Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire: What We Lie About in Relationships

Although I'm ashamed to admit it, I've lied my fair share of times in relationships. I never lie with the intention to hurt someone; however, without lying again, I cannot say that I have always been successful in this. In some situations, lying is acceptable – for example, if your boyfriend asks, "Do you think my friend is hot?" But, where do we draw the line? Why do we lie? And, how do we tell if someone is lying to us? And if they are, is it okay?
 
HOW TO TELL IF HE'S LYING
 
Girls, if we've been lying, then trust me – he has been, too. We all do it. And since any successful relationship is based in trust, you'll want to be able to recognize the signs that he is deceiving you. Keep reading…we have the scoop.

• If you're suspicious of your man, watch his hands. "Showing his palms indicates comfort and openness, so when he's lying, he'll instinctively feel the need to conceal them," says Patti Wood, author of Success Signals: A Guide to Reading Body Language.
• Be wary of the nonchalant shrug when confronting someone about a lie. Although the gesture may imply that he has nothing to be guilty of, the opposite is true. "The shrug is his way of canceling out the untruth, much like crossing his fingers behind his back, except he's unaware of the motion," says body language expert Janine Driver. "It's also his subconscious way of not committing to the lie and avoiding guilt."

 

• However, there is hope if your man uses this next move. If while explaining himself, he rubs just beneath his nose with his index finger, then he's lying. In this way, he is subconsciously covering his mouth to keep the truth from escaping. However, "this sign is usually exhibited by men who don't typically lie, so they feel remorse," says Wood. So, it's somewhat better.

 
Other Signs He's Lying

• He can't tell his story in reverse
• He has big "buts"
• He licks his lips or flicks out his tongue before speaking
• He holds your gaze
• He can't adapt when one part of the story is proven untrue

WHY HE LIES
 
From little white lies to major indiscretions, we lie for myriad reasons. The severity of the lie is often determined by personal preference. To one person, a "little white lie" may actually be deal-breaking infidelity. Before you accuse your man of being dishonest, let us tell you why he may be feeling the need to lie.
 
He Doesn't Want to Hurt Your Feelings
 
We've all asked the age-old question; that is, of course, "Do I look fat in this?" Any man with a brain says no, as he does not want to upset you. This reasoning comes into play many times during a relationship. "Little lies, in my opinion, are just to keep the relationship going smoothly," says Jordan DiLeonardi, a sophomore at DePaul University. So, although you may be upset upon discovering dishonesty, be reasonable. Sometimes your man is actually lying to keep the peace.
 
He Wants to Avoid a Fight
 
I'll admit it – I can be psychotically jealous, as I'm sure many of you can be, too. So, sometimes men lie to avoid a fight. "If I knew my boyfriend didn't like that I was texting another guy, I wouldn't tell him," says Katrina Clark, a University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee student. "I would only do this because I don't want it to blow up into an unnecessary argument." See, girls do it, too! Men and women alike would rather lie than fight. Ladies, choose your battles wisely.
 
It's Easy
 
As sad as it is, sometimes it is easier to lie than it is to tell the truth. In a relationship, we reserve the right to question (albeit unfairly) everything a man says or does. I know – I've done it. As such, men choose to lie to get us off their backs – figuratively, of course. Jordan says, "It's easier than having to explain yourself in detail. Girlfriends are always questioning no matter what the event." If you want to keep him from lying, then respect his space.
 
Since the reason for lying varies from person to person, I compiled a list of examples from men across the country of times they've lied. Read on, ladies – some may sound familiar…as we all know, boys tend to lack creativity.

• "I told my girlfriend that I couldn't hang out because I had too much homework to do, but really, I just didn't want to take the time to get ready and drive over to her house." – John, University of Missouri student
• "My girlfriend asked what I was doing, so I said getting drinks with friends, but I was actually selling adderall. I knew she'd be upset, so I didn't tell her." – Mike
• "I had sex with someone else, but I didn't want my relationship to end. So, I kept it a secret – it was a one time thing, just a mistake." – Robert, University of Missouri student
• "I started to have feelings for my ex-girlfriend, so I decided to end it with my current girlfriend. She asked if I still loved her and I said no, even though I did. It would have been too hard." – Matt, University of Illinois student
• "My girlfriend hated one of my really close female friends. We hung out all the time, but I always said I was 'with my boys' when my girlfriend asked. It wasn't worth the fight – nothing was going on." – Mike, University of Iowa student
• "I was watching 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' with my girlfriend and she asked who has a better body – her or Kim Kardashian. I'm not an idiot – I said her, but c'mon – it's definitely Kim!" – Pat, University of Illinois student

