Real Live College Guy Joe: Guys Kissing & Telling and Safe Sexts

Ever wonder what guys think, how to deal with them, or whether instead of listening to you they just imagine you naked?  Our Real Live College Guy Joe will answer all your questions about men and relationships with wit, clarity, grace, and physical attractiveness (can you tell he wrote this intro himself?) all while imagining you fully clothed!  Well, usually – he is a college guy.
 

 
Do guys kiss and tell?  Who are they telling?  And how much do they spill?  Should I be worried? 
- Curious at Columbia

I'll be frank: guys kiss and tell.  Don't delude yourself, and don't believe him if he says he doesn't.  Maybe he won't tell stories with lots of p's and v's, but that's probably because those words make him giggle.  I can guarantee you that, at the very least, he's said something like, "So, anyone want to know what kind of pink, size 2, Hello Kitty underwear Susie wore yesterday?" 
 
But don't fret.  Bragging about hook-ups is an ancient form of male chest-beating, dating back to those cave drawings where the stick-figure caveman is talking to his loin-cloth clad buddies with a word bubble filled with many large bosomed female stick figures.  What I'm saying is that every guy kisses, tells, and exaggerates, but it's for that very reason that this practice poses no danger to your honor.  It's a game, not a judgment on your character.  I'll illuminate why you shouldn't be worried by explaining who your hook-up will tell, what he will tell, and why it is virtually harmless.  
 
Who We Tell
 
Though duping someone with mostly female anatomy to insert their tongue into his suspect oral cavity is an unbelievable triumph for a guy, he won't share it with all his friends and family.  Guys only share that information with their closest friends – granted, if a guy's mom is his closest friend, then he's got his own problems.  He'll share the story with his roommates, maybe the guys in his frat, maybe everyone at the gym (just kidding).  But guys aren't going to tell every one of their casual acquaintances because 1) that would be weird, and 2) you have just as much dirt on him and his back moles as he does on you and yours.
 
What We Tell
 
Sometimes, it's true, guys exaggerate.  You made out on the dance floor for a couple seconds?  He'll tell everyone you went down on him while dancing on a stripper pole.  You actually did go down on him while dancing on a stripper pole?  He'll everyone you only made out on the dance floor for a couple seconds – on the moon. 
 
But these exaggerations are usually sniffed out immediately, or, more often, guys never use the girl's real name to ward off fact-checkers.  Mostly, guys talk about their hook-ups in stock phrases – head, doggy style, post-sex crying – because sex stories are like Sportscenter: guys are more concerned with highlights than the play-by-play.  They won't talk about the dirty talking you did or how loudly you orgasmed.  Give us a little credit: most guys understand what is really, really private.  More importantly, guy friends don't care about that kind of thing.  They care about what makes this particular hook-up story interesting: exotic locations, comparative levels of drunkness, whether or not a cat was involved.  And guys won't talk about role-playing or tantric stuff or the fact that your safe word is "Bunny," mostly because that could be embarrassing for him, too. 
 
One thing guys definitely talk about, though, is whether or not you're shaved.  So, please, for the love of everything holy, do it.  Last year's Real Live College Guy agrees. 
 
Why You Shouldn't Worry
 
Even though he will tell his close friends about your hook-up in a little detail, my personal opinion is that you shouldn't worry too much.  For one thing, if you're even mildly selective about guys – which you obviously are, since you came to such an erudite, attractive gentleman for advice – you will likely choose one that won't destroy your honor the morning after.  Most guys will mention your hook-up, Facebook stalk you, maybe even real-life stalk you, but not get into real nitty gritty of the hook-up.  And even if he tells his friends, "Yea, she gave me a bj," so what?  His friends will understand that you shared an intimate moment, and be happy for you (a.k.a. insanely jealous).  They will not come knocking at your door asking if it is the offices of the Blow Job Lady.  So, in almost every hook-up scenario, you really have nothing to worry about. 
 
Granted, every girl is allowed an occasional sleazeball, known today as a "bro."  He might get into a little more detail about your big knockers and your really great personality, or whatever bros talk about.  But even then you shouldn't worry, because his friends aren't really listening.  They'll chuckle, maybe punch him in the shoulder, definitely shotgun a beer, but that's it.  The hook-up exists as a story, a crystallized moment in time, a cool triumph for their bro.  They don't actually care about you, or anyone, really.  Here are some diagrams to illustrate my point:
 
What goes on in a guy's head: 
 
Danny + Sex with Amanda = Danny is the man
 
What does NOT go on in a guy's head:
 
Danny + Sex with Amanda = Amanda is impure!
 
