Asexuality—Not Just for the Amoebas: What it's like to be "ace" in college - Part 2
What the numbers say
Some research has been done to show that asexuality is not merely a reaction to medication, depression, or an emotional hang-up, but rather that it is truly another expression of (non) sexual desire. According to "Patterns of asexuality in the United States," a study published in 2010 by the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research, when asexuality was strictly defined as never having sex with males or females, "almost 5% of females and more than 6% of males [reported that they had] never had sex at any time in their lives." The researchers realized, however, that having sex isn't a clear-cut indication that someone is or isn't asexual. For example, in 2009 the Observer spoke to Andy Holland, a college student who tried having sex once. "I thought some hidden sexuality might blossom, but it just wasn't something that I was driven to do like she was," he told the publication. "If it happens it happens. I enjoy golf but if I never play it again, I don't care." Holland's blasé stance on sex is comical and somewhat illuminating, but his experience is just one among many.
Her Campus recently polled members of AVEN about what it's like to be asexual in the land of higher education; and while the 55 respondents expressed varying degrees of comfort with their orientation in college, few of them had doubts about who they were by the time they finished school. When asked if they knew that they were asexual in college, 42% of respondents reported that they realized that they were asexual before attending university, while an even larger percentage (55%) became fully aware of their orientation while still in school. In terms of "coming out," 33% of those polled preferred to keep their orientation to themselves in college, while 44% of respondents were honest with the people closest to them and only 23% felt okay telling anyone who seemed curious.
Only 3 people out of the 55 of those polled reported having had a sexual partner in college to cover up the fact that they weren't sexually attracted to anyone and 69% of those polled attested that they did not try to hide or obscure who they were. Nonetheless, some members of the asexual community admitted to hooking up with others just to satisfy others.
Faking it 'til they make it
Helen, a recent graduate from a university in Wales, detailed the difficulty of being asexual in college. When confronted with her peers' assumptions that she, too, would become a ravenous shark in a sea of tantalizing co-eds, she fibbed like Emma Stone in Easy A. "I kept trying to make myself sexual," Helen told HC. "I realized I was asexual before I went to uni, but I wasn't really able to accept it because of all the pressure society puts on people to be romantic or sexual. I decided that I could just ignore the fact that I wasn't sexually or romantically attracted to anyone, and I could just fake the parts of the relationship I didn't really feel." Helen's first efforts at "faking sexuality" included dabbling in make-out sessions with students of both sexes "just to exhaust all possibilities." She didn't know what exactly to call her lack of interest sex at that point, but she hoped that a physical attraction to someone would point her in the right direction. Even so, nothing changed how she felt.
With the use of Google and little help from her most supportive friends, Helen learned about asexuality and came across resources like AVEN where other people were going through the same thing. She was relieved to learn that a larger asexual community existed, but not everyone was as accepting. "Once I realized that [experimenting] would never work, I managed to work on accepting and becoming happy with myself," Helen says. "One friend of mine who started expressing interest in me reacted quite well to begin with. She backed off with the flirting and made a very big show of telling me that she only thought of me as a friend. But I don't think she ever actually accepted or understood it. Once, she didn't say anything when a male friend of hers started pressuring me to let him touch my breasts, even though I was having a difficult time putting him off. I can only assume she thought I wanted it, even though I'd told her I wasn't interested in any of that." Another girl that Helen has known since she was six only just stopped asking about potential boyfriends. "When I tried to explain she usually reacted as though I told her I had some kind of illness—a kind of, Well, you might get over it? response. Even now I'm not really sure whether she's really come round to understanding and accepting, or whether she's just given up asking."
Although Helen's family has declared a ceasefire about the issue of her asexuality, Helen suspects that her aunt thinks she is a lesbian and doubts her mother's sincerity about believing in the existence of asexuality. "My dad hasn't said anything but he's very easygoing, so I think he's fine with anything as long as I'm happy. But my mother's a little more difficult," Helen confides. "She keeps telling me [that] 'most women aren't very into sex' and doesn't get that there's a difference between having a low sex drive and not being attracted to anyone, ever." One incident that stands out in Helen's mind is a dinner party in which her mother announced her asexuality to everyone at the table. "[My] mum went on to tell them, as though the whole thing were a huge joke, 'I thought she was going to say something really serious!'"
Nonetheless, though she's doubtful of her prospects, Helen would like to find someone that would be willing to stay with her for the long haul—without forcing her to fake romantic or physical intimacy. "A romantic-but-sexless relationship wouldn't be my first choice, but depending on the situation it might be the best option," she muses. "What I'd really like is a committed, long-term friendship. I have lots of close friends that I know I'm going to keep in touch with for a long time, but at the end of the day those friends are probably going to settle down sooner or later, and that relationship (and their kids, if they have any) is going to be their main priority. I just wish I could find a friend or friends who were happy to 'settle down' with me as friends, rather than as romantic or sexual partners. I want to find someone who's important to me and who considers me that important, too. But I don't think it's likely to ever happen."
