4. Guarantee that he has guy time
His friends may not be as open about it, but they probably miss him too. Guy nights are great for his social life and for yours! Tulane student and HC Campus Correspondent Catherine Combs and her boyfriend "set a rule that [they do] at least one night out or one day with [their] friends and not each other." While he's playing poker with his group, you can finish up homework or go out with your girlfriends. Spending time apart is just as important as spending time together.
5. Be up front with him
Chances are, you're not the only one slacking on responsibilities in this relationship. Talking about this time misplacement with your boyfriend is important, says Levine. "College is a wonderful time to meet new people and have experiences. You both would be missing out if you spent your time exclusively with each other," she adds. Make it clear how important your work is to you and he'll respect that (and if not, you know he's not worth dating!). If you're hoping to have a sleepover but know you'll be more inclined to go out to breakfast than to class after you wake up, stress to him the importance of your attending class. Talk to your boyfriend about practicing self-control with your relationship and decide together when you should spend time apart or with each other.
6. Already guilty?
For those girls who have already damaged the connection between them and their girlfriends, Levine suggests an honest apology. "Their friends know they dumped them and there's no getting around it," she notes. Admitting that you were wrong but are ready to make an effort is the best way to start fresh. "If they are really good friends they'll understand and be forgiving," Levine encourages.
Whether you decide to mimic those eventful Sex and the City brunches with your crew or entitle your boyfriend as a new study buddy, a new relationship doesn't mean that other friends and activities have to fall to the wayside. One of the many traits your boyfriend probably admires about you is your dedication to your friends and your passion for your extracurriculars, and these are most likely qualities you admire in yourself. It's important not to lose yourself in your relationship and spending too much together can do just that.
*Name changed to avoid offending a certain friend
Sources:
Irene S. Levine, PhD, Author, Best Friends Forever: Surviving A Break-Up With Your Best Friend
Real Live College Guy Joey: To-The-Point Answers to 4 New Questions About Foreplay, Flirty Friendships & Keggers
- Baffled at Bates
My dear unfortunate friend, I believe this to be a case of "does he" or "doesn't he," and with that in mind—ignoring how obvious that conclusion is—I say to you, does he touch you flirtatiously? Does he compliment certain outfits or hair dos? Do you bicker as only an adorably annoying couple can? If you answered an affirmative to any of the aforementioned questions, it's safe to assume that this dude is seeking more than friendship. As a naturally flirtatious man-beast myself, it's hard to toe the line between simply friends-that-flirt, and friends-that-flirt-'cause-they-want-more. As I say with all other questions concerning the "should I tell him?" question, I implore you to remember that honesty always trumps insecurity. If you're truly nervous about broaching the topic, make it as light as possible. Try a simple white lie to get the ball rolling, a nice "So-and-so said we flirt all the time…Crazy, huh??" It's entirely likely that your man-friend will feel the same way, and if he doesn't, you've left more than enough room to joke about it alongside him—inner torment notwithstanding.
2. How can I attract guys at a keg party? I am one of those girls who is fun but doesn't look like a model.
– Flip-cupping at Florida State
The luck is yours then, Florida, because blessedly most women don't look like those airbrushed skeletons that magazines mean for you to aspire to. As far as attracting guys solely at keg parties…I'm a tad confused. I take it to mean you want male attention while at pseudo-archetypal college fiestas. If so, forget that there's anyone there you could be interested in. The best advice I've ever given someone was that guys really can sense when someone is desperate for a boyfriend or a relationship-of-sorts. Relax! Have fun with your friends and guys should come your way. Don't make yourself too obviously available. Having fun with friends should be your numero uno goal at "keg parties." Any benefits you reap from male attention should come secondary. Don't worry about not looking like a "model," and focus instead on having fun. Just by doing that you should gain the attention you desire. Guys aren't interested in girls that seem on the prowl for attention; however, don't expect an immediate crowd of men vying for your attention. The best thing to remember is that once you're comfortable with yourself, guys will be too.
3. I've been dating a guy for a while and we've both never had sex but we make out all the time. What does it mean when he gets on top of me? What should I do?
-Confused at Colgate
Quite the confusing question you pose, Colgate. To put it plainly—and a tad profanely—his getting on top of you can mean one of two (or both) things. If he's simply lying on top of you while you're macking, then he may just prefer being the one doing the controlling. Now, on the other hand, if he's clearly mimicking the act of sex, then your dude is down to get things moving. Try and see if you notice any rubbing… I'm going to end that train of thought. If he's mimicking the act of sex, then your guy is ready to take the leap, or at least getting ready. Now your next step, if you're both new to the act of fornication, is to address this idea with each other. Are you ready to take the plunge? Is he? Keeping in mind the horror of talking about sex rather than initiating the act, it's probably best to just bring up "the next phase" of your dating. By bringing up the next phase in your pseudo-relationship, the topic of sex should come up naturally.
4. Ok, so this guy and I had been hanging out since we moved to college in August. And we started dating sometime in November because he wanted to take the relationship slow since he'd been hurt in past relationships. Everything was great and the semester ended and we went home for semester break. When we came back something just wasn't right, so I asked if everything was ok and he said he wanted to move back to just being friends. Said I'm amazing and that he likes everything about me, but he realized he isn't ready for a relationship. Now I'm left feeling played and wondering what happened in those three weeks we were apart. What could have changed his mind?
