The Other BFF: The Bye Friend Forever (After She Gets a Boyfriend)

We've all seen it happen. Slowly but surely you stop hearing from your BFF mid-day. Then she blows you off for lunch. Then you can't even get the girl to go out with you. Is she sick? Yes. Lovesick. While lovesickness isn't contagious, it's really annoying. One of the most irritating of all the symptoms is avoidance of girlfriends. But expect that when the lovesickness is over, and the follow-up disease heartbreak arrives, you'll be on call for your BFF to mourn the loss of a guy who did nothing for you but take her away.
 
Let's go over the symptoms of this brutal disease that's sweeping college campuses and then figure out how to deal.
 
"Huh? What'd You Say?"
 
"I didn't realize at the time, but looking back, it was when Norah* didn't listen to me when I was telling her legitimately important stories about my life because she was texting her boyfriend, that I should have realized she was one of those girls who can't be friends with girls when she has a boyfriend," explained Jeanna, a junior at Fordham University.
 

 
Starts as an annoying little thing; you're telling her about your new crush, a fight with your parents, or an article you read in the school newspaper and she just can't be bothered to listen. Maybe it's just an occasional thing, but when you notice the texts are completely unimportant, like "I just drank water" and they make her incapable of hearing your important stuff, it could be a bad sign.
 
"Grace* gets this look in her eye when she's texting her boyfriend Paul*," Jenna, a senior at Cornell University complained. "It's like she's totally in the zone and you can't get through to her."
 
"My mom says I have to come home…" also known as "I don't feel great."
 
Excuses, excuses. Also known as symptoms, symptoms.
 
Your friend all of a sudden — after furious texting — has to go home. She doesn't feel well, her mom says she needs to come home, her roommate needs her, whatever. If this "all of a sudden" is happening all the time, she's probably trying to make it seem like she's not the kind of friend who'd ditch you for a guy, all the while actually being said person.
 

You're about as sick as Ferris Buehler.
 
"When someone would criticize Lizzy* or people would talk about stuff she didn't want to discuss she'd often take that as an out and leave due to her roommate desperately needing her. Well one time after Lizzy ran out I ran into her roommate. She was fine. Lizzy was with John*. Liar," scowled Krista, a senior at Cornell University.
 
This is clearly annoying because you're being both lied to and ditched! Rude.
 
"Where's [Insert Friend Here]?"
 
Your BFF was supposed to come out with you and the girls to see a movie. Last minute she cancels. Just like last week…and the week before that.
 
Jeanna recalled when Norah went missing. "Suddenly she just stopped showing up. We could never get her to hang out with us anymore. She was always with Mike. Or, worst of all, with Mike's friends!"
 
The disappearance is almost complete.
 
"You have reached the voice mail of…"
 
"When Nicole* is with her boyfriend you absolutely, 100% cannot get a hold of her," explained Beth, a senior at Montclair State University. "I have had emergencies where all I wanted to do was talk to her. All texts and voicemails have been ignored. We aren't really friends anymore. Although I doubt she even realizes."
 

I just want to talk to you! I'm so sad without you!
 
If you can't get your friend on the phone when you need her most, what's the point? What kind of friend is that?
 
Soon you won't see her name on your most recent call log. She won't be meeting you for lunch on campus anymore because she's too busy eating her second meal of the day with the 'love of her life.' You'll be seeing her out at night — from a distance. You'll be heading into the party, she'll be renting a movie with him. You just lost your friend.
 
…But what does the boyfriend think?
 
Kevin, a senior at Cornell, did not like the idea of a girl ditching her friends — permanently — for him.
 
"It's kind of disturbing if you think about it. She ditches all her friends and only focuses on me? Too much! Plus I want to maintain my friends too so I would expect her to as well. I don't want a girlfriend, or for that matter a wife, who has no friends except me!"
 
What if you want to stop this vicious cycle?
 
Beth said that when she tried to confront Nicole about her ignoring her and being a bad friend, Nicole repeatedly owned up to her actions.
 
"She even promised she'd change. But she never did. However, another friend of mine had a similar talk (why are you being such a bad friend and ditching me for your boyfriend?!) with her more rational friend, who stepped back, took a look at her actions, and did make somewhat of an effort to modify them."
 
The only thing you can do is explain the actions your friend is taking towards you and her boyfriend and hope she can see it from the single gal's perspective. Too often your friend will accuse you of just being jealous — so make sure to nip that thought it the bud. Say something like:
 
"I'm so happy that you found such a great guy! You guys seem like a great couple! But I've got to tell you. I miss my friend. When I'm with you, you ignore me to text him. You leave social events early to go see him or don't show up at all. When you're with him, I can never get a hold of you! Remember when Barbie did this with Ken? It sucked. I really wish I could see you and talk to you more. Maybe we could arrange a standing lunch date each week?"
 

Dr. Fayr Barkley, a human behavior expert, weighed in on this all-too-often predicament.
 
"I don't know one female who has not lost or had to share her BFF with the new man in her life. It isn't a negative thing; it's a fact of life. Let's face it. When a man comes into our lives, we do make changes—even little ones," she explained.
 
But when making these adjustments, someone has to pay a price — in this case the BFF.
 
"We may be happy for our girlfriend, but miss out on the time and attention we once shared together. One solution is to have more than one good female friend. That way, the void is not so noticeable and we can fill it up with others," she offered.
 
Just like you're suggesting your friend not carry all her eggs in one boyfriend basket (no pun intended) — you should do the same. Don't depend on one girlfriend to be the girl you go out with, call everyday, turn to for advice, get dinner with, and hit the mall with. You're only setting yourself up to be disappointed when she gets a distraction, whether it be a boyfriend, new job, or other friends.
 
"Also, recognize that while she may be head over heels with this guy for the moment, the relationship may not go the distance and when it is in its new phase, our girlfriend may understandably be spending as much time with her new guy as she can, until they establish a routine and settle into it. Thirdly, you can pick out a special card for your friend and jot a note at the bottom saying that you are so happy for her new relationship and that while you do miss spending time with her you understand her new circumstance and you are happy that she has found someone special and you hope she will be able to share some time with you when she is able," Dr. Barkley suggested.
 
"Being prepared to spend less time with your girlfriend by making sure you have a fall back plan is important," Dr. Barkley said honestly.  "And remember: the next gal who finds the cool guy who takes her away from her BFFs just might be YOU!"
 
There you have it: the symptoms and 50% effective cure for lovesickness.
 
And when you inevitably have to deal with a friend who comes crawling back to you after she and the love of her life broke up.
 
*Name has been changed
 
Sources
Dr. Fayr Barkley, human behavior expert
College girls from across the country