.Jess and Katie Could Write A Bad Romance (Whoa Whoaaa)...But next year, we won't. Saying Bye Bye Bye to preteen boy fantasies

College girls believe so many relationship myths: we think love is supposed to be easy, that sex should resemble a John Mayer song, that even jerks are soft and sweet on the inside like Tootsie Roll Pops. Somehow, even though we were smart enough to get into college, we still make all kinds of dumb emotional mistakes.

It's moments like this that make us look back and wonder: why did these two kids ever break up?

The problem isn't reality. Reality (except for in its uglier, televised incarnations) is one of our favorite things! The problem is when expectations clash with reality, leaving you broken-hearted. The source of these expectations? Middle school. While we were feeling awkward and decorating the inside of our lockers, we absorbed every bit of non-wisdom imparted by pop culture. We grew up under an umbrella-ella-ella of songs so sugary you could get cavities just from singing along, assured by every teen movie's prom queen and homecoming king that the road to romantic bliss was paved with bets gone awry and bad boys hiding hearts of gold beneath their varsity jackets. Our perceptions about realistic, healthy relationships were bound to be warped by all this pop propaganda; it's sort of a miracle any of us have boyfriends at all.

It's the New Year and we want to look forward, but to ensure successful dating in 2010, we first need to look back. Do a jump to the left and a step to the right, because we're doing the time warp to the beginning of this new millennium, where all our silly love ideas began.

Boy Meets World

Collages are precious, but everyone knows that the real life high school yearbooks' "cutest couple" will break up shortly after publication.

For seven seasons, we watched Corey Matthews go from cootie-fearing teen to facially-hairy hubby. He and Topanga were cute, but what's this middle-school-to-married madness? You and your high school boyfriend probably don't belong together forever. However, if you truly are meant to be, your relationship will survive without you sacrificing, say, a Yale education. Topanga proposes to Corey, turns down her dream school and joins the whole gang at Pennbrook University (what the hell is that?). Corpanga live happily ever after in an on-campus apartment for married couples, which most universities provide. Really? No. Our advice: date around.

"Your Body is a Wonderland"

John also thinks sex sounds like "ba ba ba, ba ba ba dah dah, ba ba ba, dah dah dah dah."

We could do a line-by-line breakdown of why this song sets you up to be disappointed about sex, starting with John's promise that "this is bound to be a while." In the interest of saving time and space and letting you down easy, we're just going to tell you that you shouldn't be comparing your hookup sessions to a song you hear on that old people's station your parents like or in the waiting room at the dentist.

Gilmore Girls and The O.C.

Both Ryan and Jess are bad news, but Jess is hotter so he gets to be in the picture. Sorry, Ryan.

Nestled in a private Hollywood backlot is the mythical "track." Whenever a television show is getting dull or a movie needs some edge, producers travel to the wrong side of this track and pluck a dark, attractive nobody from the depths of obscurity and cast him as the Bad Boy. Countless impressionable teenage girls have fallen into non-relationships with guys who are trouble—and not the fun pop-o-matic kind. Bad guys are great for tear-out posters and movies, but don't assume the ones you meet in real life are anything like Rory Gilmore's Jess or Marissa's Cooper's Ryan. Really, how likely is it that is actually a good guy? Most of the real-life Jesses we know (this writer excluded) barely read street signs, let alone the great pantheon of American literature Rory's badass boyfriend loved so much.

Britney, Mandy and Christina

Remember when they were young and blonde and clothe—oh wait …

Before Britney became the hottest mess from Louisiana since Hurricane Katrina, she was the ringleader of a trio of typically blonde pop starlets whose lyrics filled our heads with lies about boys. Aguilera, Moore and Spears took TRL by storm, speaking of genies, doing it again (ooh baby baby) and telling us boys were flawless. Man's imperfection is part of what makes him real and fun. A boy who's cute and quirky? That's someone we'd be cravin' for like candayayayay.

She's All That and Ten Things I Hate About You

Note that in movies in which guys bet on girls, the girl is generally the hotter party.

In She's All That, Freddie Prinze Jr. appears to hold the key not only to an empty hotel room (to make Laney's prom the Best Prom Ever!) but also to popularity, happiness and our pre-pubescent hearts. In reality, he plays yet another tool who reinforces the falsities that a bet can result in real love and that your life will climax at the prom. These messages are also mass disseminated in the otherwise practically perfect 10 Things I Hate About You. Boys who bet on love are typically immature jerks, and prom is good for goofy dancing and cute dresses, not realizing sexual clichés. Just do the math: if your life peaks at the prom, you'll be a has-been by 20.

Mean Girls

Hey Aaron, we never noticed just how huge your eyebrows are. It's like Martin Scorsese meets the Muppets.

Tina Fey, we think you're amazing. We mostly think Mean Girls is amazing. With this film, you taught us valuable lessons: use your boobs to predict the weather, stop trying to make fetch happen and if you're ever at a cool party, sit around and soak up everyone's awesomeness. Yet you committed an unforgivable teen movie sin with Aaron: the mythical popular jock who is in fact a deep, thoughtful young man. We aren't saying that hot, popular adolescent males are never deep and thoughtful. Just that, well, chances are if he's dating some gorgeous bitch and is naturally athletic, the odds of his being a considerate, insightful guy are not exactly in his favor.

The Little Rascals

Don't you just wish your boyfriend had hair and wiggly ears like Alfalfa?

This '90s classic had hit cable by the time we hit 6th grade— just in time for the "OMG-we're-going-steady-because-he-bought-me-Doritos-from-the-vending-machine" phase of our lives. While we all fondly recall Alfalfa's cow lick and that ever insightful pickle song, we'd like to punch darling little Darla in the face for sending the message that a girl has to come between a guy and his friends. Aim to emulate more sophisticated gals; get to know your guy's friends and you likely won't even have to crash their He-Man Woman Haters Club meetings.

*NSYNC

Ow Oww, Chris Kirkpatrick.

It's pretty obvious *NSYNC was the victor in the epic Battle of the Boy Bands, but that doesn't mean Justin, Tara Reid's ex, the almost-astronaut and those guys with the gross facial hair aren't responsible for tearin' up our hearts. They swore to us: "You're all I ever wanted, / You're all I ever needed / Tell me what to do now / I want you back!" Unfortunately, our seventh grade boyfriends wanted and needed other things (video games, sports, fast food, breathing room), and believe it or not, college boys do, too. And so should you. The idea that a boy will be singularly obsessed with you is inaccurate and unhealthy. Do the American thing and declare your independence.

Holiday in the Sun

You may be wondering, "Is that Megan Fox between our two favorite Olsens?" Yes, yes it is.

Even when Mary-Kate rolls out of her house wearing all her clothes at once or Ashley decides to charge $1,700 for a pair of glorified leggings, we still adore them every time we turn on Holiday in the Sun. Just like every other MK and Ash production, Holiday in the Sun took the twins to an exotic locale where they had a challenge to overcome and — what a coincidence! — two hot guys to help them. Say it with us now: you will not meet a boyfriend on a family vacation. You will more likely be stuck with your family, "bonding," and there's no point in trying to ditch your parents because (we really hate to say this) life is not actually like a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie.

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Cracking Girl Code and Bro Code

For years now, all guys can talk about is the "bro code". They're given guidelines for wingman-ship, man-on-man competition over women, rebound hookups, even what to get their buddies for Christmas—every facet of their friendships with other men is totally covered. They never have to ask themselves, "is it OK to hook up with this girl if my friend has already hooked up with her?" or "what should I do to help my friend going through a breakup?" They already know the answers—the bro code dictates their friendships for them. Us girls, however, have a slightly shakier foundation when it comes to friends and guys. Pretty much all we have to go on are the wise, wise words of Gretchen Wieners in Mean Girls: "Ex-boyfriends are just off-limits to friends. That's just, like, the rules of feminism!" But are they? What exactly are the rules when it comes to exes? Are ex-hookups off limits? What about ex-things? And what's a friend's responsibility when it comes to breakups, make-ups, and shakeups in her BFF's love life? Basically, what's the girl code…and how does it compare to the ubiquitous guy code? I asked girls and guys what they thought the rules were when it came to friends and the opposite sex, and the results may convince you that men and women really are from different planets!

Can you hook up with your friend's ex?