-Single at Stanford
To be completely frank, I assume that because you did indeed begin seeing one another right away—even "unofficially"—our said man didn't get to experience the whole single-at-college kind of deal. Unfortunately this is totally normal. Most guys come to regret being in a relationship immediately upon their entry at college. I can only assume that this dude went home and realized, either through conversations with friends or through introspective analysis (to be honest, probably the former), that maybe he needed to try being on his own for a while. As sure as a person who doesn't know the both of you can be, I'm nearly positive that this is what befell your romance. Don't stress about what YOU may have done, focus instead on how he was apprehensive from the start. Who knows? Maybe this'll end up being good for the both of you. College is supposed to be "the time of our lives," and all that jazz, go out and enjoy being a single college coed for a while.
Girl Code: What's Ok & What's Not According to Collegiettes™
Your best friend's guy is off-limits. Or is he? Some girls wouldn't think twice about having anything to do with a friend's ex-boyfriend, but others manage to find "legal" loopholes and ways to justify doing it. Then there are the guys you just hooked up with – and while you know you have impeccable taste in men and can't really blame your girlfriends for wanting a piece of that action – you find it odd to discover that a friends of yours hooked up with the same guy as you. Is that okay?
Before you decide to trade in your friends for not following the Girl Code, maybe you should make sure you and they know what it is.
Ellie Scarborough, founder and queen bee of Pink Kisses, a website dedicated to helping girls recover from breakups, shares her answers on how to handle five common situations that come up between girlfriends and exes. Dan Lier from ASK Dan & Mike gives us a guy's perspective and explains how to deal with these delicate situations. And some of our (not-always-so-innocent) collegiettes™ weigh in.
Can you date a friend's ex-boyfriend?
Scarborough: Let's be honest – there's something seductive about a guy who's off-limits, but he's off-limits for a reason. There are billions, literally billions of guys out there. Why do you have to pull one right out from under your friend's nose? Friendships are built on trust, and that trust is violated when you dig into one another's "leftovers."
Lier: You can do anything you want, but like all actions, there are consequences. Dating your friend's ex will change your relationship with her without a doubt. So, depending on how important your friend is to you, this might be something to consider. Generally speaking, it's not a good idea and you will most likely lose your friendship with the girl. If she is not the kind of person who is a true friend anyway, then go for it.
Jessica, University of Pittsburgh 2010 graduate: I was the girl who dated my friend's ex. Samantha and I weren't great friends to begin with, but we moved in the same circle and she was really good friends with my roommate. So when I started dating Samantha's ex, the entire group of friends divided—most of them sided with Samantha, including my roommate. It took about a year before Samantha finally re-friended me on Facebook (the modern-day equivalent to being on speaking terms again!), but I still don't think she's forgiven me to this day. I could have brought the situation up with her and found out if she was comfortable with it beforehand, but I probably would've dated him either way. They dated for six months. We dated for two years. They don't talk anymore. He and I talk every day.
Can you just hook up with a friend's ex-boyfriend?
Scarborough: It is absolutely, positively not okay to put your paws on someone from your friend's past for any reason whatsoever. Just imagine how you'd feel if the roles were reversed. Even if time has passed and it seems like the feelings between them have died, that's not an excuse. There's no erasing the fact that your friend has history with the guy, and if you get physical with him, you're trespassing. Simple as that.
Lier: This goes against the "Girl Code." You don't want to be known as someone who goes after friends' leftovers. That's cheap. Scavengerous. There are plenty of guys out there to hook up with and getting with a friend's ex-boyfriend not only breaks the "Girl-Code," it also makes a loud statement about who you are from a loyalty standpoint and how you see yourself. You don't need to hook up with your friend's ex-boyfriend.
Laura, New England liberal arts college sophomore: Two of my best friends are in a huge fight right now because Ashley hooked up with Sarah's ex. It happened once already last semester. Ashley promised Sarah it would never happen again. But two weeks ago, Ashley and Sarah's ex hooked up again, and now Ashley and Sarah aren't talking to each other. Even though Sarah has another boyfriend now and says she's completely over her ex, she's still mad at Ashley for breaking a promise.
Can you hook up with a friend's past hookup?
Scarborough: Hookups are a tricky thing. We like to tell ourselves it's just physical and doesn't mean anything, but we're not as in control as we think. Bonding chemicals are released into a woman's system when she reaches orgasm, and regardless of who the guy is or how much he might not be the right fit, we can still get attached. So even though you might think your friend wasn't emotionally involved with him, it's not so black and white.
Plus, wondering if your hookup is thinking about past experiences with your friend while he's kissing you is not hot. So, can you hook up with a friend's past hookup? Probably. Should you? NO!
Lier: The only time it gets tricky is if your friend still has feelings for the guy—that could damage your relationship with your friend. If it was completely casual, absolutely.
Nicole, University of Iowa senior: This depends on the hookup. Personally, I don't want to have sex with someone a good friend of mine also had sex with. That's just weird. If my friend just made-out with him once, I think that's okay.