For all you non-math people who read my column: when any guy kisses and tells, they and their friends don't care about what you did, they care about his good fortune.
And remember, we're in college here.  People don't start nasty rumors about you in the girl's locker room anymore, unless of course you do something really heinous like have a pimple that so totally should have been popped yesterday.  Seriously though, if you go far, sex-wise, with a guy, people won't be calling you slut the next morning.  Unless your name is Slut, in which case I am truly sorry. 
 

 
How do guys feel about sexting?  Are guys always glad to receive a sext, or do some guys find it weird or trashy?  And what about sending sexts back to the girl – are guys into it, or are they nervous it might get "leaked" somehow, like a sex tape?  And how graphic should sexts be, and what is the best time of day to send them?  Are drunken sexts (like with typos, or just really late at night) bad?  If you've never sexted a guy before, is it okay to just send him one?  How do you know if he will like it?  Help me out with all things sexting-related! 
- Sexty at South Dakota
 
There is an overriding rule that you should always apply to your romantic dealings with the testicled ones: guys love sex.  Whether it's having sex, sexting, or sex-Morse-coding, guys love everything to do with sex.  Of course, there is a certain etiquette to sexting, which I will explore in two parts: When to Sext, and What to Sext.  Honestly, though, if you already have the impulse to share your sexual fantasies in beautifully misspelled T9 and bbm concoctions, you are in a very good place indeed. 
 
When to Sext
 
First we will explore at what point in a relationship it's okay to begin sexting.  Granted, if you found the phone number of a random guy and sent him a message about your sopping wet panties, I'm sure he would appreciate it.  But you want to save your sexts for a very special someone, just like how you're really picky about who you make out with when you're really drunk. 
 
Seriously, though, I would wait to sext a guy until you've established a pretty regular pattern of sleeping together.  You don't need to be officially dating or married or divorced then remarried or anything, just comfortable enough together that when you text, "My puffola misses your fuffola," he'll know what you're talking about.  If you follow this rule, you won't have to worry whether he'll think it's weird or not.  Had you sexted him before you've even learned if he's circumcised or not, he might think you're a nympho.  But if you text a comfortable sex partner when you're feeling extra randy, he will only ever interpret it as totally and completely hot. 
 
Secondly, you must think about what time of day to sext.  The nighttime sext is a classic go-to move.  Texts like, "Lying in bed thinking of you" and "My teddy says he wants you really bad" are a great form of long-distance intimacy.  If he's lying in bed, too, you can engage in long hours of back-and-forth text sex, more than enough time for you to have driven to his place and actually had sex (while sexting is cute, the real thing is always better).  Or, if he's out, your nighttime sexts will add an element of excitement as he plays "Hide the Boner" while bar hopping. 
 
Daytime sexting, meanwhile, is a tragically underutilized treasure.  Receiving an "I want you" text in the middle of the day is a sure pick-me-up for any guy.  For some added fun, send him a "Meet me in the closet in 5," but only if you are in the closet and there is enough space to tie each other up, or whatever you do for sex.  Just make sure sexting is only an occasional thing – daily sexts can get in the way of a guy's daily activities, which are mostly just thinking about sex. 
 
What to Sext
 
Sexters throughout time – from today's smart phones to the cavemen who wrote sexy messages on stone tablets then beat each other over the head with them – have perfected a few rules about what to sext.  Here is what I think they are:

• Stick to what you know – If you've had enough sex with a guy, you'll know what turns him on.  You don't have to get inventive in your sexts, like pretend you're a muscular cheetah dressed in a nurse costume.  Just describe what you usually do together, and it will be enough.
• Don't expect too much – Sexting has obvious limits, i.e., the lack of a naked lady emoticon and the difficulty of putting your sexy squeals in text form.  Additionally, as with real sex, you can't expect a guy to be very original.  He's going to write what he knows, so just be glad you won't have to put up with his crying afterwards. 
• Don't tease – Say you write something like, "I want your thingy dingy… K bye!"  After reading this message, your guy will find the nearest bathtub, fill it with water, then get in it with a toaster oven.  So if you want to keep your sex partner and not get charged with manslaughter, sext for at least as long as the real act of sex takes.  I'm sure you can spare the 15 seconds.
• Be uninhibited – Your guy will not worry about your sexts getting leaked; frankly, he would find it awesome and might land him on a reality TV show.  Also, sexts are just not something your guy will share with his friends, if only because they might see his messages about how much he lovey doveys you and about how he keeps his socks on at all times.  So be graphic.  Use the actual names of bodily organs, mention all the sex positions you know and love, tell him you're touching yourself, even if you're really just scratching an itch.  It will show you're comfortable with him, and it will be as close to the real thing as you can get.

 
Those are about all the rules I can think of for sexting.  Most importantly, just be true to yourself and your own desires.  As I said, guys love sex.  If you show that you love sex, too, and speak about it in direct, intimate, and realistic terms, you will only become closer and more comfortable as sexual partners.  As they say in the sexting biz, "Do wuteva u want, babay."