GIRLS SAY: "Absolutely not, unless the hookup was a one-time random thing and your friend is okay with it. An ex-boyfriend is totally off-limits, and an ex-fling is probably weird too unless your friend specifies that you can."
–Anna, Cornell University

GUYS SAY: "Yeah, totally—an ex is an ex, it's no longer your concern."
– George, Rutgers University

BOTTOM LINE: Girls say- check with your friend, but it's prob a no-go. Guys say- go for it!

What would you do if you thought your friend was about to go home with someone you don't approve of?

GIRLS SAY: "I would feel it's my responsibility to protect her from going home with someone shady, so I would tell her I didn't trust the guy and I wouldn't let her leave without me."
– Jaclyn, Cornell University

GUYS SAY: "I'd let him do what he has to do and make his own mistakes, but I'd definitely give him a hard time about it the next day."
– Adam, University of Michigan

BOTTOM LINE: Girls say- Cock Block. Guys say- more material for jokes.

How do you handle the situation if you and your friend both like the same guy?

GIRLS SAY: "He becomes completely off limits. It's not worth the drama it would cause between you and your friend if you try to start something with him."
– Melissa, Cornell University

GUYS SAY: "Whoever wins her, gets her…unless your buddy specifically told you he liked her before you admitted you liked her too, in which case he gets first dibs."
–Steven, Cornell University

BOTTOM LINE: Girls say- skip him. Guys say- battle to the death.

What do you think it means to be a wing-man (or wing-woman)?

GIRLS SAY: "A wing-woman protects her friends from doing anything she'll regret when we're out—takes her phone so she won't drink and dial, makes sure she doesn't go home with a random guy, keeps her away from her ex and his new girlfriend, etc."
– Jen, Cornell University

GUYS SAY: "A wingman is there to help you hook up. If you're interested in a girl, he will attach himself to her friend, even if she's not attractive, so you can all hang out together and eventually pair off. He will also do anything he can to talk you up and make you look good, in order to increase your chances with the girl. "
– Matt, University of Maryland

BOTTOM LINE: Girls say- Wing-man = support. Guys say- Wing-man = support… but with different motives.

Do you think it's okay to tell your friend if you don't like his or her boyfriend or girlfriend?

GIRLS SAY: "It depends on the situation. If the reason you don't like him affects your friend, like if he was cheating on her or treating her badly, you should tell her. But if you just don't like him, you shouldn't say anything so you don't hurt your friend's feelings or cause any tension."
– Jackie, Syracuse University

GUYS SAY: "Absolutely. If a girl is not worth a guy's time and he's actually dating her, I'll let him know—in fact, he deserves to know, so he can end it."
– Ross, Skidmore College

BOTTOM LINE: Girls say- only if he's really bad. Guys say- spill the beans.

So, basically, girls and guys have COMPLETELY different views when it comes to the meaning of friendship. For girls, the key word of the girl code is protection: above all else, a girl is responsible for protecting her friends from harm when it comes to guys and to keep them from getting hurt, either by a guy or by other girls. For guys, the name of the game is support: whether or not a guy agrees with his friend's taste in girls, his responsibility is to be there for him and help him feel good about himself and his relationships.

Geoffrey Greif, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, explains the male support system: "Essentially guys want friends to have their back, to be able to stand up for them whether they're in the room with them or not. The system of honor is that a guy will not let other people talk negatively about you when you're not present." Women, on the other hand, value more face-to-face support. Greif says, "women tend to feel more comfortable interacting face-to-face and being more emotionally and physically expressive with their female friends, and the way that that's carried out is often in face-to-face communications."

So, essentially, women value supportive conversations more, and men value supportive actions—not that this is true of all men and all women by any means; every friendship is different. Also, keep in mind that these are not the only important tenets of friendship—good friends should be there for each other in every way they can, whether or not that falls within their respective "codes". A rulebook can't give you all the answers, but it can help you remember how to be a good friend in a tough situation and learn a little bit about the behavior of the opposite sex!

Sources:
Geoffrey Greif, professor at University of Maryland's School of Social Work and author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships
Ross Cioffi, sophomore at Skidmore college
Jackie Crossan, sophomore at Syracuse University
Matt G., junior at University of Maryland
Jennifer Albert, sophomore at Cornell University
Steven W., sophomore at Cornell University
Melissa Quartner, sophomore at Cornell University
Adam G., freshman at University of Michigan
Jaclyn Terran, sophomore at Cornell University
George Phipps, sophomore at Rutgers University
Anna Predleus, sophomore at Cornell University

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Top 5 College Dating Myths...Busted!

The times have changed. "Roses are red, some diamonds are blue/ chivalry is dead but you're still kinda cute,"—see, even Nelly Furtado has noticed. We no longer have the expectation of a guy greeting us at our door with flowers to pick us up for the first date. In fact, we're hopeful to even receive a text message saying he's outside.

While some old-time dating etiquette still remains, like guys holding the door for us, other manners have been lost throughout the years and are now merely legends. Over time, our generation has created a whole new set of dating myths. We've broken down some of the most popular dating myths of today that we think relate to college students like us. (Don't worry—while we have expectations, we no longer expect the ordinary guy to pick us up in his hot car with a dozen long-stemmed roses, though we wouldn't complain...)

MYTH #1: THE FIRST DATE HAS TO BE PERFECT

FALSE! Maybe the first date didn't go as well as you hoped. He took you out for sushi – you don't know how to use chopsticks, you couldn't read the menu – tartare is raw… who knew?! Not to mention the blaring music in the trendy upscale restaurant he chose made it difficult to hear a single word he said (though you nodded and smiled the whole time). The point is, you didn't make the impression you wanted to make, and now you're freaking out that he's not gonna call you back. Don't fret, he was only looking for the good in you anyway – he wanted the date to go well, and in his eyes it probably did.

VERDICT: Everyone deserves second chances. A botched first date doesn't necessarily equal done-zo. Send a follow-up text to let him know you had a good time and would like to see him again.

MYTH #2: GETTING TEXTS ALL DATE-LONG WILL MAKE YOU LOOK COOL.

FALSE! In fact it actually makes you look like you have only one friend – your BlackBerry. No matter how boring the date may get, you promised your full attention to this guy when you agreed to the date last week. Poking at your phone all night is just going to frustrate him and drive him away, no matter how many friends you convince him you have. He already thinks you're great - that's why he invited you on the date in the first place.

VERDICT: Nobody wants to talk to a brick wall or fight for your attention. Leave the phone on silent.

MYTH #3: YOUR INTELLIGENCE FREAKS HIM OUT – HE ONLY CARES ABOUT SPORTS AND BEER.

FALSE! And he'd probably be highly offended knowing you thought his only cares were sports and beer. Guys can enjoy stimulating conversations too (who knew?!), so testing his intelligence actually intrigues him. He doesn't want to be on a date with a dingbat, and he definitely doesn't want to take one home to his mom. In the chance that he does appear intimidated by your intelligence, think of it as weeding out the bad ones - there are plenty of (much more intelligent) fish in the sea.

VERDICT: Prove to him that you're the total package. You can talk world issues, the latest Yankees game, or tell him about your family's favorite vacation spot. Maybe you'll even find some commonalities – securing a callback for another date next weekend.

MYTH #4: THE FIRST DATE REQUIRES YOUR ABSOLUTE BEST OUTFIT.

FALSE! Even if you are someone who enjoys getting dolled up, keep in mind it's the first date – that little black dress and sky-high glittery Louboutins may overwhelm him (not to mention he has no idea the pain you're going through to keep that dress intact and walk in those heels, and has probably never heard of Louboutins). So relax, pick out your favorite pair of jeans, a fun top, and cute flats, and prepare to look good (but not too glam) and have fun while doing it.

VERDICT: Your glam outfit shouldn't distract you or him from the date itself. The Louboutins will have to wait (can you believe we just said that?). We love fun, comfortable flats, like these from Tory Burch, or these from Target.

MYTH #5: BEING 21 = COCKTAILS GALORE. BOTTOMS UP!

FALSE! Actually just the opposite - the older you get, the more binge drinking is frowned upon. Limit yourself to two drinks throughout the entire night – you won't regret it. Don't think of alcohol as a social lubricant. Downing too many cocktails early in the night will have you saying things you might not otherwise say, and doing things you might not otherwise do. Not to mention, your pricey drinks will quickly rack up the bill, and if he's the one getting the tab that looks even less classy on your part. We're not saying don't enjoy a glass of Pinot Grigio if he's drinking too, but please, limit your intake.

VERDICT: This is a date at a nice restaurant, not a pre-game at a fraternity house. When it comes to drinks, less is more.

