The Other Woman Tells All: Why I Hooked Up With A Taken Guy - Part 2
3. Thrill of the Chase
For some girls, cheating was an adrenaline rush. They never intended to hurt anyone, but they never considered the girlfriend either.
"Girls always compete, whether it's over weight, school or sports. Guys are just another thing to vie for. When you score a guy who is in a relationship - you win," said an anonymous senior at American University. "The girlfriend is kind of like a sports rival. I'm concerned with winning the guy, not her feelings if she loses him."
"We were both in a relationship at the time. In a twisted way, we used this to rationalize our actions," said Danielle, a junior at UMass Lowell. "We both loved who we were with at the time, but we were bored. We just wanted excitement and to mix things up, but nothing serious. We found this in each other."
Danielle preferred a game of make-believe, as opposed to a sports game. In the end, it was all about excitement and although the emotion was fleeting, the repercussions would remain intact.
"It was almost like we were partners in crime. This sounds so weird, but sometimes I think of it like robbing a bank. We were doing something wrong and could get caught; there was such a thrill. We were in it together - all or nothing – we both 'won' out in the end, but we would forever be linked by this dirty grimy secret."
4. Sense of Validation
For others, cheating really had nothing to do with an actual relationship. It was more a reflection of "the other woman" and her desire to prove something to herself.
"It's an extra ego boost" said Lauren, a senior at Boston College. "It's the ultimate unavailable. For them to step outside of their relationship and hook up with me really shows something… like they can't resist me or can't wait to get their hands on me."
Lauren may view each "boyfriend" as a trophy and nothing more. In her eyes, she has nothing to lose, but everything to gain. She did admit, however, that her attitude may make it hard for her to find happiness in a relationship: "a taken guy is the ultimate prize, but only when he's not mine to take."
"This sounds really awful, but it makes me feel good" said Alex a junior at Northeastern. "If a guy is willing to jeopardize a relationship for me, then I must be intriguing, hot, smart, mysterious…whatever. I know that if I was really that amazing then I would have my own boyfriend and not have to 'borrow' someone else's to feel good about myself."
"Honestly, it's not my problem, if you can't stop your boyfriend from cheating," said Lindsay, a senior at BC. "I don't think the question is what I'm doing wrong. What are you doing wrong?"
In every situation, the "other woman" is not grappling with the reality of a couple, but is forging a sense of validation. Cheating has nothing to do with the guy or his girlfriend; it has everything to do with the "other woman" sense of self. Whether she wants to feel good, better, wanted…it is all about her.
5. Revenge
For some the self-perspective is beyond compare; they took revenge for an earlier shattered sense of self.
"My best friend ended up dating my high school crush. I was devastated, but thought after three years I had gotten over it," said Michaela, a senior at Suffolk University. "When they were working things out, he ended up coming to me for advice and then it just happened. I didn't plan it, but I didn't stop it either. I kept telling myself she deserves this."
Lindsay, a senior at BC, was more deliberate in revenge: "She used to make fun of me when we were little. She was awful. I saw her boyfriend at a party over break and I just made it happen."
6. Anyone is better than no one
Just when that image of the "home-wreckers" was coming into focus, these girls' stories will dispel any notions that the "other woman" is always a deceitful slut or reckless whore.
"It was when I was younger and I had very little confidence or respect for myself. I knew he had a girlfriend, but he was the first guy who wanted to be with me – the nerdy girl who just didn't fit it," said an Alex, a senior at Boston College. "Being wanted was enough; I didn't want anything more. He wouldn't even acknowledge me in public and I ended up falling for him."
"I knew it was wrong, but I was lonely."
These words sting us all. Whether we were hurt by ourselves or others, cheating is not an easy issue to grapple with and never will be. The "other woman" isn't just the stereotypical home wrecker, but an actual girl who may be very much like you. Maybe instead of attacking her, you can team up with her. She could be at fault, but don't forget, your boyfriend is as well. It takes two to tango, right?
If you do happen to discover that your boyfriend may be fooling around with someone else, Ruth Houston, the author of Is He Cheating on You? 29 Telltale Signs, has provided some tips for what NOT to do:
1. Don't kick him to the curb –quite yet.
Before you throw all of his laundry out of your apartment, just wait a second. At least give the guy time to share his side. Better yet, it will give you a sense of closure or understanding if you hear why he did it.
2. Don't launch a "tell all" about his infidelity.
You may need to tell someone, anyone just to get it off your chest. Be very careful, however, of who you decide to confide in. A couple of close girlfriends or a family member – a few close people who you can trust is okay. Don't condemn your boyfriend publicly by telling your entire friend group, his best bud, or worse – his mom. Chances are you're not the first to find out, so at the expense of being hurt more or even taken advantage of by a horny guy who knows who are "vulnerable," discuss the issue with your boyfriend first and foremost.
3. Don't ignore his affair or pretend like it's not happening.
Ignorance is not always bliss – we've already stumbled upon that somewhat inconvenient truth. Going into denial will only make things worse. Either you will tear your hair out in grief or he'll take it as a silent tip that you condone his sexual "experimentation."
4. Don't waste time or energy on the other woman.
Of course, unless, the two of you are going to tag team and seek some serious revenge. Otherwise, steer clear. One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It's natural for you to be curious about her, but she's not worth your time and energy. Your time and energy, and of course anger, belong with your boyfriend. Keep the issues between you and your boyfriend; there is no need to include a third party.
Bottom Line: It's between the two of you. Not you and the "other woman." It's easy to misplace your anger on the woman involved, but it's much harder to confront the situation's painful realities. You may work things out with your boyfriend or cheating may be his death sentence; either way, you can't figure these things out unless the two of you are sorting through the issue.
