Being Single For the First Time Since I Was 13 - Part 2
After Jake, I found myself full of bitter resentment for love and anything surrounding it. My mouth filled with pregurgitative spit at the sight of couples holding hands. I rolled my eyes at romantic comedies starring Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan, and the like. I became particularly fond of saying statements like, "Love is not real" or, even more, "Love is not worth it." This angst only lasted for a few months, however. Jake and I ended in November of my sophomore year and by February I was already texting Zach daily, falling right back into my old patterns and not trying at all to resist them. Zach and I dated for a little over a year, most of the time spent struggling through a long-distance relationship. He went to college in Boston and I was still a high school student in South Florida. With Zach, so many of the other defining parts of my personality and life just faded away. I was defined by being his girlfriend. Rather than attend events at my high school, I would stay home to talk on the phone with him. I really did not have any friends while I was with Zach—I spent most of my weekends visiting him or making money to visit him. I really did not make any of my own decisions while I was with Zach—he was adamantly against smoking and drinking, so I opted out of those typical teenage activities, which, yes, was very possibly a good decision, but it wasn't my good decision. I would have rather I destroyed IQ points with liquor stolen from my parents on a Saturday night, if that was what I wanted, but I had not stopped to think about what it was I wanted. I knew that I wanted a boyfriend. That was the most important thing to me, so I did not even consider the sacrifices I was making to have that. I did not even stop to think if there were better options out there for me. Even a silly thing like what bands I liked and what movies I found appealing were altered during my time spent with Zach. I was not my own person. I was his person. I went from being Jake's to Zach's and I had no idea how to stand alone.
Zach and I broke up before I entered college for reasons similar to my break-up with Jeff four years earlier—I wanted to be single in college. In fact, the one goal I had set out for myself was to remain single throughout my entire freshman year. After all, you only get to be a freshman in college once, right? I found myself in a relationship by November. I say "I found myself" because that's really what it felt like—that I had just fallen into it, without any control or consent. I met Jon my first day of freshman year and we bonded instantly as close friends. For awhile, things were strictly platonic, but I soon realized that he was looking at my differently and that I was beginning to look at him differently. Right before Thanksgiving Break we kissed each other and it felt right—I felt like I could be myself around him. Jon and I fell in love in a way I never have previously. He was my best friend. We told each other everything. We were insanely attracted to each other. We even studied abroad together and it was during that experience that I watched our relationship slowly, but surely die and, as I did so, I had a strange thought, a thought I had never had before—I want to be single. Not "I want to be single because I am moving to a different state or a different school," but "I want to be single because it's time for me to learn how to stand alone."
I often find myself saying that I was a way more interesting person when I was thirteen. On the surface, this statement makes no sense. When I was thirteen I piled on orange makeup and spent the majority of my time perfecting my MySpace profile. But I also had really sturdy and strong notions about love. I imagined how massive it would feel when I fell in love and I was determined to hold out for a love like that. Undoubtedly, I have been in love, but I would never describe that love as massive and I'm unsure exactly when I decided I would be okay with that. I assume it was somewhere around the time that I decided I would focus more on my relationship with males than my relationship with myself. For years, I have put an extreme amount of effort into my romantic relationships. I have flown across the country for a boy, I have used all my babysitting money to buy concert tickets, and I have failed exams because I was up all night on the phone with a boy. Undoubtedly, I have taken risks in an attempt to tap into the inner psyche of whatever boy I was in a relationship with at that time. And, yet, I have never taken the time to get to know myself with that same passion. I want to commit the same time and energy that I have to Jake and Zach and Jon to me. I do not believe I can have a successful relationship until I begin to feel secure standing alone. It is time for me to look at all the incredible things in my life and in myself and gain security from those.
Although I truly do want to be single, I have found it incredibly easy to go back to my old habits these past two months. Recently, I found myself in the apartment of an attractive male. We discussed the fact that we both were not interested in having a relationship, but I still felt myself developing a crush on him. Admittedly, I felt safe and desired with him, which is something I find difficult to feel when I'm standing alone. A few days after I spent the night, he rejected me, giving me an inappropriately serious speech for our casual relationship. Four years ago, three years, ago, two years ago, one year ago I would have tried harder. I would have altered bits and pieces of my personality in an attempt to woo this human. But I cannot do that anymore. I cannot, and will not, focus on a relationship with a boy I hardly know. Instead, I am choosing to focus my time on a relationship with a girl I have neglected for far too long.
Sources:
http://blog.tinyprints.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Kids-in-Love1.jpg
Zach and I broke up before I entered college for reasons similar to my break-up with Jeff four years earlier—I wanted to be single in college. In fact, the one goal I had set out for myself was to remain single throughout my entire freshman year. After all, you only get to be a freshman in college once, right? I found myself in a relationship by November. I say "I found myself" because that's really what it felt like—that I had just fallen into it, without any control or consent. I met Jon my first day of freshman year and we bonded instantly as close friends. For awhile, things were strictly platonic, but I soon realized that he was looking at my differently and that I was beginning to look at him differently. Right before Thanksgiving Break we kissed each other and it felt right—I felt like I could be myself around him. Jon and I fell in love in a way I never have previously. He was my best friend. We told each other everything. We were insanely attracted to each other. We even studied abroad together and it was during that experience that I watched our relationship slowly, but surely die and, as I did so, I had a strange thought, a thought I had never had before—I want to be single. Not "I want to be single because I am moving to a different state or a different school," but "I want to be single because it's time for me to learn how to stand alone."
I often find myself saying that I was a way more interesting person when I was thirteen. On the surface, this statement makes no sense. When I was thirteen I piled on orange makeup and spent the majority of my time perfecting my MySpace profile. But I also had really sturdy and strong notions about love. I imagined how massive it would feel when I fell in love and I was determined to hold out for a love like that. Undoubtedly, I have been in love, but I would never describe that love as massive and I'm unsure exactly when I decided I would be okay with that. I assume it was somewhere around the time that I decided I would focus more on my relationship with males than my relationship with myself. For years, I have put an extreme amount of effort into my romantic relationships. I have flown across the country for a boy, I have used all my babysitting money to buy concert tickets, and I have failed exams because I was up all night on the phone with a boy. Undoubtedly, I have taken risks in an attempt to tap into the inner psyche of whatever boy I was in a relationship with at that time. And, yet, I have never taken the time to get to know myself with that same passion. I want to commit the same time and energy that I have to Jake and Zach and Jon to me. I do not believe I can have a successful relationship until I begin to feel secure standing alone. It is time for me to look at all the incredible things in my life and in myself and gain security from those.
Although I truly do want to be single, I have found it incredibly easy to go back to my old habits these past two months. Recently, I found myself in the apartment of an attractive male. We discussed the fact that we both were not interested in having a relationship, but I still felt myself developing a crush on him. Admittedly, I felt safe and desired with him, which is something I find difficult to feel when I'm standing alone. A few days after I spent the night, he rejected me, giving me an inappropriately serious speech for our casual relationship. Four years ago, three years, ago, two years ago, one year ago I would have tried harder. I would have altered bits and pieces of my personality in an attempt to woo this human. But I cannot do that anymore. I cannot, and will not, focus on a relationship with a boy I hardly know. Instead, I am choosing to focus my time on a relationship with a girl I have neglected for far too long.Sources:
http://blog.tinyprints.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Kids-in-Love1.jpg