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Pick-Up Lines That Actually Work

There he is again, that cute boy who always seems to be in the same place at the same time as you. You see him lifting weights at the gym, studying hard at the library, grabbing a bite to eat at the cafeteria, and popping up in your friends' pics on Facebook. All this has left you feeling like you can finally relate to Madonna's 90's hit "Beautiful Stranger." You know the lyrics all too well – "You're everywhere I go/And everybody knows… Haven't you heard/I fell in love with a beautiful stranger." He's a familiar face, but you've never actually worked up the courage to talk to him, and until you do, all he'll be is just that - a "beautiful stranger."

We know from Dr. Michael Crow, Ph.D., professor of Social Psychology at Southern Methodist University, that men are more attracted to familiar faces, but life experiences have taught us that your relationship with him won't progress until you strike up a conversation. Too worried about what to say? Too intimidated to approach him? These simple tips will calm your nerves.

Men prefer women to initiate direct conversations, says Dr. Crow. They prefer to know why someone is striking up a conversation with them. If you start a conversation with them, is it because you simply want to be friends or is it because you want to advance your friendship even further? Be as confident as Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde, because dancing in circles with your words isn't going to get you anywhere, and will most likely make you appear ditzy (and as a well-educated HC reader, we know you're not!).

"Men don't seem to appreciate the lewd come-ons suggested by gender stereotypes," according to the PsyBlog article, "Why Men Prefer Direct Pick-Up Lines." So next time you see this beautiful stranger, remember not to be ambiguous, and to save the raunchy humor for later.

"Canned corn involving jokes, baseless compliments and sexual innuendo—like, 'I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock!' received poor ratings" according to the Forbes.com article, "The Ten Worst Pick-Up Lines," citing a study by psychologists at Scotland's University of Edinburgh.

The study also found that lines suggesting helpfulness, generosity, cultural literacy and wealth seemed to be the most effective.

Let him know exactly what you want. If you hope to run into him at Friday's happy hour, simply tell him. Don't send mixed signals by beating around the bush or playing hard to get.

To eliminate even more of the guesswork for you, here are some pick-up lines you can pull out in different situations:

At the gym:

For the bashful babe: I really like your Under Armour shirt! Where do they sell Under Armour around here? (He'll love the compliment plus it's an easy reply).

For the bold babe: Would you mind spotting me while I lift this set? (He'll feel manly helping you out and be impressed by your fitness).

On line at the coffee shop:

For the bashful babe: I always get a vanilla latte, but I want to switch it up today. What do you get? (He'll be flattered).

For the bold babe: I'm scared my drink is too hot. Do you mind taking the first sip to test it out? (He'll feel like your hero).

At a party:

For the bashful babe: Who are you here with? (You can establish a connection)

For the bold babe: What do you and your friends plan on doing after this party? (You'll seem social, and we have a feeling you'll be going with…)

In class:

For the bashful babe: I missed class Tuesday, may I please copy your notes? (Psychology tells us that doing a favor for someone makes you like that person more)

For the bold babe: Do you want to come over and study for Thursday's test? (Ow ow!)

These pick-up lines should have you well on your way to plenty of date opportunities by Valentine's Day. Have fun with them! And remember, these are just some ideas to get your wheels spinning—you'll have the best luck if you just be yourself!

Sources:
Dr. Michael Crow, Ph.D., SMU Professor of Social Psychology
PsyBlog: http://www.spring.org.uk/2009/06/why-men-prefer-direct-pick-up-lines.php
http://www.forbes.com/2006/07/25/singles-pickup-lines-cx_df_06singles_0725lines.html

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What Does "Queer" Mean? Queer 101: Labels, Explanations, Identifications

I'm not 100% sure what the word "queer" means. So why am I writing about it? Well, that's the point. It's an important term when discussing gender and sexuality, and there are a lot of grey areas surrounding it—and some people don't even know it exists! So it's necessary to explore and learn about.

If you look up "queer" on Dictionary.com the first definition reads: "strange or odd from a conventional viewpoint; unusually different." The queer I'm talking about is a little bit different, though. It is linked to the LGBT community, but is also separate. New York University senior and Social and Cultural Analysis major Emma said, "Queer functions as a sort of other. I'm not positive what this other is, but mostly I believe it exists outside of the heteronormative...and the homonormative narratives that society thrusts upon us."

The acronym LGBT, which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender, leaves some people feeling invisible, because they don't identify with any of those labels. In these instances, the word queer is absolutely essential. "Whereas I think LGBT is a sexual/gender identity," Emma said, "I believe that queer is sexual/gender with theory, politics, and dance parties added."

But is queer a negative word?

Well, it has been used with negative connotations, and some people still view it that way. The director of New York University's LGBT Student Services, Monroe France, explained that "first and foremost, the word queer still remains a derogatory term for some people." Because it is a word that was co-opted in such a derogatory way for so long, for some people, it remains a slur. If one has memories of the word being used as a put-down to make them feel less-than, it's understandable that one wouldn't want to identify with it. This issue also differs depending on your location, mindset, and social circle. For example, my British aunt was horrified when I mentioned a course I'm taking called Queer Literature. "You can't say that word here," she shushed me, "here" meaning England. Apparently the show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was taken off all British TV channels because the term is still considered extremely offensive in Britain. The integral point is this: choosing not to identify with the word queer is as valid a choice as choosing to identify with it.

So what's up with queer now?

The word queer now is often used to get rid of limits and limitations. France made a point to say that "Queer is a term that is most often used by activists and academics, and that can make it...not accessible to some people." It is often viewed as a more fluid and all encompassing identifier than many others. I have a close friend who explained to me that she tells most people she identifies as bisexual, because it is a label that is more easily understood, but truthfully, she "feel[s] like queer is a much more holistic way of approaching things, since I am not only attracted to men and women, binary, but also trans-gendered people...it's just that most people don't like hearing that explanation." When it comes to bisexuality, people who identify with the word queer have differing opinions. For someone who has trouble believing in the gender binary (the idea that only two strict genders exist) the idea of bisexuality can feel incongruous. However, identification is an intensely personal decision, and if you feel more comfortable identifying as bisexual than queer, obviously that's completely fine. France pointed out that you can actually identify as bisexual and queer, and that in itself is queer, because the world is constantly asking us to choose just one sexual identity! He also stressed that the word "identity" begins with the letter "I." "It's about you and where you live in the world," he said. "I don't want to take that away from someone." He views his role as an educator as a way to give people the opportunity to learn about their options when it comes to labels.

So what's my label?

Well, I can't tell you. As I've (hopefully) made clear, when it comes to sexual identity and gender presentation, the choices we make are intensely personal. In an ideal world, labels would be unnecessary, but for now we rely on them as a way to let the world understand us in some sense. It can feel damaging or cumbersome when the outside world slaps a label on you that doesn't fit, but it is the ultimate empowerment to choose a label that feels right for you and introduce yourself to the world in that way.

Many of the people I spoke to who identify with queer stressed that they didn't feel the need to force the word on family members or friends who didn't understand it. "I mostly use 'queer' among other queer/LGBT folks," Emma said. "I don't feel the need to correct [people]." Using the word can be powerful, though. "It can make people pause," France said. "In our moment in history, using the word is a political act."

So whether you are perfectly comfortable identifying as a straight girl, or if after reading this article you feel like the word queer has provided you with an understanding about yourself that you didn't have words for before, the choice of which labels to use is entirely up to you. I don't have any of the answers...but in the end, that sense of questioning is the answer.

Sources:
Emma, senior Social and Cultural Analysis major at New York University

Monroe France, Director of New York University's LGBT Student Services

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Cougars on Campus: The Pros and Cons of Dating Younger Guys

Better watch out boys; the cougars are on the prowl.

Celebrities like Demi Moore, Cameron Diaz, Ivana Trump, and Linda Hogan all have had significant others more than 10 years their junior. With age differences sometimes pushing 20, or even 30 years, these couples obviously never learned (or at least, never followed) the "Never date anyone under half your age plus seven" Rule.

If you're a guy who appreciates an older woman though, no need to fly to Hollywood, there are cougars prowling your very own college campus.

Who are the Cougars?

According to Dr. Fayr Barkley, a Human Behavior Research Expert and cougar expert, typically, a cougar is a woman who is over the age of 40, who dates a man 7 or more years her junior. "But what we are seeing is more and more women in their 20's calling themselves cougars because they relate to the confidence that a cougar woman has who 'knows what she wants and goes for it,'" Barkley says.