What do you think? Is the other woman to blame? Have you ever been the other woman?
For some girls, cheating was an adrenaline rush. They never intended to hurt anyone, but they never considered the girlfriend either.
"Girls always compete, whether it's over weight, school or sports. Guys are just another thing to vie for. When you score a guy who is in a relationship - you win," said an anonymous senior at American University. "The girlfriend is kind of like a sports rival. I'm concerned with winning the guy, not her feelings if she loses him."
"We were both in a relationship at the time. In a twisted way, we used this to rationalize our actions," said Danielle, a junior at UMass Lowell. "We both loved who we were with at the time, but we were bored. We just wanted excitement and to mix things up, but nothing serious. We found this in each other."
Danielle preferred a game of make-believe, as opposed to a sports game. In the end, it was all about excitement and although the emotion was fleeting, the repercussions would remain intact.
"It was almost like we were partners in crime. This sounds so weird, but sometimes I think of it like robbing a bank. We were doing something wrong and could get caught; there was such a thrill. We were in it together - all or nothing – we both 'won' out in the end, but we would forever be linked by this dirty grimy secret."
4. Sense of Validation
For others, cheating really had nothing to do with an actual relationship. It was more a reflection of "the other woman" and her desire to prove something to herself.
"It's an extra ego boost" said Lauren, a senior at Boston College. "It's the ultimate unavailable. For them to step outside of their relationship and hook up with me really shows something… like they can't resist me or can't wait to get their hands on me."
Lauren may view each "boyfriend" as a trophy and nothing more. In her eyes, she has nothing to lose, but everything to gain. She did admit, however, that her attitude may make it hard for her to find happiness in a relationship: "a taken guy is the ultimate prize, but only when he's not mine to take."
"This sounds really awful, but it makes me feel good" said Alex a junior at Northeastern. "If a guy is willing to jeopardize a relationship for me, then I must be intriguing, hot, smart, mysterious…whatever. I know that if I was really that amazing then I would have my own boyfriend and not have to 'borrow' someone else's to feel good about myself."
"Honestly, it's not my problem, if you can't stop your boyfriend from cheating," said Lindsay, a senior at BC. "I don't think the question is what I'm doing wrong. What are you doing wrong?"
In every situation, the "other woman" is not grappling with the reality of a couple, but is forging a sense of validation. Cheating has nothing to do with the guy or his girlfriend; it has everything to do with the "other woman" sense of self. Whether she wants to feel good, better, wanted…it is all about her.
5. Revenge
For some the self-perspective is beyond compare; they took revenge for an earlier shattered sense of self.
"My best friend ended up dating my high school crush. I was devastated, but thought after three years I had gotten over it," said Michaela, a senior at Suffolk University. "When they were working things out, he ended up coming to me for advice and then it just happened. I didn't plan it, but I didn't stop it either. I kept telling myself she deserves this."
Lindsay, a senior at BC, was more deliberate in revenge: "She used to make fun of me when we were little. She was awful. I saw her boyfriend at a party over break and I just made it happen."
6. Anyone is better than no one
Just when that image of the "home-wreckers" was coming into focus, these girls' stories will dispel any notions that the "other woman" is always a deceitful slut or reckless whore.
"It was when I was younger and I had very little confidence or respect for myself. I knew he had a girlfriend, but he was the first guy who wanted to be with me – the nerdy girl who just didn't fit it," said an Alex, a senior at Boston College. "Being wanted was enough; I didn't want anything more. He wouldn't even acknowledge me in public and I ended up falling for him."
"I knew it was wrong, but I was lonely."
These words sting us all. Whether we were hurt by ourselves or others, cheating is not an easy issue to grapple with and never will be. The "other woman" isn't just the stereotypical home wrecker, but an actual girl who may be very much like you. Maybe instead of attacking her, you can team up with her. She could be at fault, but don't forget, your boyfriend is as well. It takes two to tango, right?
If you do happen to discover that your boyfriend may be fooling around with someone else, Ruth Houston, the author of Is He Cheating on You? 29 Telltale Signs, has provided some tips for what NOT to do:
1. Don't kick him to the curb –quite yet.
Before you throw all of his laundry out of your apartment, just wait a second. At least give the guy time to share his side. Better yet, it will give you a sense of closure or understanding if you hear why he did it.
2. Don't launch a "tell all" about his infidelity.
You may need to tell someone, anyone just to get it off your chest. Be very careful, however, of who you decide to confide in. A couple of close girlfriends or a family member – a few close people who you can trust is okay. Don't condemn your boyfriend publicly by telling your entire friend group, his best bud, or worse – his mom. Chances are you're not the first to find out, so at the expense of being hurt more or even taken advantage of by a horny guy who knows who are "vulnerable," discuss the issue with your boyfriend first and foremost.
3. Don't ignore his affair or pretend like it's not happening.
Ignorance is not always bliss – we've already stumbled upon that somewhat inconvenient truth. Going into denial will only make things worse. Either you will tear your hair out in grief or he'll take it as a silent tip that you condone his sexual "experimentation."
4. Don't waste time or energy on the other woman.
Of course, unless, the two of you are going to tag team and seek some serious revenge. Otherwise, steer clear. One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It's natural for you to be curious about her, but she's not worth your time and energy. Your time and energy, and of course anger, belong with your boyfriend. Keep the issues between you and your boyfriend; there is no need to include a third party.
Bottom Line: It's between the two of you. Not you and the "other woman." It's easy to misplace your anger on the woman involved, but it's much harder to confront the situation's painful realities. You may work things out with your boyfriend or cheating may be his death sentence; either way, you can't figure these things out unless the two of you are sorting through the issue.
What do you think? Is the other woman to blame? Have you ever been the other woman?
