Numbers and Relationships – What Women Want - Part 3

But what if your numbers aren't very similar?

This seems to be the ultimate point of contention for girls – being "different" than a guy that they're interested in. There are obviously two fears here – that a guy's higher number will make her uncomfortable, or that her number being higher than a guy's might turn him off. Consider the following situations described by two women in my survey.

"In general, I don't think it's good to focus on the past in relationships. But I'm currently dating a guy whose number is just enormous and it really bothers me," Amanda*, a 21-year-old at the University of Michigan. "I feel like it might be a warning sign that he doesn't respect women, and I'm nervous that I'm just another girl to him."

And, on the flip side:

"My number's high, and it's affected my relationships in the past," says Lauren*, a 20-year-old at the University of Connecticut. "My ex was a virgin and didn't find out my exact number until a couple months into our relationship; he wasn't comfortable with it at all and it was ultimately one of the reasons we broke up."

Berlin has some great recommendations for girls who end up in one of these situations.

"If your partner has a significantly higher number, focus on his situation rather than the number itself," she says. "Be curious about his past, and talk about the reasons why his number is the way it is – maybe he used sex as a way to feel masculine, to get attention or love, to act out against sexual abuse…or maybe he just has a higher appetite for sex and a different lifestyle that way."

But in situations like this, Berlin warns against letting jealousy drive the narrative.

"Jealousy and insecurity are obvious byproducts of the numbers conversation, but focusing on those feelings makes his past about you – which it isn't," she said. "And if a numbers conversation triggers a jealous reaction, then I suspect that those feelings of jealousy were already there to begin with, and probably would've come out in some other situation."

And what if the girl's the one with the higher number? For these women, Berlin emphasizes the importance of accepting your past decisions.

"If you're at peace with your number and your choices, then that's what boyfriends will respond to. Likewise, if you're critical and self-conscious about your actions, then boys will respond to that," she said.

Once you're comfortable with yourself, Berlin says that a guy will be more likely to be comfortable with your choices, as well.

"If he still has a problem with it, then you need to realize that it's his issue," she says. "If a guy wants to judge you, then you can choose who you want to be with – a guy that holds your past against you, or a guy who wants to grow with you."