These younger "cougars in training" have very specific names. Barkley says a woman in her 20's is a kitten, a woman in her 30's is a puma, and a woman over the age of 60 is a panther.

Regardless of which type of kitty a woman may be, Barkley says any woman with the right attitude can be a cougar. "A woman who is well defined, strong, flexible, confident and goes after what she wants but can still remain a lady, is worthy of the cougar name," Barkley said.

With less than 2 years age difference between herself and her recent younger ex-boyfriend, Chelsea Citro, a student at Syracuse University (SU), still considers herself a bit of a cougar.

"A college cougar is a girl who dates a guy who is not in college yet," Chelsea says. While Chelsea was a freshman in college, her boyfriend at the time was a senior in high school. Chelsea says that dating a younger guy while in high school is much different than dating a younger guy while in college. "In high school everyone is basically on the same level of maturity, but in college you gain so much independence," Chelsea says.

"Many women start dating younger men when they are in their 20's," Barkley says. "Regardless of what age a woman starts indulging her Cougar side, if it's for her, she maintains it throughout her life."

How young is too young?

That depends. Twenty-year-old Julie Dexter says she wouldn't date anyone younger than 17, and even that "is pushing it."

For Chelsea, two years younger is her limit. She says younger guys are generally clingier because they haven't experienced as many relationships. "Looking back now, I didn't really like dating a younger guy because I felt that he held me back from maturing and from meeting other people my age," Chelsea says.

Chelsea says the most difficult part of her relationship was when she came to Syracuse University for college. "It was really hard relating to him since I am in college. He had no idea what I was going through because he's still in high school."

Emma Post, a junior at Johnson State College, dated a guy 3 years her junior. The relationship only lasted 2 months. "I've always had relationships with someone significantly older than me, so it was difficult at first to adjust to the age difference," Emma said.

Emma says she didn't notice the age difference until it came to conversational topics that reflected their 3-year age difference. "I've had more experiences through college and life, that he had not. That caused a logistical off-balance in our relationship, and resulted in our short-lived relationship," she said.

But clearly, younger guys have some appeal (we have at least a little faith in Demi Moore), so what's behind the cougar craze?

Why they love the youngsters:

Hilary Ricigliano, a sophomore at Syracuse University, loves dating her younger man. Hilary's boyfriend, Al, was a senior in high school when she left for college. "It made transitioning into college easier for me, having him as a support back home," she said. "Me going through college first also helped him better prepare for when he headed off to school. I was able to offer him advice," Hilary said.

For Hilary and Al, like many cougar-couples, "age doesn't even matter." Hilary says, despite his younger age, Al often behaves like the elder of the two. "Al is very mature; actually, definitely more mature than I am," Hilary said.

Hilary does not consider herself a cougar. "In my opinion, women don't really become a cougar until they are forty or fifty years old, and are dating a twenty-year-old," she said. Hilary says "college girls that date younger men aren't really cougars even if there is a big age difference."

Twenty-two year-old Sanda Micic, a senior at Southern Vermont College, is dating an 18-year-old freshman, and loves it. Despite the 4-year age difference, Sanda says, "I just have a lot more fun with him than with other guys my age or older."

Barkley says, "Each woman knows what age range works for her but I think most are open to exploration as long as the younger man fits what she is looking for."

"A person isn't made by their age; they're made by what they've been through in life experiences, regardless of the amount of years they've lived," Emma says.

Whatever the age difference, Brown University student, Atilio Barreda, says "age is just a number dude, free love." Or, as Barkley says, "There is a lid for every pot." We think that's exactly how Demi and Ashton must feel (though we wonder who is the lid and who is the pot?).

Thinking of becoming a college cougar? Here's a breakdown of the pros and cons of dating younger men in college. Meow!

Pros:

• He'll most likely have been involved with fewer women, and have less relationship baggage than older guys.
• Being the older, smarter, more experienced one can be quite the self-esteem booster. Just don't let your confidence scare him away; he may not be a fan of Beyonce's song, "I got a big ego, such a huge ego".
• The whole college experience is new to the younger guys; he'll have a completely different outlook than those seniors and grad students, which could be refreshing.
• Younger men can be more eager to please a woman both in and out of bed.

Cons:

• He may act or say things that remind you of that 3-year age-gap.
• You probably won't be able to take him out for drinks with your friends, unless he orders a Shirley Temple.
• Beware of friends, especially guy-friends, who may try to point out the flaws of the younger guy you've got your eye on.
• Barkley says some younger men may think that "all he needs is a washboard stomach and an erection" to keep his woman around.

Sources:
www.theinsider.com www.momlogic.com/2009/07/pros_and_cons_of_dating_younger_men.php www.hercampus.com/love/grown-man-hard-find-dating-struggles-college-senior
www.cougarinternational.com
Dr. Fayr Barkley, Human Behavior Research Expert with over 20 years experience researching and writing about human behavior
Hilary Ricigliano, Syracuse University student
Chelsea Citro, Syracuse University student
Atilio Barreda, Brown University student S
anda Micic, Southern Vermont College student
Emma Post, Johnson Sate College student
Julie Dexter

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Newly Single in College: How I Went From a Three-Year Relationship to Single and Ready to Mingle

This is not advice. This is a story about how a girl's life changed, and I will let you decide if it was for better or for worse.

Let me describe my first few weeks of my junior year. There was the Swine Flu… oh, that elusive and ever present disease that our generation will be able to proudly tell our grandkids we survived as we bounce them on our knee. I somehow contracted it, but its source is impossible to trace considering my three roommates and I all got it at exactly the same time. My boyfriend thought I was being a dramatic hypochondriac and ignored my complaints about feeling hot and coughing. Becoming frustrated, I eventually texted him, "Why are you being so distant?" He responded, "I feel like we have been distant for a while now."

WHAT? What the hell does that mean? I immediately called him, to suddenly learn that the entire summer had felt forced, that I never seemed excited to hang out with him, that I did not seem like the person he fell in love with anymore. How, I wondered, did I possibly miss that one? How did I act one way and think another? But then again, how did he feel that way all summer and not tell me until we were hundreds of miles apart?

Yes, he goes to college in Virginia and I attend school in Maine. Yes, we had been dating for almost three years and went to high school together. With monthly visits that racked up my miles and drained my savings, we survived the rocky freshman year and the drawn out sophomore year. Everyone said we were perfect together, even joked about being invited to the wedding, and actually talked about us as a pair rather than two individuals. And we were in love. Love is certainly one of those sensations you can only describe when you finally experience it, like your first time tasting chocolate and your first orgasm. I am not talking about loving your mother or your cat; I mean knowing that if there is ever something you could do to make him happy, even if it means sacrificing some of your own happiness, you will do it. Spending time with him is like perpetual satisfaction, like being held in a warm and protective bubble where everything you need is conveniently within reach. Sometimes it can be like all seven deadly sins rolled into one deliciously overindulgent bite, and your addiction can never be assuaged. So yes, being in love is a wonderful thing.

Let me rephrase that: being in love with someone where you have more time together than you have apart is a wonderful thing. But that is not what I had. Admittedly, I think long distance relationships are essentially relationships with a cell phone: upset when there is no missed call, upset when he doesn't answer, happy to see that text, excited to see a voicemail. You are only as accessible as your phone allows, and if there is no service or no battery there is nothing you can do about it. I would never say my boyfriend was obsessive or overprotective, but let's say I was at a party that was too loud and I would miss a call. Then not respond to a text. Miss another call. Suddenly I was in the danger zone. Not being reachable by my phone equaled doing something suspicious, even though that was never the case.

The first weekend I was boyfriend- and Swine-free, I went out and accidentally left my phone at a friend's apartment and did not get around to picking it up until the next night. That entire day without my phone was like a breath of fresh air – there was no need for me to be attached to something outside of myself. I realized I could go out and not have to babysit my phone, stay out until five in the morning without raising suspicions, and make decisions independently without having to consider another person in the process.

That may sound selfish, but I never realized how much of a burden it was to constantly have someone approve of your actions until I did not need approval anymore. So what if I have an extra shot? So what if I talk for a long time to the cute guy in my English class? So what if I dance with a stranger to my favorite Lady Gaga song? Even though those actions are just as harmless now as they were when I was in a relationship, it feels amazing to do things without having to constantly answer questions about my reasons behind them.