How to handle friends being friends with your exes
Scarborough: If you have a particular girlfriend who is going out of her way to hang out with your ex, you probably need to have a major discussion with her about respecting your friendship. If she doesn't understand why you're upset or doesn't seem to care, she's not a true friend. If she's keeping him around with the intention of hooking up with him or dating him in the future, move on from both of them.
Lier: It all depends on the situation. There are too many potential situations to make a general statement on what a girl should do if her friends are hanging around with her exes. Yet, a good rule of thumb is communication is always key. For the best results, try to keep it to a non-emotional discussion.
Karen, Graceland University senior: I went to a party of one of my girlfriends, who happens to be friends with both of my exes. I took my fiancé along just to have someone to talk to in case she was drunk. She was. And then she pulled me into the other room to chat, leaving my fiancé in the main room talking to one of my exes. Then I ran into the other one and mistook him for someone else. Two exes, one party—one bad idea. It was awkward!
Can you stay friends with your guy friend's ex-girlfriend? Can you date him?
Scarborough: Dating the guy depends on how genuine your friendship has become with his ex. Sure, you knew him first, but if she's a good friend and you're a decent human being, you won't go after him, because friends don't prey on friends' breakups. If she's just an acquaintance and you've been friends with the guy for a lot longer than you've known her, choose wisely and know that if you end up kissing the guy, you can kiss your friendship with his ex goodbye.
Lier: You can date the guy. You were friends with him first. This would also depend on how "close" of friends you have become with the girl, yet we stay firm on the fact that you were friends with him first, so go for it.
Victoria, New York University junior: This situation has happened to me before, and in my case my good guy friend asked me to no longer speak to her. As his friend, I respected his wishes since she only hung out with us because of him. She would send me an occasional message over Facebook and that was it. I never went ahead and made plans to hang out with her. He is my friend, and she only was because of him. My loyalty stayed with him. In my situation, I would never date this particular guy friend, but I could see it turning into a bit of an awkward situation if I did.
Sources:
Dan Lier, relationship, sex and communication expert from ASK Dan & Mike
Ellie Scarborough, founder and queen bee of Pink Kisses, a website dedicated to breakup recovery
Jessica, University of Pittsburgh 2010 graduate
Karen, Graceland University 2011
Laura, New England liberal arts college 2013
Nicole, University of Iowa 2011
Victoria, New York University 2012
Getting "Unlucky": How to Deal with a Sub-Par Hookup
It isn't just the guys who want a good hookup. Collegiettes™ are looking to get lucky, too. But how many times can we actually consider a hookup "getting lucky"? Most of the time, especially if it's a first-time or random hookup, it's awkward, weird, and just not that good. Hate to break it to the dudes out there, but not everything you guys do is Meg Ryan-in-the-diner-scene-in-When Harry Met Sally-worthy. Wise Sarah, collegiette™ of Florida State, defines "getting lucky" as "sex. And it has to be good sex. Because if you get some and it sucks... well, that is getting 'unlucky'!" Unlucky, indeed. Think your hookup horror story is bad? These collegiettes™ give us the worst (and the weirdest):
"I was hooking up with a guy, and after a while I realized how horrible of an idea it was. I tried feeding him every line I could think of to make it stop. Finally, I told him a friend of mine had a crush on him, so I felt really bad and couldn't do 'this' anymore. He said these exact words: 'Let's just pretend no one else in the world exists right now.' It was such a horrible line I started laughing out loud. He got the hint after that and stopped." –Anna, Missouri State
"I had one guy ask me to scratch him so hard that he'd bleed, that would have to be weirdest and the strangest." –Krista, Simmons College
"I had sex drunk in my boyfriend's car and didn't realize how badly I was cutting my legs up while doing it. I had huge bleeding scrapes on both knees which turned into ugly scabs. I had to figure out an explanation of how this happened, not only to my parents, but to everyone at his grad party two days later." –CiCi, College of Media
"The guy started sucking on my toes....I was flattered that he would think so highly of them, but SERIOUSLY? I got up and left." –Mia, Quinnipiac University
"Once when I was hooking up with a guy at a high school dance (classy, I know), he stopped mid-kiss, looked me straight in the eye, and asked, 'Can I touch your tit?' I burst out laughing and ran away." –Emily, Hamilton College
"I was making out with this guy at his apartment for the first time, and he made the poor decision to take his shirt off. Any physical attraction I felt for him was immediately gone once I saw how unbelievably hairy his chest and arms were—MUCH hairier than any guy I have ever seen before. I did not even want to be pressed up against him while making out because of how grossed out I was by his hairy chest." –Jacqueline, Harvard University
"I stayed the night with a guy after having sex with him. The sex was good the first time, but I was woken up in the middle of the night by him trying to have sex with me again, while I was asleep! SO weird!!" –Brittany, Johns Hopkins University
Yikes! So when you know a hookup is not going well (see above for examples), how do you get out of it? Should you suffer through and just laugh about it tomorrow with your girlfriends? A noble choice, but no collegiette™ should stand for a dude's poor performance. Here are some ways to make your escape:
- ALWAYS have a friend check-in on you via cell during a first-time hookup. If you're having fun, don't answer. If you're not, lunge for your iPhone, ready with your rehearsed phrase, "Oh no, Whitney, you got food poisoning? Oh honey, I'll be there right away."
