The Morning After: How to Walk Without Shame
The walk of shame: let's admit it, it happens to the best of us. We've all, at one point or another, woken up at a guy's place and trudged home, in last night's outfit (or, worse, in his gym shorts), with our heels in our hands and smudged eyeliner all over our faces. We keep our heads down as we make our way across campus, avoiding the snickers and stares of our all-too-knowing classmates and praying we don't run into anyone we know. But why does the walk of shame have to be so shameful? Why can't the morning after a hookup be dignified, nice, or even hopeful? Whether you're totally falling for the guy or you never want to see him again, no one should ever make you feel ashamed of yourself the morning after a hookup.
Before we can learn to walk without shame, we must first ask ourselves: how did the shame get there in the first place? Despite a recent influx of criticism about "hookup culture" and the exhibitionist, no-holds-barred "sexting" and "web-camming" antics of our generation, hooking up didn't actually start with us. In fact, the concept has been around for decades. Kathleen Bogle, the author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus, claims the hookup culture arose from a gradual cultural shift over the past few decades. She cites as causes such factors as the sexual revolution and the widespread availability of birth control, as well as demographic changes, including an increased average age of marriage and more women enrolling at colleges than in the past. As a result of these changes, the social structure of college campuses moved away from traditional dating and into an environment of casual sexual encounters.
But if hooking up has been around for so long, why do girls still feel ashamed the morning after? Bogle claims this sense of shame is a vestige from the old double standard about women and sex. "For women, people only fully approve of sex when it's in a relationship context, and when it's more casual or random women tend to get judged more than men." She also explains that there is a disparity between men's and women's expectations: women, much more than men, expect to get a relationship out of a hookup, and when a relationship doesn't come they feel dissatisfied and ashamed.
So we know where the walk of shame comes from, and we know that hooking up can sometimes kind of stink for women. But how do we fix it? How do we get what we want from a hookup, whether it's a relationship or a little casual fun without the requisite bad reputation? It's all in the conduct, ladies. If we play it right, we can walk out of a guy's place with our heads held high and our dignity intact—who knows, maybe the morning after can become the best part of the weekend! Let's examine a few tricky situations:
You really like the guy and don't want this hookup to end up in the one-night-stand graveyard:
If you like him, STAY for breakfast, say hi to his friends, give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek before you leave. Don't run off like you're ashamed of the hookup, or else he will assume you don't want to see him again. But don't get your hopes up—most hookups, like most dates 20 years ago, don't turn into a relationship. What makes it so hard to tell, Bogle says, is that everyone is using the hookup system for something different: some people hook up to find a relationship, some use it for one-night stands, some use it for short, no-strings-attached flings. The only way to tell if you and your guy are on the same page is to take it slow, keep in touch BEFORE 10PM, and see how he responds. If he balks at the idea of an actual conversation with you, then he's probably not looking for a relationship. If he jumps at the idea of dinner and a movie on a Friday night, then he may be a keeper.
You never want to see the guy again, but don't want to make it look like you were using him:
The worst thing you can do if you'd rather dismiss a hookup as a mistake is to sneak out early in the morning without saying goodbye. It's just rude, it makes you look bad, and it gives the guy plenty of opportunity to talk about you with his buddies. Slinking away implies that you are, in fact, ashamed of the hookup, and you invite the back-talk that comes with such a sneaky move. Bogle suggests that, instead, you make it very clear that you two are in the "friend zone" the morning after: "don't act lovey-dovey the next day, don't give him a kiss goodbye, if you just want it to be a casual thing." Don't be mean and give him a reason to talk about you, but don't give him any mixed signals afterwards—otherwise, you may find yourself with a clinger on your hands.
If the guy is a real creeper, and you really want nothing to do with him ever again, you MUST reject him firmly and unambiguously. If he persists, ignore his messages until he gets the hint. Take it from me: sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I once had a stage-five creeper on my hands, who lied to me and gave me fake stats about the frat he claimed to be in, but who did not in fact actually attend my school (or any school, for that matter—yeah, that creepy). He called me a "slore" (slut + whore) after I told him never to speak to me again, but I'd rather that than have to endure his creepy texts for months to come. But of course if you're worried the guy might turn actually dangerous, make sure to alert your campus police of the situation.
The guy has roommates—loud, obnoxious, totally-going-to-make-fun-of-you roommates:
If you play it like there's absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, your hookup's friends won't be able to think of a single thing to say—and frankly, they don't care half as much as you think they do. Jen, a sophomore at Cornell University, recalls a particularly embarrassing morning-after encounter after Halloween: "I walked out of the guy's bedroom looking half-dead, still in my Greek goddess costume, when I encountered a group of guys playing video games. They looked at me like they see it every weekend. I wanted to scurry past, hoping no one would notice, but I kept my dignity and said, 'Hey guys…did you have a good night?'" Playing it cool can make your guy's friends respect you—if they see that you're not ashamed of your hookup, they can't make fun of you for it.
All you have to wear is your outfit from the night before:
This issue is a matter of discretion. If the night before wasn't too fancy, and all you wore was jeans and a nice top, you shouldn't encounter any problems walking home. But if you're trudging home after Halloween, or a formal, or a particularly insanely-themed party (anything but clothes, for example) it may be just a bit too painful to wear last night's outfit home. Ask the guy if you can borrow a pair of gym shorts, or a sweatshirt to throw over your dress. There's little you can do about the heels; if you must wear them, try not to trip all over the place—otherwise, carry them in your hand or ask the guy if you can borrow a pair of flip-flops. If you have class or something important to do the next day, see if you can text your friends and ask them to bring you a change of clothes—we've all been through it, so your friends may be more understanding than you'd expect!
What if we did/didn't have sex?
If you didn't have sex, you may be surprised to find you're in the majority. According to Bogle, only about 38% of college students have ever had a hookup that included sex, and more than a quarter of college students are virgins. We all tend to exaggerate what everyone else is doing, and that can affect our own behavior. So if you're feeling like you disappointed the guy by not sleeping with him, don't worry about it—contrary to popular belief, not everyone else is doing it, and if he expected to have sex with you on the first hookup and you're not comfortable, you probably wouldn't want to date him anyway.
If you did have sex, and you're concerned about what that means for you and the guy, you must make your intentions crystal-clear, so as to avoid any emotional damage in the future. So, if you're interested in him, and you might want the sex to turn into a relationship, make it clear by being extra-friendly the next morning. Make it a point to stay in contact with him; don't just breeze off like it never happened. If you'd rather keep it light, stay civil and friendly but don't give him any reason to think you feel attached—otherwise, he may think that sex was your way of saying you wanted a relationship. If this really was a mistake and you wish you'd never had sex, you shouldn't treat it lightly—you should firmly tell the guy that you'd rather not do that again, or else he could get the wrong idea about your intentions. Once you get in the sex zone, if you're not clear from the get-go where you want to go with it you can get into a very complicated situation—everyone has different feelings and intentions when it come to sex which makes it extremely confusing to both you and the guy how much you're willing to invest emotionally.
Like hookups themselves, the morning after can be murky, confusing, and totally intimidating, but it can also be awesome and exciting. If you face the situation head-on, play it cool, and command respect, you just might be able to walk off into the sunset with your guy after all—or at least make it home without a drop of shame. Once you master the art of the morning after, your walk home will feel more like a walk of fame!
Sources:
Kathleen Bogle, author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships On Campus, and professor of sociology and criminal justice at La Salle University
Jennifer Albert, Cornell University sophomore