Being single in college is an adventure: unlike being in a relationship, it is next to impossible to predict the other person's actions and feelings. The world of one night stands, rejected late night texts, and being ignored at night by the same person who left your room that morning was suddenly pushed into my life. I realized college guys are different from high school boys: about as stable as Mount Vesuvius and make decisions about the opposite sex based what their friends think (more than girls do, if that's possible). But people also told me I seemed different - more confident, fun, and free, and my brother even told me that within a few weeks he could tell from my Facebook that I just "gave off a new vibe."

Yes, my boyfriend broke up with me when I had Swine Flu. Suddenly one label was thrown away and another was tacked on. Single. It seemed terrifying: no one outside of the Bowdoin bubble to call when I have no one else to talk to, no security blanket to comfort me when I get stressed or scared. At the same time, independence comes with being single, and I have learned so much more about myself in the past three months than I had in the past two years in college. Whatever this new vibe is, I like it.

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A College Guy Answers Your Love Life Questions: First Dates And Freaky Sex

Got a burning love life q? Consult our Real Live College Guy (he also goes by Chase). Each month, our RLCG will take you inside the college guy's brain to demystify your tricky, sticky, icky love (can you even call it that?) situations. Keep in mind that these are his opinions, not HC's.

Ready? Here goes!

I think I have a great personality and a lot to offer, and guys who know me often end up liking me, but I feel like I don't do a good job of representing my "best self" on a first date. My first dates often don't go well and then I don't really hear from the guy again. What are some tips for girls on how to act on a first date to make it lead to a second one?
– Florida First Date Flopper

For guys to ask someone on a second date, it usually comes down to: Can I be myself? Is she not crazy? Is she hot? And is she interested? Clearly, you're focused too much on representing your "best self." Instead, spend the entire date (or a large part of it) allowing him to represent his "best self". An easy solution is to ask the guy questions about his life. Respond as if he was the second coming and every detail is overly interesting. If you can see that his confidence is built up, then you can take the opportunity to say something about yourself. Also, figure out some minor ways to give him an opportunity to mockingly flirt. Guys love to think that they are funny, especially when they're not. Let him have a moment to be funny and feel smart. You could not look both ways before crossing the street, make the move to cross, and let him "save your life." Be careful though, you don't want to get run over. This will give him the ability to be both the hero and funny. To avoid the crazy factor, don't do anything too wild. Avoid the karaoke, drinking too much, or screaming at the waiter. Act natural and composed and he won't be reminded of his crazy ex's screaming to him or making out with the bartender at his birthday dinner. Yet, you still want him to think you are fun, too. So remember to slip in a story about how fun you are, and if all else fails make one up. Talk about the time you were on The Jerry Springer Show or wrestled a gator, but make sure it's something he would be interested in hearing and related to one of his stories. Lastly, the end of the date. Make it subtly known that you are interested in seeing him again. It is hard for a guy to muster the confidence for date #2 when it's unclear if you like him. Slip a mild, "I had a great time tonight" or a "wow, this was so much fun." Don't act awkward, but keep a big smile and try and fake the confidence like he has already asked you on a second date. If he doesn't ask you right there and you boldly move in for that big smiling hug and cheek kiss, he will later... I promise.

Guys always say that they want girls to be uninhibited in the bedroom—to let loose, get wild, and suggest trying new things, etc. But before I go full-force freaky in the bedroom, are there things girls could do during a hook-up that would still be over the top, and would freak a guy out? How can we know "wow!" from "weird..."? –Feelin' Frisky at Fordham

Before going "full-force freaky" by breaking out the whips and costumes, girls can turn boring first-time sex into a special sexual experience through a few small changes. First, open up the passion. Scream louder, moan more often, and ask him to touch your writhing body (don't I sound poetic?). Nothing screams "wow" like seeing a girl go nuts. Second, take the initiative to get things going and let him enjoy. It's not too freaky to have a girl ask for sex blatantly and will relieve a lot of the male tension. You can take off both your own clothes and his. This could really create the "Wow! She's sexy" you're going for. No guy wants to feel like he is being too pushy, so a little initiative can go a long way. Hollywood movies show it the best—it's always awkward to have a big naked male actor all over some introverted girl, but reverse the roles and it's a hot scene. Lastly, avoid missionary at all costs and again, let him enjoy. Get on top, or switch positions a few times. There is nothing more inhibited than a girl who just lies there. Once you're ready to move on to the "freaky," it's important to ask the guy what he likes. Most will have a fantasy or two that he will really want played out. Ask him shamelessly, "What's your fantasy?" This will leave no room for "weird," but be careful because you may be getting yourself into some uncharted territory. At the very least, you can gather an idea of what gets him going and you can improvise a less extreme version from there. In the beginning, I would never just randomly start calling him Doctor or attempt The Triple Backside Reverse Babymaker unless he insinuates that's his thing.

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The Morning After: How to Walk Without Shame

The walk of shame: let's admit it, it happens to the best of us. We've all, at one point or another, woken up at a guy's place and trudged home, in last night's outfit (or, worse, in his gym shorts), with our heels in our hands and smudged eyeliner all over our faces. We keep our heads down as we make our way across campus, avoiding the snickers and stares of our all-too-knowing classmates and praying we don't run into anyone we know. But why does the walk of shame have to be so shameful? Why can't the morning after a hookup be dignified, nice, or even hopeful? Whether you're totally falling for the guy or you never want to see him again, no one should ever make you feel ashamed of yourself the morning after a hookup.

Before we can learn to walk without shame, we must first ask ourselves: how did the shame get there in the first place? Despite a recent influx of criticism about "hookup culture" and the exhibitionist, no-holds-barred "sexting" and "web-camming" antics of our generation, hooking up didn't actually start with us. In fact, the concept has been around for decades. Kathleen Bogle, the author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus, claims the hookup culture arose from a gradual cultural shift over the past few decades. She cites as causes such factors as the sexual revolution and the widespread availability of birth control, as well as demographic changes, including an increased average age of marriage and more women enrolling at colleges than in the past. As a result of these changes, the social structure of college campuses moved away from traditional dating and into an environment of casual sexual encounters.

But if hooking up has been around for so long, why do girls still feel ashamed the morning after? Bogle claims this sense of shame is a vestige from the old double standard about women and sex. "For women, people only fully approve of sex when it's in a relationship context, and when it's more casual or random women tend to get judged more than men." She also explains that there is a disparity between men's and women's expectations: women, much more than men, expect to get a relationship out of a hookup, and when a relationship doesn't come they feel dissatisfied and ashamed.

So we know where the walk of shame comes from, and we know that hooking up can sometimes kind of stink for women. But how do we fix it? How do we get what we want from a hookup, whether it's a relationship or a little casual fun without the requisite bad reputation? It's all in the conduct, ladies. If we play it right, we can walk out of a guy's place with our heads held high and our dignity intact—who knows, maybe the morning after can become the best part of the weekend! Let's examine a few tricky situations:

You really like the guy and don't want this hookup to end up in the one-night-stand graveyard:

If you like him, STAY for breakfast, say hi to his friends, give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek before you leave. Don't run off like you're ashamed of the hookup, or else he will assume you don't want to see him again. But don't get your hopes up—most hookups, like most dates 20 years ago, don't turn into a relationship. What makes it so hard to tell, Bogle says, is that everyone is using the hookup system for something different: some people hook up to find a relationship, some use it for one-night stands, some use it for short, no-strings-attached flings. The only way to tell if you and your guy are on the same page is to take it slow, keep in touch BEFORE 10PM, and see how he responds. If he balks at the idea of an actual conversation with you, then he's probably not looking for a relationship. If he jumps at the idea of dinner and a movie on a Friday night, then he may be a keeper.

You never want to see the guy again, but don't want to make it look like you were using him:

The worst thing you can do if you'd rather dismiss a hookup as a mistake is to sneak out early in the morning without saying goodbye. It's just rude, it makes you look bad, and it gives the guy plenty of opportunity to talk about you with his buddies. Slinking away implies that you are, in fact, ashamed of the hookup, and you invite the back-talk that comes with such a sneaky move. Bogle suggests that, instead, you make it very clear that you two are in the "friend zone" the morning after: "don't act lovey-dovey the next day, don't give him a kiss goodbye, if you just want it to be a casual thing." Don't be mean and give him a reason to talk about you, but don't give him any mixed signals afterwards—otherwise, you may find yourself with a clinger on your hands.