Some research has been done to show that asexuality is not merely a reaction to medication, depression, or an emotional hang-up, but rather that it is truly another expression of (non) sexual desire. According to "Patterns of asexuality in the United States," a study published in 2010 by the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research, when asexuality was strictly defined as never having sex with males or females, "almost 5% of females and more than 6% of males [reported that they had] never had sex at any time in their lives." The researchers realized, however, that having sex isn't a clear-cut indication that someone is or isn't asexual. For example, in 2009 the Observer spoke to Andy Holland, a college student who tried having sex once. "I thought some hidden sexuality might blossom, but it just wasn't something that I was driven to do like she was," he told the publication. "If it happens it happens. I enjoy golf but if I never play it again, I don't care." Holland's blasé stance on sex is comical and somewhat illuminating, but his experience is just one among many.Her Campus recently polled members of AVEN about what it's like to be asexual in the land of higher education; and while the 55 respondents expressed varying degrees of comfort with their orientation in college, few of them had doubts about who they were by the time they finished school. When asked if they knew that they were asexual in college, 42% of respondents reported that they realized that they were asexual before attending university, while an even larger percentage (55%) became fully aware of their orientation while still in school. In terms of "coming out," 33% of those polled preferred to keep their orientation to themselves in college, while 44% of respondents were honest with the people closest to them and only 23% felt okay telling anyone who seemed curious.
Only 3 people out of the 55 of those polled reported having had a sexual partner in college to cover up the fact that they weren't sexually attracted to anyone and 69% of those polled attested that they did not try to hide or obscure who they were. Nonetheless, some members of the asexual community admitted to hooking up with others just to satisfy others.
Faking it 'til they make it
Helen, a recent graduate from a university in Wales, detailed the difficulty of being asexual in college. When confronted with her peers' assumptions that she, too, would become a ravenous shark in a sea of tantalizing co-eds, she fibbed like Emma Stone in Easy A. "I kept trying to make myself sexual," Helen told HC. "I realized I was asexual before I went to uni, but I wasn't really able to accept it because of all the pressure society puts on people to be romantic or sexual. I decided that I could just ignore the fact that I wasn't sexually or romantically attracted to anyone, and I could just fake the parts of the relationship I didn't really feel." Helen's first efforts at "faking sexuality" included dabbling in make-out sessions with students of both sexes "just to exhaust all possibilities." She didn't know what exactly to call her lack of interest sex at that point, but she hoped that a physical attraction to someone would point her in the right direction. Even so, nothing changed how she felt.
With the use of Google and little help from her most supportive friends, Helen learned about asexuality and came across resources like AVEN where other people were going through the same thing. She was relieved to learn that a larger asexual community existed, but not everyone was as accepting. "Once I realized that [experimenting] would never work, I managed to work on accepting and becoming happy with myself," Helen says. "One friend of mine who started expressing interest in me reacted quite well to begin with. She backed off with the flirting and made a very big show of telling me that she only thought of me as a friend. But I don't think she ever actually accepted or understood it. Once, she didn't say anything when a male friend of hers started pressuring me to let him touch my breasts, even though I was having a difficult time putting him off. I can only assume she thought I wanted it, even though I'd told her I wasn't interested in any of that." Another girl that Helen has known since she was six only just stopped asking about potential boyfriends. "When I tried to explain she usually reacted as though I told her I had some kind of illness—a kind of, Well, you might get over it? response. Even now I'm not really sure whether she's really come round to understanding and accepting, or whether she's just given up asking."
Although Helen's family has declared a ceasefire about the issue of her asexuality, Helen suspects that her aunt thinks she is a lesbian and doubts her mother's sincerity about believing in the existence of asexuality. "My dad hasn't said anything but he's very easygoing, so I think he's fine with anything as long as I'm happy. But my mother's a little more difficult," Helen confides. "She keeps telling me [that] 'most women aren't very into sex' and doesn't get that there's a difference between having a low sex drive and not being attracted to anyone, ever." One incident that stands out in Helen's mind is a dinner party in which her mother announced her asexuality to everyone at the table. "[My] mum went on to tell them, as though the whole thing were a huge joke, 'I thought she was going to say something really serious!'"Nonetheless, though she's doubtful of her prospects, Helen would like to find someone that would be willing to stay with her for the long haul—without forcing her to fake romantic or physical intimacy. "A romantic-but-sexless relationship wouldn't be my first choice, but depending on the situation it might be the best option," she muses. "What I'd really like is a committed, long-term friendship. I have lots of close friends that I know I'm going to keep in touch with for a long time, but at the end of the day those friends are probably going to settle down sooner or later, and that relationship (and their kids, if they have any) is going to be their main priority. I just wish I could find a friend or friends who were happy to 'settle down' with me as friends, rather than as romantic or sexual partners. I want to find someone who's important to me and who considers me that important, too. But I don't think it's likely to ever happen."
