Parents and Your Love Life: How To Handle Being Home for the Holidays - Part 2
Alright, maybe she's being a little melodramatic.
The Problem
The holiday season can pose as many problems for chicks in relationships as it can for single girls. Your boyfriend's parents want to meet you but your family wants you to come home, both of your family holiday parties are on the same day, your family is annoyed that you're spending all of your free time at home on the phone with your man…the possibilities are endless.
"Last Christmas, I was dating a guy that lived in my hometown but didn't go to my college, so I wanted to see him as much as possible over break," said Lauren*, a junior at the University of Michigan. "But my parents were mad that I wasn't spending a lot of time at home, and my dad tried to limit how often I could see my boyfriend. I get why they wanted me home, but it just really made me mad – I felt like I was in high school again, and I had really been looking forward to seeing my boyfriend a lot."
How To Deal
It can be hard to say no to your sweetheart, especially during such a romantic time of year. But Dr. Sobota says that it's particularly important to consider your family's perspective in this situation.
"If you're going home to visit your family over the holidays, then you need to keep your family's wishes in mind," he said. "You're a part of that family, and sometimes people have to sacrifice things for the greater good of the family."
So does that mean you have to cut off all ties with your beau in favor of family sing-a-longs and watching your brothers wrestle all break? Not necessarily.
"Talk to your parents about what kinds of interaction they'd be comfortable with," Dr. Sobota said. "Things like this are usually situational in nature, so while they may not be OK with one plan, another one might seem more acceptable. And be flexible – try to keep in mind where your parents are coming from and what they need, and you'll be more likely to find a solution."
It sounds like the key point here is to try to compromise. Maybe your parents don't want you to visit your boyfriend's place, but they'd be OK with him coming over to your place. Phone chats may be off-limits during dinnertime, but it might be alright to talk later at night when people start going to bed. Do your best to find a middle ground, but Dr. Sobota suggests not challenging or defying them if things don't work out your way.
"The biggest issue here is to avoid having a power struggle with your parents," he said. "Even if you don't agree with what they're saying, it generally won't work to try to hammer in your point, and nothing will be resolved. And you have a better chance of resolving issues with your parents down the road if you avoid power struggles now."
The Bottom Line
If you're visiting your family at home, their wishes should come first. But try to be flexible when asking for a compromise, and don't allow power struggles to creep into your arguments.
The dating/hookup habits you've gotten accustomed to at school aren't going over too well with your parents.
Sure, this is practically protocol in your apartment, but try it at home and Mom and Dad miiiight freak out.
The Problem
Let's say you're at college, and you meet an irresistibly attractive guy at a bar. You might take him home and have loud, hold-nothing-back sex before he slips out of your apartment the next morning. Or maybe you invite him to your friend's place after the bar closes, where you'll continue the party and get to know each other before you pass out on her futon. Or maybe you'll just give him your number and end the night alone, stumbling into your kitchen with smeared makeup and a broken shoe at 4 am to make some spaghetti. Typical? Maybe. But for most of us, none of these scenarios are considered acceptable when we're at home.
Alright, so that might have been a particularly wild example. But while we're used to dating and hooking up a certain way on campus, our parents probably aren't comfortable with certain kinds of behavior going on in their home. Maybe they don't want you to go out to the bars at all, or it's possible you could still have a curfew if you do. Maybe you're still not allowed to spend the night with your boyfriend, or perhaps you have to stay in a public area of the house when you have male guests. "My house, my rules" seems to be the theme when you're visiting your parents.
How To Deal
It can definitely be frustrating to go from having total independence on campus to submitting to the same old rules when you return home. But consider the policies you have at your place at college that you expect your guests and roommates to abide by, like not leaving the dishes out overnight or not bringing guys over without warning. With that in mind, "my house, my rules" might seem more understandable.
"Ultimately, if you're home, you need to respect the rules of the house. If you can't handle it, then don't go home," Dr. Sobota said.
That being said, certain factors like age and the reasonableness of your request might have an impact on your parents' mindset.
"The age of the college girl could make a difference here," Dr. Sobota said. "A college freshman returning home for the first time since high school might be expected to live by her high school rules, while it might be understood that a 21-year-old senior or a recent graduate might be given more freedom at home."
The reasonableness of your request matters, too. Your parents might be more likely to let you sleep over at your boyfriend's house if there's a legitimate reason for you to stay – if he lives far away, for example, and driving home late at night could be dangerous. Similarly, you might be more likely to get an extension on your curfew if it's for one or two big nights, instead of every night that you're home.
In general, Dr. Sobota says that it's important to try to understand why your parents think the way that they do.
"Some parents have a hard time accepting that their kids are growing up," he said. "Yes, parents need to acknowledge that their kid is becoming independent, but girls should recognize that it can be very difficult for a parent to do that."
The Bottom Line
Respect your parents' rules while you're home, although your age and the reasonableness of your request might warrant some exceptions. You'll be back on campus soon enough!
Sources:
Dr. Walter Sobota, licensed psychologist
Anonymous college girls