- You could fake food poisoning yourself. Run to the bathroom, gather up your things, and apologize on your way out the door, "I knew I shouldn't have tried the dining hall sushi!"
- Start crying. "You remind me of my ex-boyfriend, and I just have so many FEEELLINGGS!!" Dude will be turned off for sure.
- Pull the old sleep-and-run. Pretend to pass out, and then sneak out once he has too. Or go ahead and have a nice little nap and leave when you're ready.
- Be honest. It's a bold move, but you could just tell him you're not into it. You won't be saving his feelings, but maybe he'll be moved to improve for the next girl that comes his way!
There you have it, ladies. Be warned by collegiettes'™ past nooky nightmares that not every hookup is a good one! Next time a dude gets weird on you, remember your tips and get out of there. Here's to never getting unlucky again!
How to Save Money in Relationships
Being Single For the First Time Since I Was 13 - Part 2
Zach and I broke up before I entered college for reasons similar to my break-up with Jeff four years earlier—I wanted to be single in college. In fact, the one goal I had set out for myself was to remain single throughout my entire freshman year. After all, you only get to be a freshman in college once, right? I found myself in a relationship by November. I say "I found myself" because that's really what it felt like—that I had just fallen into it, without any control or consent. I met Jon my first day of freshman year and we bonded instantly as close friends. For awhile, things were strictly platonic, but I soon realized that he was looking at my differently and that I was beginning to look at him differently. Right before Thanksgiving Break we kissed each other and it felt right—I felt like I could be myself around him. Jon and I fell in love in a way I never have previously. He was my best friend. We told each other everything. We were insanely attracted to each other. We even studied abroad together and it was during that experience that I watched our relationship slowly, but surely die and, as I did so, I had a strange thought, a thought I had never had before—I want to be single. Not "I want to be single because I am moving to a different state or a different school," but "I want to be single because it's time for me to learn how to stand alone."
I often find myself saying that I was a way more interesting person when I was thirteen. On the surface, this statement makes no sense. When I was thirteen I piled on orange makeup and spent the majority of my time perfecting my MySpace profile. But I also had really sturdy and strong notions about love. I imagined how massive it would feel when I fell in love and I was determined to hold out for a love like that. Undoubtedly, I have been in love, but I would never describe that love as massive and I'm unsure exactly when I decided I would be okay with that. I assume it was somewhere around the time that I decided I would focus more on my relationship with males than my relationship with myself. For years, I have put an extreme amount of effort into my romantic relationships. I have flown across the country for a boy, I have used all my babysitting money to buy concert tickets, and I have failed exams because I was up all night on the phone with a boy. Undoubtedly, I have taken risks in an attempt to tap into the inner psyche of whatever boy I was in a relationship with at that time. And, yet, I have never taken the time to get to know myself with that same passion. I want to commit the same time and energy that I have to Jake and Zach and Jon to me. I do not believe I can have a successful relationship until I begin to feel secure standing alone. It is time for me to look at all the incredible things in my life and in myself and gain security from those.
Although I truly do want to be single, I have found it incredibly easy to go back to my old habits these past two months. Recently, I found myself in the apartment of an attractive male. We discussed the fact that we both were not interested in having a relationship, but I still felt myself developing a crush on him. Admittedly, I felt safe and desired with him, which is something I find difficult to feel when I'm standing alone. A few days after I spent the night, he rejected me, giving me an inappropriately serious speech for our casual relationship. Four years ago, three years, ago, two years ago, one year ago I would have tried harder. I would have altered bits and pieces of my personality in an attempt to woo this human. But I cannot do that anymore. I cannot, and will not, focus on a relationship with a boy I hardly know. Instead, I am choosing to focus my time on a relationship with a girl I have neglected for far too long.
Sources:
http://blog.tinyprints.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Kids-in-Love1.jpg
Being Single For the First Time Since I Was 13 - Part 1
It would be all too easy to blame my serial dating on my parents' very messy, very public divorce. It would be all too easy to cite an over-generalizing quote by Sigmund Freud concerning paternal issues. It would be all too easy to overanalyze my situation and claim that, in my relationships, I look for the love that my parents, after twenty-seven years of marriage, let go of. It would be easy, but it would also be unfair and just plain wrong. After all, when I met my first boyfriend, Michael Negie of Donna Klein Jewish Academy, I was only five-years-old and my family still went on vacations to Club Med together and ate dinner promptly at 6 o'clock each night. No, this obsession, this addiction, seems to be something innate inside of me. Being in a relationship is, if nothing else, my natural state—it's what feels comfortable to me. For the first time since I was thirteen, I am actively fighting against this. At 19 years old, I am single and I am terrified.
My first boyfriend might have been Michael Negie (he was also, technically, my first husband—we got married on the playground. The bride wore Gymboree and the groom wore Baby Gap), but my first relationship was with Jeff Alden. We began dating in the winter of eighth grade, our relationship consummating at the Annual Eighth Grade Winter Dance and developing into a sweet, innocent connection. Our mothers would drive us to the movie theatre and we would blissfully hold hands. We would ride our bikes to each other's homes and sit across the room from one another, petrified to touch the other one. Sometimes, if we were feeling particularly confident, we would engage in the kind of kiss that is typically reserved for PG movies or television shows on The Disney Channel. It was all sweet fun. We said "I love you" without any concern for the gravity of those three little words. We had no concern for anything. I was actually the one to end things with Jeff. I broke up with him the summer before entering high school—"I want to be single in high school," I remember telling him. "I want to be able to go out with my friends and not have to worry about having a boyfriend." I was certainly lying to him, but I don't remember if I was lying to myself as well—I don't remember if this is something I actually believed or if I just wanted to be with someone fresh, someone new.