If the guy is a real creeper, and you really want nothing to do with him ever again, you MUST reject him firmly and unambiguously. If he persists, ignore his messages until he gets the hint. Take it from me: sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I once had a stage-five creeper on my hands, who lied to me and gave me fake stats about the frat he claimed to be in, but who did not in fact actually attend my school (or any school, for that matter—yeah, that creepy). He called me a "slore" (slut + whore) after I told him never to speak to me again, but I'd rather that than have to endure his creepy texts for months to come. But of course if you're worried the guy might turn actually dangerous, make sure to alert your campus police of the situation.

The guy has roommates—loud, obnoxious, totally-going-to-make-fun-of-you roommates:

If you play it like there's absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, your hookup's friends won't be able to think of a single thing to say—and frankly, they don't care half as much as you think they do. Jen, a sophomore at Cornell University, recalls a particularly embarrassing morning-after encounter after Halloween: "I walked out of the guy's bedroom looking half-dead, still in my Greek goddess costume, when I encountered a group of guys playing video games. They looked at me like they see it every weekend. I wanted to scurry past, hoping no one would notice, but I kept my dignity and said, 'Hey guys…did you have a good night?'" Playing it cool can make your guy's friends respect you—if they see that you're not ashamed of your hookup, they can't make fun of you for it.

All you have to wear is your outfit from the night before:

This issue is a matter of discretion. If the night before wasn't too fancy, and all you wore was jeans and a nice top, you shouldn't encounter any problems walking home. But if you're trudging home after Halloween, or a formal, or a particularly insanely-themed party (anything but clothes, for example) it may be just a bit too painful to wear last night's outfit home. Ask the guy if you can borrow a pair of gym shorts, or a sweatshirt to throw over your dress. There's little you can do about the heels; if you must wear them, try not to trip all over the place—otherwise, carry them in your hand or ask the guy if you can borrow a pair of flip-flops. If you have class or something important to do the next day, see if you can text your friends and ask them to bring you a change of clothes—we've all been through it, so your friends may be more understanding than you'd expect!

What if we did/didn't have sex?

If you didn't have sex, you may be surprised to find you're in the majority. According to Bogle, only about 38% of college students have ever had a hookup that included sex, and more than a quarter of college students are virgins. We all tend to exaggerate what everyone else is doing, and that can affect our own behavior. So if you're feeling like you disappointed the guy by not sleeping with him, don't worry about it—contrary to popular belief, not everyone else is doing it, and if he expected to have sex with you on the first hookup and you're not comfortable, you probably wouldn't want to date him anyway.

If you did have sex, and you're concerned about what that means for you and the guy, you must make your intentions crystal-clear, so as to avoid any emotional damage in the future. So, if you're interested in him, and you might want the sex to turn into a relationship, make it clear by being extra-friendly the next morning. Make it a point to stay in contact with him; don't just breeze off like it never happened. If you'd rather keep it light, stay civil and friendly but don't give him any reason to think you feel attached—otherwise, he may think that sex was your way of saying you wanted a relationship. If this really was a mistake and you wish you'd never had sex, you shouldn't treat it lightly—you should firmly tell the guy that you'd rather not do that again, or else he could get the wrong idea about your intentions. Once you get in the sex zone, if you're not clear from the get-go where you want to go with it you can get into a very complicated situation—everyone has different feelings and intentions when it come to sex which makes it extremely confusing to both you and the guy how much you're willing to invest emotionally.

Like hookups themselves, the morning after can be murky, confusing, and totally intimidating, but it can also be awesome and exciting. If you face the situation head-on, play it cool, and command respect, you just might be able to walk off into the sunset with your guy after all—or at least make it home without a drop of shame. Once you master the art of the morning after, your walk home will feel more like a walk of fame!

Sources:
Kathleen Bogle, author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships On Campus, and professor of sociology and criminal justice at La Salle University
Jennifer Albert, Cornell University sophomore

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Jess and Katie’s Tech Translations, Vol. 1: IN YOUR FACE(BOOK)...Because our relationship with Facebook is complicated

Dating is tricky in this wacky technological age. Texting is a vital skill, but unfortunately it's not enough. There are so many other platforms, each presenting unique opportunities for expressing your love or, alternatively, totally screwing things up with someone you really like. We've taught you a few things about texting, but it's time we moved beyond phones to something bigger: Facebook.

Facebook is even more dangerous than texting; its purpose is publicity, which means what could just be a sort of embarrassing misstep can quickly explode into a hugely humiliating and viral screw-up. We spend a significant amount of time on Facebook (in the name of research, of course), and we also write on each others' walls a lot. Said credentials don't actually absolutely qualify us to tell you the Ten Commandments of Facebook Relationships. Unlike the Ten Commandments you already know, like "don't steal stuff" and "don't covet your roommate's girlfriend," these rules are immutable law.

1. Take out the make out 
Refrain from posting pictures of you and your significant other making out. There are two people on the planet who think that's cute, and one of them is you (and when you inevitably break up, you'll look at these photos and sulk). Kisses on the cheek, however, are adorable, so have at it.

2. Don't stand so close to me
Your profile pic is the very first thing people see, so think about the message it sends. Either stand alone or try to show off your girl friends, not just your boyfriend. Note: the occasional cute couples shot is acceptable, especially if it's really sweet and goofy.

3. When in doubt, leave it out
Unless you're kidding or engaged, we highly recommend leaving out your relationship status. "Looking for random play" seems a bit slutty and/or desperate, not clever or ironic. If things really are "complicated," advertising it on Facebook will not simplify your situation. Since old people, like parents, have invaded Facebook, saying you're "married" has lost its facetious novelty.

4.Dislike the like
The like button is a tempting feature, but there's little need to "like" your friend's new relationship and join the gaggles of excited (AKA jealous) girls who make comments such as, "OmG Jen, its been 5 yrs but YAYA. Who's the lucky guy??" You'll feel stupid when they break up. Liking breakups, by the way, is even more obnoxious. Plus it's bad for karma.

5. Don't talk to strangers
When you join a common interest group for college, band camp or some summer program, your natural inclination may be to scout out hot guys. We like scouts (mostly we like cookies), but do not prematurely Facebook flirt, i.e., decide someone is your future husband based solely upon his interests and wall posts. You will probably run into him at 7-Eleven or somewhere on campus all the time, and all your pre-frosh-flirting will hover over you, filling the air with awkward.

6. No poking.

It's a little 2007. And if you're poking your boyfriend on Facebook, it seems like you're compensating for something.

7. Fulfill the diversity requirement
Entire albums devoted to photos of just you and your significant other inspire the following reaction: Oh my gosh, are you dating? We had no idea. You're not that girl who brings every conversation back to her boyfriend, like: Your friend: It's so sunny out today. You: My boyfriend loves the sun! Your friend: (bored silence) Pick the cutest three pictures and save the rest to show people who care. People who Facebook stalk you are not people who genuinely care. Most of them are strangers, people you know from sleepaway camp, or that guy who went to your middle school and then moved to Japan.

8. Everybody was Facebook fighting (HUH!)

Fighting via text is immature and difficult. Facebook brings the downfalls of virtual arguments to a whole new level. Regardless of how mad you are, remember that online arguments are a) no fun b) public c) permanent and d) unnecessary. Facebook is a happy place, a pleasant escape from academic productivity. Be it through Facebook chats that will experience "message send failure" in the first two minutes or passive-aggressive wall-to-walls, just keep the drama out.

9. Jess and Katie think you need a status update No mushy, gushy, emo matching statuses. This includes poems, song lyrics and cutesy inside jokes. Statuses are meant to make people laugh, not gag. "Thinking about u smiling so much can't stop being happy!!! <3 always." Umm, <3 never.

10. Off the wall

Writing "I love you" all over the place just looks like showing off; you can tell someone you love him or her in private. Keep it to a minimum. We get that wall posts, as impersonal as they are, have this weird way of making you smile (we know you count the number of people who wish you happy birthday), but too much "baby, I love u!!!!" on your wall will make all your friends want to puke.

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Suck This, Vampires--We’re not that into you anymore: Why Pop Culture Vampire Guys Are Bad For You

Vampires, despite having an icy cold body temperature, are so hot right now. I'll pretend that this doesn't bother me (where was this trend eight years ago when I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Buffy could kick Bella's whiny, pouty ass. And Spike is hotter than Edward. A lot hotter. But I digress.) HC readers, this vampire trend is DANGEROUS. Girls who fall prey to vampire obsession are like guys who watch so much porn they forget how to appreciate a real woman who has boobs that are smaller than cantaloupes and hair besides what's on her head. It's not reality. When you try to join reality again and date the boys who live there, you'll be in for some serious culture shock.

