How to Lose a Guy in 10 Ways - Part 2

6. Roaming Eyes

 

As Her Campus readers, I'm sure all of you are beautiful, talented, intelligent, kind, funny, etc. In fact, I'm positive that your boyfriend is lucky to be with you, and he knows it. That said, there are probably countless other guys who would also like to be with you, and that is where the problems begin. While it is a good idea to keep your options open with potential careers, majors, joining a sorority, etc., it is not a good idea to explore other options while in a relationship. Your boyfriend WILL find out, and anything you had before will be lost forever. "I was really happy with my boyfriend,"  says Chinenye, a student at Syracuse University. "But I couldn't keep myself from talking to other guys…I guess I just liked the attention – my boyfriend didn't, however, and he dumped me." As girls, we love to feel special, pampered, and loved. We forget sometimes that guys also like that. So, when they see that they aren't the only VIP in your life, they move on. Think about it: you probably would, too. "Passion is the exciting feeling when things are new, "says Schramm. "However, true love is like a triangle, made up of passion, commitment, and intimacy. Having doubts in a relationship is natural, but letting your eyes wander is never a good thing. Keeping things new and exciting takes time and work, and there will be days of drudgery and sickness, but commitment is the glue that should hold you together." If unhappiness in your relationship is causing you to think about other guys, then end your relationship. If you are just looking for attention, then tell your boyfriend you need more from him because you aren't feeling as special as you should. If you are just trying to find a backup in the event your current relationship fails, then rethink your strategy because it isn't fair to the new guy, the current guy, or you.  
 

7. Advice

 

At the first sign of trouble in my relationship, I run to my girlfriends, as I'm sure many of you do, too. Typically, however, the only time I ask my girlfriends for advice about my relationship is when there IS a problem, so they tend to hear the worst about my boyfriend. Who really gloats about how wonderful their relationship is? After a while, though, your friends start to think that your boyfriend really is a jerk, and he doesn't deserve to be with you. Or, your friends are inexperienced in relationships, or have a different way of handling situations than you, which leads you to make decisions that probably aren't right for your relationship. Overall, outside influences generally lead to more problems in a relationship, rather than solutions… hello, Nick & Jessica on "Newlyweds", anyone? "My girlfriend always used to ask for her friends' opinions on my behavior," says Steve, a student at the University of Missouri. "Then, she'd explain that Emily, Sarah, and Melissa all agreed with her, so why was I being so mean? It made me uncomfortable with her friends, and I resented her for making me look bad." Girls, if you're going to ask for your friends' advice about your relationship, make sure that you also sometimes tell them about the cute thing he did for you the other day. Also, use their advice, but don't taunt your boyfriend with it. He isn't interested in what your BFF thinks, he is concerned about what YOU think. "Friends can be a wonderful source of support, but too often the conversation leans toward the negative end of things and not enough about what's going 'right' in the relationship," says Schramm. "Assuming it is a healthy relationship, when there are problems or stress, it is best to discuss these with the boyfriend personally. Even better, it's most helpful to focus on the positive in the relationship and let the little things go." That being said, don't let your friends influence your feelings about a situation. Yes, they can be helpful, but in the end, it's your relationship.

 

8. Dedicating Your Entire Life to Him

 

Relationships are fun, exciting, and comforting. So, it's only natural that you will want to spend the majority of time with your boyfriend, and you hope that he feels the same. "It's easy to become so infatuated with the 'feeling' of love that our brains produce that we have a hard time focusing on other areas of life," says Schramm. "If you find yourself neglecting the other important areas of life, or if they suddenly seem 'less important,' this could be a sign that your emotions are getting carried away and overpowering the rational part of your brain." These overwhelming emotions can lead to you dropping your friends, neglecting your schoolwork, canceling plans, etc. In other words, your life begins to revolve around him, and usually his does not revolve around you. So, eventually, conversations will end once he tells you about his day since your day was spent waiting to see him. Oh, and forget it if he wants a guys' night… what are YOU supposed to do? Granted, sometimes the feeling is mutual, and both of you are desperate to spend every second together. However, in either case, your relationship is doomed if you don't keep your lives somewhat separate. Yes, you can share some things, and of course you should spend time together, but remember that before you were with him, you had a life, and that is what attracted him to you in the first place. "In the beginning of my relationship, I dropped everything for my boyfriend," says Rachel. "One day, he said that the relationship wasn't working anymore because I wasn't the girl I used to be. I realized that I had ruined it because I was too available, and I wasn't interesting anymore." Guys want someone they can talk to and someone who has something to say. If your only interest is him, then something is wrong. Girls, in order to keep him, keep busy.  
 

9. Over-Analyzing

 

Girls are masters at taking one thing and turning it into something else, which drives guys insane. "Sometimes this is known as rumination and it is one factor that has been used to explain why women get depressed more frequently than men," says Mark Fine, Ph.D., Professor, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, University of Missouri. "Ruminating about the relationship, what he said or did, what this means or doesn't mean, etc. It can drive one a bit nuts, because you never know for sure what some communication or symbol really 'means' about the relationship." I realize that certain situations actually force, or so it seems, you to over-analyze. For example, your boyfriend and his friends head out for the night. You wake up the next morning to a text sent at 4am from him saying, "I'm so sorry." Um, what are you sorry for? What did you do? You spend the next few hours analyzing it with your friends, repeatedly calling his phone, and crying. In reality, he was apologizing that he didn't call you like he said, didn't text you during the night, or didn't invite you. Girls, relax a little and give your guy the benefit of the doubt. As many of us know, guys aren't the most complex creatures on the planet. If they say something, they usually mean it the way it sounds. If they do something, it isn't spiteful, vindictive, or challenging – it's just something they wanted to do. "If there are two ways to see a situation, and one makes my girlfriend upset, then I meant the other," says Pat. So, challenge yourself to see his behavior as is, and spend less time analyzing it; rather, ENJOY him…. He is your boyfriend, after all. 
 

10.   Don't Give Up

 

We've been conditioned by romantic comedies to see relationships as perfect. Who doesn't want to date Edward from Twilight? Unless, of course, you're a Jacob fan. Unfortunately, however, relationships aren't perfect. You will encounter problems, issues, fights, doubts, and rough patches, but that doesn't mean you should give up on the relationship. Sometimes, you have to take a step back and really evaluate what is a deal breaker and what you can handle. But, make sure to do this during a time when the relationship is steady, so your opinion isn't biased. If it isn't going to end your relationship, then don't make it into a big deal. Relationships are messy and complicated, but in general, they are SO worth it. "We live in a demanding society – we want what we want and we want it now," says Schramm. "We get the message from the media that things are disposable, including relationships. The long-term view of relationships – sticking together through good times and bad – help shape the relationship, and help each person to grow." If you're expecting perfection, then maybe you aren't ready for a boyfriend, as the majority of guys will start running when they realize you aren't able to handle minor upsets. To keep your guy, accept that you will encounter hiccups, but they aren't the end of the world, as long as your guy makes you happy!

Sources

College students from across the country

David Schramm, Ph.D., CFLE, Assistant Professor, Department of Human Development and Family studies, University of Missouri

Mark Fine, Ph.D., Professor, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, University of Missouri