It became very clear very early on that being single in high school was not in the cards for me. The first day of my freshman year I locked eyes with a boy two years my senior. "I must meet him," I told my friends. I didn't know anything about him—not that his name was Jake Giorgio, not that he drove a shiny red car without a single concern for speed limits, not that he did not have a single concern for any limits, and not that he would break my heart in a way I wasn't aware it was capable of breaking.
I met Jake formally at the Homecoming Dance, which, at the time, felt like the most important event in the world. At the time, I was having difficulty adjusting to high school—my group of friends had shifted, my father had recently moved out, and I was having difficulty in my classes, but when Jake asked me to slow dance, all of that faded away into oblivion. All that mattered was the way his arm felt draped around my waist. After the dance we began seeing each other daily, much to my mother's concern. She did not approve of her youngest child dating someone older and, somehow, her disapproval made our relationship seem more significant. I felt like we were part of some great love story—the two teenagers who had to sneak out in the middle of the night to steal kisses from one another.
Jake was the first person I fell in love with. His was the first body I got to know as well as my own. His was the first brain I got to know as well as my own. Everything that happened with Jake was incredibly intense; from our first passionate kiss in his shiny red car to our first passionate fight in his bedroom. Our relationship ended just as it began—fast. One moment we were lying in his bed, holding hands and sharing secrets. The next moment I was finding out that he cheated on me and sobbing my eyes out in the way that you can only after your very first heartbreak. I remember blaming myself for him cheating on me. I felt that had I been prettier or smarter or funnier than he would not have felt the necessity to stick his tongue down the throat of another girl. It would take years for me to realize that his actions were a result of something within him, not anything having to do with me. There is that idiom about how it's "better to have loved and to have lost than never to have loved at all" and, while I generally agree with the idea that it's better to feel pain than no emotion; it's better to have heartbreak than complete numbness, I often wonder if my life and my views on relationships would be better had I not fallen so deeply in love with this boy who had a penchant for getting high in his attic alone (this made we want to save him) and ignoring me (this made me want to be better for him). Perhaps I would not be so dependent on having a romantic relationship in my life had my first serious one not been so complex, but, alas, it was and, alas, I am.
The Digital World Of Cheating: Facebook, Gchat, Texting, Sexting - Part 3
If there's no evidence of a physical relationship, is he still cheating?
Even if you didn't find dirty e-mails and receipts of hotel rooms, that doesn't mean it's not cheating. There are two forms of cheating: physical and emotional.
"Cheating is not just having sexual intercourse with a person who is not your partner in, what is supposedly, an exclusive relationship," Lieberman says.
"It can include emotional cheating, which is having fantasies of wanting to be with someone else or flirting with someone else in the hopes that they will begin to flirt with you so that you can claim that it was their fault. Even engaging in sexual activities that don't include intercourse can be considered cheating."
In the survey, 58 percent of collegiettes™ said if their significant other was texting/Facebooking someone else secretively, they would consider it to be cheating.
And Dr. Lieberman agreed.
"If your significant partner is 'secretively' texting, Facebooking, or doing anything with a woman who they have some sexual interest in, it is cheating. The key word is 'secretively' because this implies a betrayal of trust, which is a form of cheating, even if they have never met in person," she said.
One collegiette™ said she's been on the other side of digital cheating, as in, the other woman.
"I was the girl who a guy was constantly texting even though he had a girlfriend," said *Catherine, a junior at Depaul University. "He never told her about it. It's emotional cheating. And it may or may not turn physical. In my case with this guy, it didn't ever turn physical, but his girlfriend and a lot of other people thought we did more than talk. He would text me flirtatious things and he told me on several occasions that he could see us dating, and this was when he still had a girlfriend. Most of this happened via text message, but we'd meet up and talk in person sometimes too."
A Guy's Perspective
But according to real-life college men, rather than snooping they suggest that you talk to your boy about your mounting suspicions first.
"If there's something you want to know, you should just come out and ask it. Snooping around will only cause more suspicion from whoever you're snooping on. If they're hiding something it will come out anyways," said Brad*, a recently graduated senior at Iowa State University.
But when asked if he would feel betrayed or hurt if his girlfriend snooped around his digital world, he said no.
"I don't really have anything to hide in there, so it's not that. It just makes me feel like she's got questions she's just not asking," Brad* said.
Another college guy, Dereck* at Cornell University, also said he would advise not to snoop.
"I would suggest not to snoop because it will just create unnecessary problems in your relationship," he said. "However, if you have one-hundred percent proof of cheating then maybe it would be okay."
A Hopeful Future
Even though 65 percent of the surveyed collegiettes™ admitted to snooping, the remaining percent assured us that when you're in the right relationship, the act of snooping will be out of the question.