 
WHAT TO DO
 
I know that being lied to is tough, which means it is up to you to decide how to handle the situation. "When you are lied to by someone who you love, you feel betrayed," says Matt DuBois, a University of Illinois sophomore. "It hurts your self-esteem because you wonder why someone you trust would hurt you." Ladies, you must decide whether the lie was a deal-breaker or not. After all, remember that you have probably lied before, too.
 
Confront Him
 
If you think your significant other has been lying to you, then you must confront him. However, to obtain the most information, you must follow certain guidelines. First, do something else while you speak to him whether it be watching television or cooking dinner. "This will get him talking, because it feels like you've initiated a routine conversation, not an interrogation," says Driver. Next, do not start the conversation with an accusation. If so, he will immediately be on the offensive, thus lessening the chance that he will be honest with you. As previously stated, sometimes men will do anything to avoid a fight. Next, let him speak. Interruptions will add stress to the conversation and also increase the chance of an argument. If he's willing to talk, then be willing to listen.
 
Explain Yourself
 
You have the right to be upset when you've been lied to; however, you do not have the right to attack him. If you calmly and rationally explain your feelings, he is more likely to discuss a possible solution. As hard as it is, try to maintain your composure. Screaming and crying will only dramatize the situation, which will not lead to a resolution. Start by saying that you understand he felt a need to lie, but you want a relationship based in honesty. Next, tell him that your feelings are hurt – you feel betrayed, deceived, etc. Finally, ask what you can do to make him feel at ease in the relationship – your boyfriend really does want to be honest with you. If you are both working towards change, the relationship will drastically improve.
 
Ask for Time
 
Now that you've discussed what you can do, tell him you need to see effort on his side, too. You should make clear to your boyfriend that lying is unacceptable and if you choose to continue in the relationship, it will not be tolerated in the future. Then, spend some time apart. After a deception, each side needs time to reevaluate the relationship. During this time, you should think about whether you can forgive the betrayal. In addition, consider whether or not you can make the necessary changes to ensure he will feel comfortable being open with you. He should be thinking about whether or not he can be completely honest with you in the future. Pick a time to discuss your decision and do not speak until then – this includes looking at his Facebook and/or asking your friends to talk to him!
 
Make a Choice
 
Finally, you have to decide. When it comes time to meet, be ready with an answer. You should not base your decision on what he has decided. If you are willing to move forward and he is willing to stay honest, then the relationship has a chance. Remember, however, that both of you were thinking. If he cannot commit to being truthful, then you must move on. If you cannot completely forgive the lie, then end the relationship. Do not punish each other. As much as you will want to, you cannot change him. So, either stay together or move on – there is no in-between.
 
HOW TO DEAL
 

After you've made the decision whether to forgive him or to forget him, move on. If you've chosen to forgive the indiscretion, then do not use it against him in future arguments. If you do, he will be more likely to lie again in the future, as he sees what happens when you uncover the truth.  However, if you chose to end the relationship, then start to get over him – head out with your friends, dive into work, start a new exercise program – anything to get your mind off him.
 
Always choose to love yourself more than you love him – forget it and start fresh. "I knew I'd never be able to forgive the lie," says Mallory Abuzeni, a student at Boston University. "So, I started to look for a boyfriend who would be honest with me." There are plenty of men who are willing to tell you the truth.
 
Sources
 Mallory Abuzeni, Boston University student
 Jordan, DePaul University student
 Matt DuBois, University of Illinois student
 Katrina Clark, University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee student
 John, University of Missouri student
 Mike, student
 Robert, University of Missouri student
 Mike, University of Iowa student
 Pat, University of Illinois student
 Patti Wood, author of Success Signals: A Guide to Reading Body Language
 Janine Driver, body language expert and Spokeswoman for Gillette Venus razors and NYT Best-Selling author of YOU SAY MORE THAN YOU THINK: A 7-Day Plan to Using the New Body Language to Get What You Want!
 http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/liar-body-language-0509
 http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/dating-advice/tell-the-truth-0909?click=main_sr
 http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/how-to-tell-hes-lying
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