Numbers and Relationships – What Women Want - Part 2
Another aspect to consider is the type of relationship that you have with the sexual partner in question. Many girls on the survey talked about the "numbers" conversation in terms of romantic relationships; significantly fewer women thought it was important to discuss before a casual hookup.
If you do want to get romantically involved, however, honesty might be the best policy. Ali Berlin, HC's Dating Doctor and resident relationship expert, says that while comparing numbers isn't necessarily critical to a relationship, discussing the past is important.
"Intimacy in a relationship is more important than comparing numbers, but one aspect of intimacy is discussing sexual health, the past, desires, fears, pleasures, pains, and passion," Berlin said. "More than what you're actually discussing, it's all about how you discuss it – it's about being respectful, sincere, and supportive despite the content of each person's experience and disclosure."
If you do want to bring it up, when is the right time?
Well, if you know you want a serious relationship with your partner, Berlin has very straightforward advice about the right time to talk.
"Talk about numbers and all other topics that may be emotionally charged BEFORE you find yourself hot and horizontal!" she said.
Not all college girls in my survey agreed with this suggestion, however, possibly because not all of us are looking for serious relationships with every sexual encounter. While most people agreed that numbers would come up at some point in an exclusive relationship, some girls thought it was unnecessary to discuss before that point.
"Guys might think my number is high, so I don't like to share it with people at the risk of looking like I'm easy," Jackie*, a 21-year-old senior at Harvard University, said. "If I was really serious with a guy I'd tell him, but I'd never talk about numbers in the early stages of dating someone."
Some girls also think that talking about numbers too early on could get in the way of getting to know a guy for his personality.
"I wouldn't want to know a partner's number right away, because if it was higher than mine, I might feel intimidated or detached right off the bat," April, an 18-year-old at the University of Michigan, said. "Later down the road, [when I already knew I felt a certain way about him,] I'd be OK with knowing his number."
So what do we want from guys, anyway?
This is somewhat of a loaded question, because we all want different things. The one thing that we can all agree is that we'd prefer a guy who's STD-free – so make sure to use condoms, get your guy tested, and get tested frequently yourself!
But in general, girls prefer a guy with a number that isn't "outrageously high," as 18-year-old University of Michigan student Susan* puts it. That being said, the girls seemed to expect guys to have a number equal to or higher than their own. There is a general consensus among the girls that guys have higher numbers than girls do – which, as we all know, probably isn't true in all situations. Yet only one girl out of the 100 expressed a preference for a guy with a lower number than hers – on the whole, we definitely want a guy with some experience.
"It's definitely worse for me if a guy's number is low, because it suggests to me that he might not be comfortable being adventurous in bed," Natalie*, a 20-year-old at the University of Michigan, said.
Courtney*, an 18-year-old at the University of Michigan, values sexual confidence more than a high number: "I'd like my partner to be experienced, for sure," she says. "But at the same time, I don't have to ask a guy what his number is to tell if he knows what he's doing."
But while we like a man with experience, the girls in my survey were divided over how much sexual prowess is too much.
"I want a guy's number to be relatively low, because I don't want to be just another girl my partner's been with," Marnie*, a 20-year-old at the University of Michigan. "I wouldn't feel special if a guy's number was too high."
"Too high," of course, is a very subjective determination. The girls in my survey had very different opinions of a cut-off number for guys, with the ideal guy's limit ranging anywhere from 2 to 40.
For many girls, the solution to this delicate balance between "too low" and "too high" is to find a guy with a number that's "just right" – which is usually close to the girl's number.
"I've found that I feel most comfortable with someone who has slept with about the same number of people that I have because it usually reflects similar views on sex and relationships," Michelle*, a 20-year-old at Mount Holyoke College, said. "And that way you know the guy can't judge you either way."