"With my current boyfriend of almost three years, I've never felt the need to snoop through his Facebook, e-mail or phone. When he leaves his Facebook logged in at my place, I automatically just log him out. With my ex, I wouldn't have been able to help myself. With my current boyfriend, I trust him completely and know that he has nothing to hide," said Chrissy at Penn State University.
What it all comes down to is the line you and your significant other draw between what is and what is not acceptable. What most collegiettes™ and Dr. Lieberman agreed on though is that if he's hiding something from you, it should be something to be concerned about. And if you have a feeling that you need to snoop, that too, should be a red flag in your relationship.
What do you think, collegiettes™? Share your snooping stories below.
Sources:
Dr. Carole Lieberman, author of Bad Girls: Why We Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets.
Anonymous college students
The Digital World Of Cheating: Facebook, Gchat, Texting, Sexting - Part 2
The Bad & The Ugly
"I found him cheating on me. I admitted that I felt awful for having snooped, but it was mounting suspicion that led me to do so and I'm glad I did because it opened a whole can of worms." — Katie, junior, Boston College
"When I felt the urge to snoop through my ex's Facebook, that should have been a red flag right there. If a girl feels the need to snoop, the relationship is already in trouble. I snooped and found that my ex was not only flirting with other girls, but also cheating on me with them. I broke up with him but never told him how I found out about the cheating. I guess I didn't feel like I owed him anything after that." — Chrissy*, junior, Penn State University
"His e-mails were dirty messages back and forth with two different girls, both of which I knew, and hotel receipts for the nights I couldn't get a hold of him," — Alex*, senior, Florida State University
"I didn't want him to get mad or think I was a creep [for snooping]. I never told him, but it turns out I had a good reason for snooping and he completely deserved it." — Brittany*, junior, Iowa State University
"I found out my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me when he became Facebook friends with his crazy ex. I then got really paranoid and told him I was worried. He gave me the passwords to all his online stuff to reassure me. I hated being one of those girls. But then after he removed his ex as a friend — and they became friends again on Facebook! I got too paranoid and checked his messages on Facebook. I found a love letter and a sex letter between him and his ex, written hours after I'd left his house after a break from school (we were in a long distance relationship). Needless to say I was horrified and we broke up immediately. I don't ever want to be in a position again where I suspect someone is cheating on me and have to have things like their passwords to pacify me. Even if he hadn't been also hooking up with her (the first love letter implied they weren't hooking up but he wanted to be) I would consider it cheating that a guy is sitting down and writing a love Facebook message to another girl." — Jessica*, senior, Duke University
So, is it okay to snoop?
We are left with several stories that begin with a similar motive but end in two different ways. For the bad and the ugly stories, if it weren't for technology these girls may have never known their boyfriend was a cheater. It's a risk you take when you snoop, but according to Dr. Carole Lieberman, author of Bad Girls: Why We Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets, snooping is a forgivable sin.
"These days, when cheating is so prevalent and technology is so tempting, snooping is a forgivable crime," Lieberman says. "If a guy doesn't want his girlfriend to find out what he's been doing wrong, he shouldn't put the evidence on the Internet."
But Lieberman also advises that women need to be careful not to overreact. Since you've looked through his digital world without his knowing, it's important to hear him out first before making accusations.
"Some of these texts, e-mails, Facebook photos, etcetera are not as incriminating as they might seem. You need to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and a chance to explain," she says. "On the other hand, if you confront your guy and he gets mad at you for snooping, instead of trying to allay your fears, this is likely the rants of a guilty man trying to turn the tables on you."
How To Confront Your Man After Snooping
It's best to discuss your suspicious findings with him first before you start making accusations. Unless it's completely obvious that he's been cheating on you, you should give him the benefit of the doubt and listen to him.
Dr. Lieberman says:
- Ask him calmly. Even though you might be feeling extremely upset, take a few breaths and ask in an understanding tone. Dr. Lieberman says after doing something "sweet" for him, something as simple as a compliment, look at him sheepishly and say:
- "I'm a little embarrassed to tell you this, but I came across something that I don't understand. I really care about you, so I don't want to misinterpret it, but it has me a little confused. Could you explain what this means?"
- Don't wait. The more you jump to conclusions and create stories in your head, the more likely his response to the situation will be defensive. Plus, why would you want to live with all that built-up stress and anxiety?
- "If you come at him with guns blazing, he'll just say something impulsively to protect himself because he's scared. But, if you hold back and give him a chance to explain, he might be able to provide a rational explanation," Lieberman said.
- Listen to his side. If he's being honest with you he will own up to it and offer an explanation.
The Digital World Of Cheating: Facebook, Gchat, Texting, Sexting - Part 1
Here's a situation we can all relate to: you and your friends are out on the town for the night and a guy approaches you. You're flirting and chatting and you even end the night with a little bit of making-out-on-the-dance-floor action. You're totally smitten with this guy.
Later that week as you're walking to class (and thinking about him), you receive an alert on your iPhone or Blackberry from Facebook: the guy from last weekend wants to be friends.
It's an exciting, yet, potentially dangerous exchange.
At first, it's how you two begin to communicate. Every time you heard that bing-sound from Facebook chat you'd instantly hope it was him — and it usually was!