People keep spouting the virtues of vampires: forever young, extra-pretty, sparkly in the sunlight (or fiery, depending on your opinion), super-strong, blah blah blah. But what about their flaws? Here, in no particular order, are the reasons why you should stop fantasizing about RPatz and the gang (who, by the way, doesn't actually shower) and appreciate the boys around you.

Totally gratuitous picture of Jason Stackhouse. You're welcome.

They have weird accents. Like this one. Bill, are you southern or are you secretly playing a game of Fluffy Bunny? Also, even though vampires are supposed to be uber-attractive, this non-vampire (above) from True Blood is easily a hundred times hotter than aforementioned Bill.

This is actually not a picture of Billy Idol.

They have this ugly side… Not like an ugly personality (which is pretty okay with us, depending on how well they compensate with an attractive face.) Whenever they turn all vampire-y, they get scary-ugly. Veins popping out, eyes going black, foreheads all smushy; it's creepy.

Their "I'm concentrating, my eyes are so penetrating" face usually looks stupid. See above.

Even Taylor Swift thinks they're lame. She's dating the werewolf instead.

Doesn't this look like fun?

Apparently they can't even hook up with you: Because being a vampire's girlfriend is all about tension. Like they want you but they can't have you because they might lose control and kill you. (Oops.) Well, tension makes for great television and all but how much fun do you think that would be in a real relationship? "Hey babe, I'd love to kiss you but I've got this bloodlust thing, let's just sit in the grass and stare at each other." He might not get old, but that setup definitely will.

When there's something strange, in your neighborhood…

They do that disappear-and-woosh-right-behind-you-thing, even when it's completely unnecessary. Also, if you can find a single example of a vampire who does not sneak into the bedroom of the girl he loves and watch her sleep all night long, post it in the comments and there is a prize in this for you. In most cultures this is referred to as "breaking-and-entering," "stalking," and "being a psycho." In vampire world it is romantic. However, please try to remember that we live in the real world where boys who crawl through your window while you lie asleep and defenseless are bad news bears.

Gratuitous picture of Paul Newman. Again, you're welcome.

They're a lot older than you. Not like "Oooh, I hooked up with my TA!" older. Not even Johnny Depp older, or Paul Newman circa The Sting older. These guys tend to be at least a century old. Why exactly are they still attracted to sixteen-year-old girls? Have you met guys in their twenties who still hit on girls in high school? ("I keep getting older, but they stay the same age!") In most educated circles, these are men are known as guys who are incapable of getting a girl their own age. Not exactly boyfriend material.

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Jess & Katie's Textometer: Texting isn't a game, but we're still keeping score

Oh technology, you double-edged sword. You provide us with some of our favorite things: illegal music, constant communication, obsessive coverage of the greatest shows on television. (Yet you also bring us down with your crappy non-contributions to culture, like this and Miley Cyrus's Twitter— well, at least that's over.

Texting has made us put our dexterity to more exciting use than our opposable-thumbed predecessors, but it has also opened up approximately 937,382 more ways for us to do something humiliating, mean, dumb, or all of the above. In order to aid you in distinguishing the wise from the ill-advised, we bring you TEXTOMETER 2009.

See where your actions fall on our highly scientific (read: basically arbitrary) spectrum of textellence. Is there something you love or hate that we left out? Let us know in the comments! Come up with something extra clever and we'll give you a shout-out in our next piece.

(Click the image to see it full size)

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How Much Stress Is Too Much? Managing Anxiety in College - part 2 - women campus

 

What to do

If you or someone you know is dealing with an unhealthy amount of anxiety, it's important to seek help as soon as possible. "Because anxiety is a habit, the longer anxiety goes untreated, the stronger the habit grows so that it can worsen over time," says Roemer. 

Anxiety is a complicated problem, so the solution won't be the same for everyone. Treatment options include medications, though most doctors recommend turning to therapy before drugs.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy, often available for free through university health centers, helps people with anxiety disorders really understand the cause of their anxiety and how to alter their outlooks to better deal with it.

"For the person who's afraid of social situations, we help them to gradually confront these situations to learn that they probably don't need to worry as much as they do," Abramowitz says.

Anxiety will always be a part of a normal life, but therapy can help people learn to cope in healthy ways and look at anxiety in a new light.

"Having compassion for yourself, rather than criticizing yourself for experiencing anxiety, will help keep the anxiety from escalating," says Roemer. It's our automatic reactions to our anxiety that are likely to make it problematic, rather than the anxiety itself."

But most importantly, anxiety isn't just something that's all in your head. And if anxiety has become a constant part of your life, it doesn't always have to be.

"These are real problems, but they're also treatable," says Abramowitz. "It's a matter of getting the right kind of help."

For anyone experiencing anxiety in college, there are many simple things you can do to cut down on stress:

• Learn yoga or meditation – Relaxation techniques like these can be really helpful in managing day-to-day stress. Grab a couple of friends and try out the yoga class at your student health center for free!
• Journaling – Writing can help you sort out your thoughts, and seeing it on paper can help you put it all in perspective. Keep track of what makes you anxious, and focus on what's really happening and what you can do about it.
• Keep a detailed planner – If you're feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities for class and other activities, make sure you keep a detailed and up-to-date record of everything you need to do. Managing your time well will help cut down on stress.
• Take care of yourself – Staying healthy—both mentally and physically—always starts with eating well, exercising regularly, and getting lots of sleep.
• Talk to friends – There's a reason why it feels good to vent to your girlfriends when you've had a particularly rough day. Talking through what makes you anxious is one of the best ways to relax.

For more information on anxiety and how to seek help, check with your university's health center, or go to these websites:

• www.adaa.org
• www.abct.org
• http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/index.shtml

Sources:

www.adaa.org

www.abct.org

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/index.shtml

http://www.adaa.org/sites/default/files/FINALCollegeReport.pdf

Lizabeth Roemer, Professor of Psychology at the University of Massachusetts Boston and co-author of The Mindful Way Through Anxiety: Break Free From Worry and Reclaim Your Life

Jon Abramowitz, PhD, professor and associate chair of psychology at UNC-Chapel Hill

Kelsey, student at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln

Lindsay, senior at Wake Forest University

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How Much Stress Is Too Much? Managing Anxiety in College - part 1 - women campus

"The best four years of my life."  

Around the time when you left for college, there's probably about a 97 percent chance that someone said these words to you. Sighing wistfully, eyes glazed over with nostalgia, this person reminisced about wild parties and the unrestrained freedom of youth, then cautioned you to cherish each moment before it all passes in the blink of an eye.

College gets a pretty glorified reputation, especially in the minds of those who haven't written a paper or taken an economics exam in a couple of decades. But let's be real. College isn't all toga parties and sunbathing in the quad. You're living away from home for the first time, managing a packed schedule, and trying to maintain a good GPA as well as a social life. You might even sometimes try to get some sleep. The bottom line: college is a stressful place.  
 

Naturally, everyone will get overwhelmed occasionally. But what happens when the stressing becomes the norm and not the exception?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, anxiety disorders affect approximately 9.1 percent of college students and are among the most common mental health problems on college campuses.

What classifies an anxiety disorder?

"Anxiety disorder" is a pretty broad term: it refers to generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and social anxiety disorder, as well as specific phobias.

These disorders cover a wide range of symptoms, but they are all serious disorders stemming from uncontrollable anxiety. Many are often accompanied by panic attacks, an episode of sudden and intense panic coupled with physical symptoms like chest pain and rapid breathing. 

Lindsey, a senior at Wake Forest University, started getting occasional panic attacks in high school. "I'll start sweating, my heart feels like it's about to beat out of my chest, and I'll be breathing really quickly, but it still feels like I can't get enough air, which is a really scary feeling," she says. "Sometimes, it will almost feel like my throat is closing up."

A certain amount of anxiety is both normal and necessary. While a select few possess the self-discipline to begin working on a ten-page research paper the night a professor assigns it, the rest of us need the pressure of a looming deadline to get started. 

The trick is in knowing where to draw the line between everyday anxiety and a disorder. There's no formula or test to take, but if anxiety begins to significantly interfere with your life, then it might be time to do something about it.

"If it's continual and it's painful and it's very distressing, that's one indicator," says Jon Abramowitz, Ph.D, professor and associate chair of psychology at UNC-Chapel Hill. "If they can't go to class, or grades are suffering, if it starts to impact school, relationships, or other areas of functioning, then that's another indication."

