The Other Woman Tells All: Why I Hooked Up With A Taken Guy - Part 1
Snooping through your guy's phone, you find exactly what you were looking for, but secretly prayed you'd never discover. It's the "other woman" – her number 13 times in his call log, her texts decorated with winky faces, and even a picture of her up close and personal (way too personal). What do you do? What any other girl would do: start cursing at your boyfriend, while nailing him in the face with anything and everything that reminds you of him. Then, vow to wage World War IV against a certain "home-wrecker"…
Not so fast. Maybe the "other woman" is not the one to blame, or at least worth hearing out. What if the texts you stumbled upon weren't just booty calls? What if they painted a picture of an actual girl? Someone you could relate to. Someone you envied. Someone you even felt bad for.
What if you read this conversation?
D: Wow that's kind of harsh
L: No it's the truth
D: But i don't want to
L: That's kind of odd don't u think…
D: I wanna bang you
L: Not happening... Why'd you hook up with me for as long as you did?
D: Cause i liked you
L: Lies…you had a gf you idiot
D: So what i still liked you, you were a really cool girl
L: Hahaha well thanks I guess
D: It's true, I'd say right now that i still like you, why you think i always text you at those random times
L: Because you're drunk and wanted to hook up?
D: That's not the reason i text you, i know you'd never hook up with me again, i accept that, but i always have a little space in my heart for you
L: You're clearly drunkenly talking
The "other woman" isn't evil, but someone who can be confused, hurt and angry. Her Campus has interviewed dozens of "other women" to figure out what prompted the girls to hook up with an otherwise taken guy. We've made sense of their honest, sometimes painful memories, and discovered six common reasons that motivate the "other woman."
1. When I found out it was too late
For some women, they genuinely had no idea that the guy they were talking to was in a relationship. Not a clue. When they discovered the reality of the situation, they were just as devastated as the girlfriend and in some cases had even more to lose.
Christina, a senior at Boston College, recalls the moment when she discovered that her summer hookup was a childhood friend's boyfriend. "It was the worst night of my life," said Christina. One minute she was dancing in the balmy summer air at a keg party, and minutes later she was doused in beer encircled by a group of girls hailing insults: "Slut. Whore. Traitor."
"Here I am and I had absolutely no idea. Everyone is mad at me…I lost my current boyfriend's trust and I lost my friends' respect. To top it all off, he wouldn't admit to it." Confronted with this harsh reality, Christina called the guy and demanded the truth: "So I just got kicked out of your ex-girlfriend's house, because apparently you were cheating on her with me. I was humiliated in front of everyone. What do you have to say? Is it true? Where you together when we hooked up?"
Even if she wasn't at fault, Christina ruined a relationship, a harsh reality for the 21-year-old to swallow. Not to mention, the wrecking snowball effect the discovery had on Christina's personal life. It took months for Christina to repair her relationships and regain her current boyfriend's trust – something she compared to being "framed for a crime." "I was completely innocent, but suffered for what he did. People gossiped about me, threatened me and just ignored me."
Christina admits that she feels like the victim. "She lost a bad guy, but at my expense" said Christina. "I'll always feel guilty and there will always be people who will never believe me."
Admitting the reality of being "the other woman" can be just as painful as realizing that you were cheated on. For some, it means ruined relationships, but for others it resulted in a ruined sense of self.
"I was disgusted with myself when I found out he had a boyfriend" said Kelly, a senior at Boston College. "How could I hook up with someone I knew so little about? Maybe the girlfriend would find out and be devastated, maybe they both would suffer, but the only thing I could think was I hurt myself."
2. Ignorance is Bliss
Other young women confessed to a "what I don't know can't hurt me" philosophy. Or for that matter, hurt anyone else. Oftentimes, they had no idea that there was a girlfriend when the relationship began. For some this was a drunken make-out at a bar that led to a string of hook-ups or chemistry with a coworker that was too hard to deny.
As the relationship progressed, however, they sensed something was off. Why didn't he ever talk about past relationships? Or after a year, why does he refuse to move beyond the "hook up" stage? Other signs were more obvious: a locked phone, a receipt for flowers (she didn't receive) or never stepping foot in his apartment. When you sense something is wrong, it usually is.
"Proving he had a girlfriend wouldn't accomplish anything," said Casey, a senior at Northeastern University who found herself in the situation described above. "Everyone would end up hurt, but I would be the one alone. Maybe they could work through their problems, but I would amount to nothing more than a mistake, a bad memory, an ugly scar on their relationship."
Casey would also have to admit that she was the "other woman" – a role that she never imagined herself fulfilling. For Casey, acknowledging reality meant admitting to many truths she simply was not ready to handle. She continued the relationship until it unraveled on its own.
"It became harder and harder to ignore everything," said Casey. "As details fell into place, I numbed myself to the reality of the situation, but in doing so I shut off every emotion. It was over just like that. I don't know what happened between them after, and I don't ever want to."
The Christinas, Kellys and Caseys of this world let us know that the "other woman" can also be the victim. This is sometimes, not all the time. Some women confessed, not only to knowingly hooking up with someone's boyfriend, but to pursuing a guy just because he is in a relationship. The next three reasons may induce a cringe or the faintest smile. Either way, they add depth to an already difficult situation.
