Numbers and Relationships – What Women Want - Part 1
This piece appeared as part of a series on your "number" - see the rest of the package here.
As we've seen in other articles, it can be difficult for us to personally come to terms with our own numbers. So what happens when we throw another person – and another number – into the mix? A lot of complications and anxiety, that's what. Below are some of the trickiest questions that we have to answer about numbers and relationships, and what the answers are to some of our fellow college girls.
Should we ever have "the talk" with a guy?
Let's start with the most basic question – should we be talking about numbers with a guy at all? How important to a relationship is it to know the details about each other's sexual pasts, and does the type of relationship we have with a guy make a difference?
"I think it's important to know your partner's number because as his number rises, so does his risk for having an STI," Aysha*, a 20-year-old at the University of Michigan, said.
The risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease was overwhelmingly the top reason why the women in my survey said that numbers were important to discuss. And given the potentially devastating consequences of STDs, girls are definitely right to want to protect themselves sexually.
But if a guy gets tested and comes up clean, then what? Is the number still important?
"Numbers are extremely important to discuss because sex is such a personal and intimate thing, and people degrade its meaning when they sleep around with a bunch of people," Angela*, a recent graduate of the University of Connecticut, said. "I would need future partners to have a low number like mine because it shows that they respect the meaning of having a sexual relationship."
Many of the girls referenced the desire for a future partner's number to be similar to their own, because they thought that a similar number would reflect a similar alignment in attitudes about sex. But relationships can work despite a number difference, and not all girls think that a number is something that should be really important.
"Before I was in a relationship I thought that numbers would be important to discuss, but now that I'm in one, I don't think they really matter," Tiffany*, a 20-year-old at the University of Michigan, said. "As long as he's committed to me now, why should I care how many people my boyfriend has slept with in the past?"
It's obvious that there are things in a relationship that are more important than numbers, and how much weight you choose to put on a numbers conversation is a personal choice that's totally up to you. But do you even have to discuss your numbers at all?
"I was told as a young teenager that you never discuss your number, and I've stuck by that principle," Lily*, a 20-year-old at Harvard University, said. "With a partner, you should establish whether you've had sex before for sexual health purposes and leave it at that – elaborating would just make both people jealous."
On a similar note, Elizabeth*, a 19-year-old at the University of Michigan, says: "I think anytime you talk about numbers you're going to end up in deep trouble. No one wants to picture their partner sleeping with someone else."
