Real Live College Guy Joey: To-The-Point Answers to 4 New Questions About Foreplay, Flirty Friendships & Keggers
- Baffled at Bates
My dear unfortunate friend, I believe this to be a case of "does he" or "doesn't he," and with that in mind—ignoring how obvious that conclusion is—I say to you, does he touch you flirtatiously? Does he compliment certain outfits or hair dos? Do you bicker as only an adorably annoying couple can? If you answered an affirmative to any of the aforementioned questions, it's safe to assume that this dude is seeking more than friendship. As a naturally flirtatious man-beast myself, it's hard to toe the line between simply friends-that-flirt, and friends-that-flirt-'cause-they-want-more. As I say with all other questions concerning the "should I tell him?" question, I implore you to remember that honesty always trumps insecurity. If you're truly nervous about broaching the topic, make it as light as possible. Try a simple white lie to get the ball rolling, a nice "So-and-so said we flirt all the time…Crazy, huh??" It's entirely likely that your man-friend will feel the same way, and if he doesn't, you've left more than enough room to joke about it alongside him—inner torment notwithstanding.
2. How can I attract guys at a keg party? I am one of those girls who is fun but doesn't look like a model.
– Flip-cupping at Florida State
The luck is yours then, Florida, because blessedly most women don't look like those airbrushed skeletons that magazines mean for you to aspire to. As far as attracting guys solely at keg parties…I'm a tad confused. I take it to mean you want male attention while at pseudo-archetypal college fiestas. If so, forget that there's anyone there you could be interested in. The best advice I've ever given someone was that guys really can sense when someone is desperate for a boyfriend or a relationship-of-sorts. Relax! Have fun with your friends and guys should come your way. Don't make yourself too obviously available. Having fun with friends should be your numero uno goal at "keg parties." Any benefits you reap from male attention should come secondary. Don't worry about not looking like a "model," and focus instead on having fun. Just by doing that you should gain the attention you desire. Guys aren't interested in girls that seem on the prowl for attention; however, don't expect an immediate crowd of men vying for your attention. The best thing to remember is that once you're comfortable with yourself, guys will be too.
3. I've been dating a guy for a while and we've both never had sex but we make out all the time. What does it mean when he gets on top of me? What should I do?
-Confused at Colgate
Quite the confusing question you pose, Colgate. To put it plainly—and a tad profanely—his getting on top of you can mean one of two (or both) things. If he's simply lying on top of you while you're macking, then he may just prefer being the one doing the controlling. Now, on the other hand, if he's clearly mimicking the act of sex, then your dude is down to get things moving. Try and see if you notice any rubbing… I'm going to end that train of thought. If he's mimicking the act of sex, then your guy is ready to take the leap, or at least getting ready. Now your next step, if you're both new to the act of fornication, is to address this idea with each other. Are you ready to take the plunge? Is he? Keeping in mind the horror of talking about sex rather than initiating the act, it's probably best to just bring up "the next phase" of your dating. By bringing up the next phase in your pseudo-relationship, the topic of sex should come up naturally.
4. Ok, so this guy and I had been hanging out since we moved to college in August. And we started dating sometime in November because he wanted to take the relationship slow since he'd been hurt in past relationships. Everything was great and the semester ended and we went home for semester break. When we came back something just wasn't right, so I asked if everything was ok and he said he wanted to move back to just being friends. Said I'm amazing and that he likes everything about me, but he realized he isn't ready for a relationship. Now I'm left feeling played and wondering what happened in those three weeks we were apart. What could have changed his mind?
-Single at Stanford
To be completely frank, I assume that because you did indeed begin seeing one another right away—even "unofficially"—our said man didn't get to experience the whole single-at-college kind of deal. Unfortunately this is totally normal. Most guys come to regret being in a relationship immediately upon their entry at college. I can only assume that this dude went home and realized, either through conversations with friends or through introspective analysis (to be honest, probably the former), that maybe he needed to try being on his own for a while. As sure as a person who doesn't know the both of you can be, I'm nearly positive that this is what befell your romance. Don't stress about what YOU may have done, focus instead on how he was apprehensive from the start. Who knows? Maybe this'll end up being good for the both of you. College is supposed to be "the time of our lives," and all that jazz, go out and enjoy being a single college coed for a while.
