Asexuality—Not Just for the Amoebas: What it's like to be "ace" in college - Part 3

Playing their cards close to their hand
 
While Helen tackled the issue of being "ace" head-on, a significant number of people who identify as asexual find it easier to let their peers make their own assumptions. 73% of AVEN poll respondents said that they "never really felt like there was an outlet to discuss asexuality" and 40% said that they "often felt out of place or uncomfortable in various social situations." 45% of respondents said they felt that being asexual on a college campus never really mattered to anyone, although more than one user responded that this may have been because they chose to fly under the radar.
 
One AVEN-ite revealed that she successfully shielded herself from the scrutiny of other collegiettes™ by feigning interest in guys. "I pretended to be sexually attracted [to men] but never did anything sexual to keep up the act," she explained. "It mostly consisted of girls asking me if I thought so-and-so was hot, and I would look blankly and go, 'Yes?'" Another AVEN community member said that he never felt pressure to define his orientation to anyone because his brother and his friends have accepted who he is. "I see it like my height," he wrote. "I don't walk up to people I meet and say, 'Hello, I'm X. I'm 5'9 ½. Pleased to meet you. There weren't really any outlets in college to discuss being asexual [but] I talk to my roommates about it and AVEN is another outlet."
 
Amanda, a student supporting herself through Hillsborough Community College in Florida, also denies ever having resorted to subterfuge to get out of "awkward situations" that come up because of her asexuality, but is conscious of the fact that keeping a low-profile at her big school makes life easier. "I would like to attempt to start an 'ace' awareness group by allying with the LGBT association for starters, but that would also take a certain boldness that I have yet to find within myself. I do not share my asexuality often (or, come out of the basement as some Avenites affectionately call it) because the concept of asexuality can be difficult for some to accept or understand. It can be painful because no one wants to share a crucial aspect about herself only to have it dismissed or ignored by people she respects, loves and desires acceptance from." The Floridian believes that the inability of others to understand asexuality makes it hard to see that many aces desire intimacy, too, even if they act upon those impulses in different ways. After breaking up with an ex when he became increasingly interested in having a "physical relationship", Amanda decided to take a hiatus from romance, but is open to the idea of dating someone new later on in college. "Sex does not equal love and therefore aces are very much as capable of feeling it as much as anyone else," Amanda states. "Many asexuals, if they happen to find that special someone—that 'soul-mate' you could say—would consider consensual sex if the person weren't asexual themselves."

For Amanda, an asexual significant other would be preferable ("because it would be nice to be on the same wavelength"), but she remains open to the idea of dating any person who is compatible with her—as long as her asexuality remains a non-issue. Still, she is perfectly happy for the time being. "Even if things could not work out with someone, I am comfortable the way I am and with the friends and family that I have. I feel as though I don't need more at the moment."
 
How do we come to terms with asexuality when it's so complicated?
 
Like many identities, asexuality is malleable and may change depending on a person's environment, friends, family or decision to commit to another person. However, Dr. Fawver stresses the importance of making sure that we all use words that enhance the meaning of, rather than define our lives as sexual beings. "If a person is content with being asexual," the sexologist says, "then they should go live their life and be happy. But if someone is unhappy, I think it would be wise to delve a little deeper into the subject [of her sexuality] before she automatically grabs onto a self-definition. It could be that this person had negative previous sexual experiences and just wants to chill. It could have been early messages about female sexuality from society, or from parents, or from certain religious doctrines. It could come from a variety of sources and if a young person has thought about her own sexuality and has chosen to not be sexual or engage in sexual activity with another person, that's alright—but you don't have to pre-diagnose yourself with some trendy label. Claim your sexuality and be proud, but understand that that's a choice not to engage with another person, rather than a diagnostic condition that will be with you forever."
 
Sources
The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)
"No sex please: An asexual life", The Observer 
"Study: One in 100 adults asexual", CNN 
Helen and Amanda, anonymous AVEN users
Patricia Fawver, Ph.D., clinical sexologist
Maria Santos, SAFE Zones educator
 
Image Credits
http://eurotik.cafebabel.com/public/eurotik/asexual.jpg
http://www.deeppencil.com/images/asexuality-unscrewed.jpg
"Decision", UmiNoTenshi on Photobucket