But fast forward the seven months you've been dating and here's your daily routine:
You wake up, check your e-mail, eat a banana, read Her Campus, check your Facebook and read on your newsfeed that Suzie Shmoo wrote on your boyfriend's wall at 10:32 p.m. last night.
"Suzie Shmoo. Who's Suzie Shmoo?" You think to yourself.
Your curiosity eats away at you, and after he leaves himself signed into Facebook on your computer, you snoop. And there's an entire message thread between your boyfriend and Suzie Shmoo.
"I'm really excited to watch The Social Network with you this Thursday night," she wrote in the Facebook thread. "Do you like red wine or white wine better?"
You're infuriated! He just told you tonight that he was going to a concert with his best friend Johnny on Thursday night, so you confront him. He's angry you snooped. You're angry he lied to you and has plans with Suzie Shmoo.
And you two break up.
Sound familiar? If so, you're not alone. And if this or a similar situation hasn't happened to you personally, Her Campus is here to help you if it ever does— or you can just read on to justify your own past snoop-like behavior.
We've heard the stories of over 65 collegiettes™ and talked to a relationship expert to find out if it's okay to go through your boyfriend's digital world, how to confront him about it if you don't like what you see, and how to recognize whether or not he's cheating. We also talked to college guys about their thoughts on digital cheating.
Read on!
A Snooper's Tale
Snooping. It's controversial and raises many questions. Are you being dishonest by going through his e-mail without him knowing? Does that make you just as "bad" of a person as he is if he has been doing something behind your back? Shouldn't there be privacy in a relationship? I say this because I've been a snooper who has had these exact same thoughts.
There were a couple of times in a past relationship when I went through my boy's phone and Facebook. Why? I was curious and in our long-distance relationship I couldn't help but feel insecure at times. Did I like what I saw? I guess. There was no Suzie Shmoo-business going on, but he was texting a girl he used to hook-up with before we started dating.
While it was "harmless," it bothered me that he was texting her behind my back. It also bothered him that I went through his phone without him knowing.
51 out of the 65 surveyed collegiettes™ admitted that at one time or another they've snooped. The most common snoop? Going through his cell phone. The second? Facebook.
Were these collegiettes™ happy with what they found? 20 said "yes" and 32 said "no."
Here are their tales: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
The Good
"Actually, at the time I suspected he was cheating and confronted him about it. He let me go through everything on his Facebook, granted he probably deleted things, but it ended up not being that big of a deal in the end." — Sarah*, sophomore, Arizona State University
"I chose to tell him [that I snooped] because it did kind of bother me. It was harmless, but he spends a bit too much time on his on-line gaming and that's what's irritating. I wanted to see what he was doing that was taking so much of his time." — Andrea*, senior, Western Michigan University graduate
"He was in the room with me at the time and when I did look around we merely laughed at all the posts as he told me about each one," — Mary*, junior, Michigan State University
How to Stay Safe While Dating Abroad
Imagine this: you're in a bar, and a stunning Italian man walks over to you smiling. He reaches for your hand and nods in the direction of the dance floor. You're not up for dancing or leaving your friends, and kindly say "no, thank you" in your sweetest voice. He doesn't speak English, but says something in Italian insisting that you join him. Immediately you feel uncomfortable but aren't sure how to tell him no. After all, the only phrase you picked up in your Italian class was, "gelatoal cioccolatoper favore" (chocolate gelato, please).
With Love Abroad 101: The Rules of Dating Foreign Guys we gave you a few tips and tricks for attracting European guys. But, before that hookup gets you hooked into an uncomfortable situation, remember these rules for playing it safe, because whether you're turning down a drink, or asking how old he is, you want to get your message across correctly and safely.
Personal safety expert and coach, and President of Project Safe Girls, Anny Jacoby, helps us break it down by scenario.
If he buys you a drink…
And you accept it, he might think he gets to "spend the night" with you.
Elizabeth Wagmeister, HC Campus Correspondent at the University of California at Santa Barbara, was studying abroad in Barcelona when she learned of this foreign custom.
"A German man (probably around 25 years old) came up to me at the bar and bought me a drink. I didn't think much of it so I accepted the drink, and was just talking to him with my friends for a bit," she says. "Then he told me (straight to my face) 'I want to sleep with you tonight.'"
She ignored his comment, set the drink down, and moved to the other side of the bar. But the guy was persistent. He followed her and continued to insist they sleep together - not something that would normally pass as acceptable in the United States. Realizing he wasn't giving up, Elizabeth gathered up her friends and left the bar.
As much as we would like to get a free drink, to keep from getting in any awkward situations, Jacoby says, turn down a drink offer before he buys you one.
"We are always afraid we are going to hurt [guys'] feelings," she says. "But if you're not interested, just cut it off at the chase."
If it's too late, firmly tell him you don't want the drink, or to sleep with him. If he becomes clingy, or continues to follow you around the bar, like in Elizabeth's situation, collect your friends, and head someplace else. You can also tell security or the bartender that the person makes you feel uncomfortable (in Italian: scomodo, in German: unbequem, in Spanish: incómodo). Ask to be escorted out to be sure he doesn't follow you.
If you hookup…
Forget the idea of the old casual hookup from back home. In Europe, if you hook up with the same guy more than a few times, this may mean you're 'dating'. Don't be surprised if he expects to meet up the following few nights after hooking up at a club or bar, or acts as if you're already dating.