Scarborough: Let's be honest – there's something seductive about a guy who's off-limits, but he's off-limits for a reason. There are billions, literally billions of guys out there. Why do you have to pull one right out from under your friend's nose? Friendships are built on trust, and that trust is violated when you dig into one another's "leftovers."
Scarborough: It is absolutely, positively not okay to put your paws on someone from your friend's past for any reason whatsoever. Just imagine how you'd feel if the roles were reversed. Even if time has passed and it seems like the feelings between them have died, that's not an excuse. There's no erasing the fact that your friend has history with the guy, and if you get physical with him, you're trespassing. Simple as that.
Scarborough: Hookups are a tricky thing. We like to tell ourselves it's just physical and doesn't mean anything, but we're not as in control as we think. Bonding chemicals are released into a woman's system when she reaches orgasm, and regardless of who the guy is or how much he might not be the right fit, we can still get attached. So even though you might think your friend wasn't emotionally involved with him, it's not so black and white.
Scarborough: If you have a particular girlfriend who is going out of her way to hang out with your ex, you probably need to have a major discussion with her about respecting your friendship. If she doesn't understand why you're upset or doesn't seem to care, she's not a true friend. If she's keeping him around with the intention of hooking up with him or dating him in the future, move on from both of them.
Although I truly do want to be single, I have found it incredibly easy to go back to my old habits these past two months. Recently, I found myself in the apartment of an attractive male. We discussed the fact that we both were not interested in having a relationship, but I still felt myself developing a crush on him. Admittedly, I felt safe and desired with him, which is something I find difficult to feel when I'm standing alone. A few days after I spent the night, he rejected me, giving me an inappropriately serious speech for our casual relationship. Four years ago, three years, ago, two years ago, one year ago I would have tried harder. I would have altered bits and pieces of my personality in an attempt to woo this human. But I cannot do that anymore. I cannot, and will not, focus on a relationship with a boy I hardly know. Instead, I am choosing to focus my time on a relationship with a girl I have neglected for far too long.
We are left with several stories that begin with a similar motive but end in two different ways. For the bad and the ugly stories, if it weren't for technology these girls may have never known their boyfriend was a cheater. It's a risk you take when you snoop, but according to 
After the initial honeymoon stage of your relationship wears off, a fight every now and then is inevitable. While you may be angry at something your guy did, kicking, screaming and breaking out into World War III will get you nothing but a noise complaint. Though your hopes and dreams of a fight-free relationship are being shattered, remember arguments are normal and, even more importantly, necessary.
It's never easy to fess up to doing something wrong. Whether small, like ripping his favorite sweater while rocking the "boyfriend" look, or large, like kissing another guy at a party, starting a conversation that you know probably won't end well can be next to impossible. Before you decide to overlook the entire incident and hope your boyfriend will never find out, think again. These things have a way of making themselves known sooner or later.
Typically, girls are responsible for birth control while guys deal with the purchase of condoms. Typical, but certainly not absolutely. Your own personal carnal escapades notwithstanding, Broke at BU, if you're being as safe as possible (the magic pill AND condoms) then I don't see why your dude should have to pay some of your sexual expenses. However, if you're relying on birth control only… It isn't entirely out of the realm of possibility that he should have to pay some of the monthly allotment. I know that I'm being evasive, but a question like this isn't an umbrella-type of deal. Relationship dynamics are different for every couple, so while someone like ME may not find it ridiculous to pay some of your birth control pills (if their use is benefiting MY sexual pleasure, i.e., no condom), some guys may find it ludicrous. Approach this conversation like any other that you would while in a committed, (fingers-crossed) monogamous relationship. If you're not virgin to this column (I use the term loosely) then you'll know how fond I am of bullsh*t-free relationships. While I wouldn't suggest a "Listen dude, ante-up or the shop's closed" kind of deal, I'd wholeheartedly endorse a "Since we've forgone condoms in lieu of better sex, what are your thoughts on…"