Lizabeth Roemer, Professor of Psychology at the University of Massachusetts Boston and co-author of The Mindful Way Through Anxiety: Break Free From Worry and Reclaim Your Life, says that physical symptoms sometimes accompany anxiety disorders as well. But in most cases, just being aware of how your anxiety is affecting your life is the best way to tell.

"Because anxiety naturally leads people to avoid feared situations, people with anxiety disorders often lead more narrow lives and don't do things that matter to them to avoid feeling distressed and anxious," she says.  
 

Anxiety in college

According to the Anxiety Disorders Association of America, 40 million U.S. adults suffer from an anxiety disorder, and 75 percent of them experience their first episode of anxiety by age 22.

It's not too difficult to imagine why a college setting could lead to increased anxiety. "This is a time when people are coming into their own," says Abramowitz. "They're becoming adults, so responsibilities shift. If a person is teetering on the brink, that increase in responsibility can put them over the edge."

Women are also at an increased risk; they're twice as likely to have an anxiety disorder than men.

This is partially due to differences in brain chemistry and higher levels of estrogen, but recent research also shows that women are more sensitive to the hormone that organizes stress responses—making them more prone to all stress-related disorders.

"Often people who experience anxiety judge themselves for the symptoms, seeing them as a sign of being 'weak' or imagining that other people don't also struggle with anxiety," says Roemer. "This criticism and judgment increases the intensity of the anxiety and can also lead people to isolate, when [actually] social support is an important buffer for a range of psychological difficulties."

And when anxiety spirals out of control, it can quickly turn into something very serious. Anxiety disorders often go hand-in-hand with other disorders such as depression, substance abuse and eating disorders.

Kelsey, a student at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, believes that anxiety contributed to her developing anorexia. "I am personally recovering from an eating disorder, and many anxieties occurred during the time I had anorexia," she says. "I don't believe many people know that eating disorders can arise from anxiety or that anxiety is a top contributor to eating disorders." 

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STDs in College: Your Questions Answered - part 4 - women campus

I have an STD, and I have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Is my life over?

No, but here's a story of a girl who went through a pretty rough diagnosis:

When Sarah* was a freshman at the University of Oregon, she had a handsome athletic boyfriend. They dated for quite some time and were deeply in love until things got a little rocky. One weekend when she was at a party, Sarah decided to step into dangerous territory, and had sex with an acquaintance. Not being able to really remember what had happened that night, she decided to ignore the situation and not tell her boyfriend she had cheated.

A month later, she went to her annual pap smear at the student health center. Everything seemed normal and healthy according to the doctor, until she got a phone call the next day.

"The nurse called me and told me I had gonorrhea. My heart dropped. I knew I had to tell my boyfriend, who obviously wasn't infected, and the truth would unravel about the night I cheated," explained Sarah.

Not only did she have to tell her boyfriend the heartbreaking news, but she also had to tell the person she had cheated with.

"I had to make sure they both knew to take the medicine to cure the STD. It was definitely a hard conversation to have, but those are the consequences I guess."

Luckily, gonorrhea is easily treated and cured with simple antibiotic procedures. For Sarah, it was a hard-learned lesson that awareness is key to preventing a potential sticky situation.

"I didn't even think to ask if the guy I had sex with had an STD. Now I know, even though I'm still with the same boyfriend, to ALWAYS ask no matter how much you think you trust someone."

How do I tell my partner(s) I'm infected?

For the sake of your personal health, it is extremely important to tell your partner(s). "If you chicken out and don't tell your partner, it is very likely you'll get the infection back. Approximately 20% of people who have Chlamydia and gonorrhea get it again within the next year. That increases the chance of complications and probably shows that partners are not being informed and treated," says Elliott.

The smartest way to avoid contracting the STD again is to make sure that your partner(s) are receiving the same treatment as you; otherwise you will just pass the infection back and forth.

We know this can be a tricky task, but there are multiple ways you can tell your partner(s) you have an STD, and that they might need to seek treatment as well.

An easy way to go about this is to have the health clinic where you were tested call your partner and inform them. Not many people know this is an option, but if you are trying to avoid having the conversation, this is an uncomplicated route! Of course you will have to talk about it eventually, but at least you have the hard part out of the way. 
 

Another option is to send a confidential ecard from www.inspot.org. This service allows people to send an anonymous ecard telling their partner(s) they've been exposed to an STD.

Of course, for those courageous enough, just simply start the conversation. Remember that by telling them you are allowing them to be conscientious of their health and limiting the risk of spreading the infection.

Sometimes I feel awkward asking if my partner(s) are infected, especially if I don't know them. What are some casual ways I can ask?

We took a survey of anonymous college students across the country and here's how they ask the question before hitting the sheets with a new guy:

"I ask them up front, no point in beating around the bush when it comes to my health!"

"I offer to go get tested together. That way he doesn't feel offended or anything."

"If it is a random guy, I just say, 'So, you're clean right?'"

"I say I just got tested and ask if they have."

"I would just ask my partner flat out – if we can't be honest about that then we shouldn't be having sex."

Sources

Annabeth Elliott, RN, MSN – Idaho STD Program Coordinator

Dr. Pierre-Paul Tellier - Director, Student Health Services at McGill University

Dr. Mandi Beman - board-certified Obstetrician/Gynecologist & contributor to www.chickrx.com

Various college students

http://www.nursingschools.net/blog/2010/05/10-truly-shocking-stats-on-stds-and-college-students/

http://www.elainepasqua.com/images/Eye%20opening%20Statistics.pdf

http://www.cdc.gov/family/college/#std

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/std-symptoms/ID00053/NSECTIONGROUP=2

Photo Sources

http://www.std101.info/

http://swfasprevention.org:8081/prevention/HIVPrevention.aspx

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/5-shocking-things-many-women-don-t-know-about-sex-554627

*name has been changed

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STDs in College: Your Questions Answered - part 3 - women campus

What are some ways to avoid STD infection?

Most all STDs can be avoided by simple procedures. "Limit your number of partners, use protection, wash your genitals with soap and water, and urinate soon after you have sex. This might help clean away some of those nasty germs before they have a chance to infect you," recommends Dr. Pierre-Paul Tellier, director of Student Health Services at McGill University. It's easy to forget something as simple as hygiene, but it is pertinent to keep clean to steer clear of infection.

Elliott also brought up some ways to avoid STDs that we probably don't think of every day. She warns, "Ladies: Don't douche! Douching can increase your risk of getting an STD, or if you have an STD, it can increase the chances of serious complications. Also, circumcision in males reduces the risk of contracting HIV."

And sometimes, the best way to avoid contracting an STD is not always the fun way. "The only way to truly protect yourself from an STD is by NOT having sex of any kind...not vaginal, oral or anal. Also, while you should ALWAYS use condoms because they do significantly decrease your risk of getting STDs, they do not erase your risk entirely," says Dr. Mandi Beman, a board-certified Obstetrician/Gynecologist, who contributed to Chickrx.com.

Why should I get tested?

Bottom line: If you are sexually active, especially if you have multiple partners, get tested regularly. It can only benefit your health in the long run.

If you even think there's a slight chance you could be infected, go see a doctor. It's worth it in the end, particularly if you have an STD that can be cured quickly before it worsens. Make check-ups a regular thing. It is important to find out sooner rather than later so that potentially life-threatening health problems can be avoided for both you and your sexual partners.

"Since many STDs, like Chlamydia and HPV, are asymptomatic, you may not know you have one unless you get tested. Then you can get treated and if you have an STD you can take action to reduce the risk of spreading it to others," says Elliott.

In fact, over 80% of people who have an STD experience no noticeable symptoms. Keep in mind that just because you can't see the effects of an STD doesn't mean it's not there.

Based on gender, who's more likely to be infected?

Beware girls! Let it be known that women contract STDs much easier than men. Elliott explains, "Women are more susceptible to STDs because of their anatomy." Certain cervical cells make women more vulnerable to contracting STDs.

In fact, the CDCP reported that in 2009, the overall rate of reported Chlamydia infection among women in the U.S. was almost three times higher than the rate among men. Didn't see that one coming ladies!

More women are tested for Chlamydia than males. If Chlamydia is not detected it can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) and complications of PID include chronic pelvic pain and infertility. It's easier for women to notice the symptoms of certain STDs if they directly affect the female body.

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