How to Lose a Guy in 10 Ways - Part 1
If you've ever seen the movie "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," then you know that it takes more than looks and charm to keep a guy interested… even though I am confident that as Her Campus readers, you're all wonderful! Sadly, however, it takes next to nothing to lose a guy in the early stages of a relationship (unless you're Kate Hudson), and there are common mistakes that girls make in relationships that often do the trick. So, Her Campus has narrowed down the top 10 mistakes that girls usually make so that you won't fall victim to the same faux pas. So, here it is…. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Ways…
- Great Expectations
Sometimes, as girls, we have a tendency to start relationships with guys who aren't perfect – who is, right? But, instead of accepting a guy for who he is, we hope that sometime during the relationship, we will be able to mold him into our ideal boyfriend. Yet, if a guy begins his relationship with you unable to return texts within a reasonable amount of time (which varies from girl to girl – personally, I prefer 3 minutes… just kidding - kind of) then he will probably never be able to. The problems start when we get frustrated that our boyfriend never changes, but he shouldn't have to, and neither should we, of course. And, as we all know, relationships only get harder as time goes on. So, the best advice is to choose someone who you think is perfect in the beginning, or at least someone whose flaws you can tolerate. "The fact is, most of us love 80% of who the person is and there is 20% that annoys us," says David Schramm, Ph.D., CFLE, Assistant Professor, Department of Human Development and Family studies, University of Missouri. "Research shows that, of the 20% that bothers us, 70% will never change! Those are the things that must be accepted." If you learn to accept your boyfriend, flaws and all, then you can avoid unrealistic expectations, and move forward in your relationship. However, I will say that some things should never be tolerated, such as abuse – any man who has flaws that make you feel bad about yourself, feel threatened, feel unsafe, etc. should be dropped immediately.
- If You Go Looking for Trouble, Chances Are You'll Find It
Girls, I know how tough it can be to put your utmost trust in your boyfriend, since we all know that temptation exists. That, however, is no excuse to invade his privacy. I am in a long-distance relationship myself, so sometimes I have to physically stop myself from giving into the urge to check my boyfriend's e-mail, text messages, Facebook, etc. There are so many forms of communication, that I'd be hard-pressed to find a girl who hasn't been tempted to check up on her boyfriend before. But, snooping is a guaranteed way to push your boyfriend away because chances are you will find something, but it won't be what you think it is. "I went on my boyfriend's Facebook and saw that he had a new inbox message from his ex-girlfriend," says Liz, a student at the University of Missouri. "Of course, once you get to that point, you have to read the message, and it referred to them getting together the other day. I freaked out." Liz confronted her boyfriend, who then had to explain that he ran into his ex at Starbucks, and they caught up for a few minutes. While his ex's wording in the message would suggest otherwise, he was telling the truth. Unfortunately, Liz's boyfriend felt completely betrayed, and they ended things. Even if you don't find something suspicious, your boyfriend will most likely discover that you've been snooping, and decide that he can't trust YOU. "Trust is the foundation of any relationship," says Schramm. "However, checking up or spying on someone is not the way to build trust. If doubts or questions arise, it's best to go right to your boyfriend and ask him openly and honestly." So, ladies, my best advice is to trust your boyfriend, and learn to communicate your doubts. Under almost no circumstances should you invade his privacy.
- The Future
As girls, we have a tendency to plan for a future that includes our current boyfriend or crush. "It is definitely fun to imagine and play the 'what if' game," says Rachel, a student at the University of Missouri. Boys, however, generally only think in terms of present time through the next five minutes, so your comments about a house, a dog, and three kids are probably (read: definitely) going to scare him away. Yes, your boyfriend may be relaxed discussing your plans for summer and how excited you are for your anniversary, but he doesn't want to hear your decorating scheme for your first apartment together, or how much fun it'll be to start a family together. "Research shows that the best relationships that last are the ones that build slowly over time," says Schramm. "They often begin with doing fun things together and not taking the relationship too seriously too fast. It takes time to get to know the real someone behind the superficial mask." So, girls, save your relationship, and your sanities, by discussing your future relationship dreams with your girlfriends only…at least until you hit the one year mark.
- Displacement
Picture this: you and your mom get into a fight because you've been spending too much money at school. Then, your boyfriend calls and has to cancel on tonight's plans because he didn't have time to finish his paper, as the rest of his homework took too long. Your reaction? To verbally assault him about his lack of commitment to the relationship, his utter disregard to your feelings, etc. The reality is that you're actually upset about the problems with your mom, but you choose to take it out on your boyfriend since he's readily available.
We've all been in the preceding situation – I have, at least. Displacing your anger/resentment/sadness onto your boyfriend is understandable since he is usually the most accessible (read: in your line of fire). However, displacement is what has led to millions of boys calling girls "confusing." He sees your outburst as crazy and uncalled for, which then leads him to doubt your entire relationship. And, to be fair, you would probably feel the same way. "Sometimes, my girlfriend gets so upset about the smallest things," says Pat, a student at the University of Illinois. "I'm always confused, but then later I found out that there was actually much more to her behavior." Girls, save yourself the extra trouble, and be honest with your boyfriend. "Some women bottle their frustrations up and don't want to express their stress, and it often spills over into the relationship," says Schramm. "If something is upsetting, it's best to calmly express the concern or stress and see how the boyfriend responds." Explain that you've had a bad day and you aren't in the best mood, so he should give you some space or you're likely to take it out on him. If your guy has any sense at all, he will go running in the opposite direction while appreciating your honesty, of course. Then again, if he's a winner, he will stay and calm you down…with chocolates, a back massage, presents…
- Jealousy
Okay, so seeing the same girl write on your boyfriend's Facebook multiple times in a row is frustrating, as is your boyfriend working closely with other girls. This frustration can lead to crazy (as some call it) behavior from us girls, which ultimately will lead to a break-up. Trust me, jealously can end a relationship faster than you can say, "But I saw you with her!" Yes, some guys do think it's relatively cute when you are jealous of another girl. However, the novelty wears off when you repeatedly accuse him of being interested in another girl. Chances are, he is only interested in you, at least until you put all the focus on another girl, leading your boyfriend to think about her more than you. The moral behind the story is that you will eventually push your boyfriend right into the other girl's arms, even if he was never interested in her in the first place. "Jealousy is a natural feeling that stems from our love and desire to be with someone and wanting that person to want to think about and be with you," says Schramm. "Too much jealousy and snooping around, however, can scare a guy off. Being over-possessive in a relationship can be damaging and feel suffocating, but expressing genuine concern is important." Yes, certain situations do merit jealousy and a few pointed questions to your boyfriend, but remember that guys have a low tolerance for "craziness." So, keep your jealousy private: go ahead and stalk her on Facebook, or call your friends in a rage…but by no means should you let your boyfriend know what you're doing!
