The Digital World Of Cheating: Facebook, Gchat, Texting, Sexting - Part 2

The Bad & The Ugly

"I found him cheating on me. I admitted that I felt awful for having snooped, but it was mounting suspicion that led me to do so and I'm glad I did because it opened a whole can of worms." — Katie, junior, Boston College

"When I felt the urge to snoop through my ex's Facebook, that should have been a red flag right there. If a girl feels the need to snoop, the relationship is already in trouble. I snooped and found that my ex was not only flirting with other girls, but also cheating on me with them. I broke up with him but never told him how I found out about the cheating. I guess I didn't feel like I owed him anything after that." — Chrissy*, junior, Penn State University
 
"His e-mails were dirty messages back and forth with two different girls, both of which I knew, and hotel receipts for the nights I couldn't get a hold of him," — Alex*, senior, Florida State University

"I didn't want him to get mad or think I was a creep [for snooping]. I never told him, but it turns out I had a good reason for snooping and he completely deserved it." — Brittany*, junior, Iowa State University

"I found out my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me when he became Facebook friends with his crazy ex. I then got really paranoid and told him I was worried. He gave me the passwords to all his online stuff to reassure me. I hated being one of those girls. But then after he removed his ex as a friend — and they became friends again on Facebook!  I got too paranoid and checked his messages on Facebook. I found a love letter and a sex letter between him and his ex, written hours after I'd left his house after a break from school (we were in a long distance relationship). Needless to say I was horrified and we broke up immediately. I don't ever want to be in a position again where I suspect someone is cheating on me and have to have things like their passwords to pacify me. Even if he hadn't been also hooking up with her (the first love letter implied they weren't hooking up but he wanted to be) I would consider it cheating that a guy is sitting down and writing a love Facebook message to another girl." — Jessica*, senior, Duke University

So, is it okay to snoop?

We are left with several stories that begin with a similar motive but end in two different ways. For the bad and the ugly stories, if it weren't for technology these girls may have never known their boyfriend was a cheater. It's a risk you take when you snoop, but according to Dr. Carole Lieberman, author of Bad Girls: Why We Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets, snooping is a forgivable sin.

"These days, when cheating is so prevalent and technology is so tempting, snooping is a forgivable crime," Lieberman says. "If a guy doesn't want his girlfriend to find out what he's been doing wrong, he shouldn't put the evidence on the Internet."

But Lieberman also advises that women need to be careful not to overreact. Since you've looked through his digital world without his knowing, it's important to hear him out first before making accusations.

"Some of these texts, e-mails, Facebook photos, etcetera are not as incriminating as they might seem. You need to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and a chance to explain," she says. "On the other hand, if you confront your guy and he gets mad at you for snooping, instead of trying to allay your fears, this is likely the rants of a guilty man trying to turn the tables on you." 

How To Confront Your Man After Snooping

It's best to discuss your suspicious findings with him first before you start making accusations. Unless it's completely obvious that he's been cheating on you, you should give him the benefit of the doubt and listen to him.

Dr. Lieberman says:

• Ask him calmly.  Even though you might be feeling extremely upset, take a few breaths and ask in an understanding tone. Dr. Lieberman says after doing something "sweet" for him, something as simple as a compliment, look at him sheepishly and say:
• "I'm a little embarrassed to tell you this, but I came across something that I don't understand. I really care about you, so I don't want to misinterpret it, but it has me a little confused. Could you explain what this means?"
• Don't wait.  The more you jump to conclusions and create stories in your head, the more likely his response to the situation will be defensive. Plus, why would you want to live with all that built-up stress and anxiety?
• "If you come at him with guns blazing, he'll just say something impulsively to protect himself because he's scared. But, if you hold back and give him a chance to explain, he might be able to provide a rational explanation," Lieberman said.
• Listen to his side.  If he's being honest with you he will own up to it and offer an explanation.