldn't be interested in having a higher number."
Parisa*, a recent Boston University grad, agrees: "Because I've only slept with one person, I do wonder what it would be like to have a sexual experience with someone else," she said. "I adore the person I'm with and would never break it off because of that, but my friends talk about sex with new guys like it's just kissing, and I can't help but feel curious."
While women in relationships might feel like they're missing out on exciting sexual opportunities, women who just ended relationships can be in a tough spot, as well. In addition to all of the sadness that comes along with a breakup, it can take a while for them to be open to new sexual experiences and get their sex life back on track.
"The only person I've had sex with was a special person in my life — it was great for me, but now I feel pressure about how I should follow that up," Elizabeth*, a 19-year-old at the University of Michigan, says. "I would feel so weird if my first was super meaningful and the second was just some random guy."
Between regretting the past, fearing judgment from friends and loved ones, and wondering if we're missing out on anything, it's clear that our sexual self-esteems could use some improvement. As you read on to the other articles in this package, think about your own number and how it makes you feel — and remember, like Berlin advised earlier, the best way to clean your sexual slate is to accept everything about your past.