Dating, or the American idea of it, consists of meeting, going out to a restaurant or movie, and then ultimately making it official. This, 26-year-old Declan of Ireland says, rarely exists in Ireland. It's often much more casual. Things don't usually become 'official,' but if a girl shows any interest in a guy, it may be understood that they are together.
"Guys go out with their friends, inevitably, to the pub and try to 'score' as the saying goes," Declan says, "If that happens on, say, more than three times, you're dating."
The guy may be in the mindset that you're dating while you're thinking, "great hookup last night." Keep in mind that he could become upset, or not understand why you're dancing with or hooking up with another guy the following night. You would feel the same if your 2-month long hookup-buddy suddenly moved on to another girl without saying anything to you first!
Beware of this if you're not looking for anything serious, but want to hang out with a guy regularly. Make sure you're both on the same page about the relationship, and where it is headed. The best way to do that: use your translation dictionary. Learn the words for "relationship", "date", and "meet up". When the German guy calls you "freundin"know this means girlfriend, and not friend.
If you go on a date…
Always do lunch.
To European men, Elizabeth says, "dinner dates can often imply that you want to 'spend the night with him' as well."
As mentioned above, dating is often more casual in terms out of making things official. An invitation for dinner may be a "would you like to date?" in disguise.
To avoid this, suggest a restaurant or pub close to where you live, and have a friend tag along.
"Never go from point A to point B alone," says Jacoby.
Grabbing a coffee, rather than going out to dinner, also keeps things a bit more low-key.
Youth hostels are convenient for their inexpensive prices and their provided food, which beats the excessive cost of renting a hotel room. Think of a hostel like a freshman dorm: common bathrooms in the hall, meeting random groups of people to go out with at night, and possibly ending the night with something very similar to dormcest.
"Everyone staying there is a student, young, and if they are there traveling in the first place, one might gather they are not tied down," Macey Hall, HC Campus Correspondent from the University of Maine says. "Every hostel I stayed in, my friends and I met guys, went out to bars and clubs with them, and some people inevitably ended up in the same beds."
Hostels, like dorms, are convenient for hooking up since everyone is in the same building. As you would in any situation, discuss with your roommates and make a group decision whether it is ok to bring guys back before you head out that night.
"Always be on the same page," Jacoby says. "And make locking doors a habit."
If a guy gets too pushy when you return to the hostel after a trip to the bars, find, or call security immediately, Jacoby says.
A good idea for any night, Jacoby suggests, is to have one or two people in your group of friends remain sober every night.
"If there's ever a problem, one could be calling security, and the other can help deal with the situation."
When staying in a hostel, make sure you know the number for the front desk, or security office, where the exits, stairs, and elevators are on your floor, and the basic rules concerning their overnight guest policy.
Just as you would in any situation back home, know your boundaries when it comes to guys. Stick with a group of friends, and keep your wits about you even while chatting with the most charming Brit. "Of course there's the excitement of being in another country, and experiencing the culture," Jacoby says, "but putting yourself in jeopardy is not worth it."
Jacoby's stay-safe tips for wherever you are:
- Use the buddy system: Never go out at night alone, and even bring a girlfriend on a trip to the bathroom.
- Look out for each other: Make sure everyone has an ID and cell phone before heading out. Have someone assigned to watch the drinks or purses if you want to dance, or go to the bathroom. Trade off throughout the night.
- Be aware of your surroundings: Know where you are and who's around you.
- Listen to your gut feeling: "Your intuition is your best friend. Listen to it, embrace it," Jacoby says.
- Know your exit route: Check for exits as soon as you get into a club or pub. Know how to get out if you have to.
- In the "worst-case scenario": Bring attention to the situation, and escape as quickly as possible—what Jacoby calls the Stun and Run.
- Always have a cell phone with you: Check emergency numbers for your area, and any hotel or hostel you stay in. 112 is the European emergency number, reachable from any phone, free of charge.
Sources:
Anny Jacoby, personal safety expert and coach, President of Project Safe Girls
Declan, 26, Ireland, studying at Syracuse University
Elizabeth Wagmeister, Campus Correspondent, University of California at Santa Barbara
Macey Hall, Campus Correspondent, University of Maine
Having "The Talk": How to Handle the Most Difficult Relationship Conversations
We need to talk. Four tiny and inconspicuous words, but when paired together they produce such a powerful and nerve-inducing sentence. The mere thought of hearing or saying them while in a relationship makes most of us want to run and hide under the covers –indefinitely. But ladies, lest you've forgotten, let us remind you: having "the talk" doesn't need to be so scary. With the help of Kim Olver, author of Secrets of Happy Couples, and Cassidy Brettler, one of HC's Real Live College Girls, we found out how to tackle five of the most difficult relationship discussions.
So, let's talk about talking, shall we?
The "Are We Exclusive?" Talk
In high school, my cousin and the guy she liked were driving home from school. He placed his hand in hers atop the middle glove compartment and a few minutes passed before he nervously uttered, "So, does this mean we're going out?" Needless to say, there are better ways to approach this intimidating topic.
What to Say: Cassidy suggests saying, "So, we've been hanging out a lot and I was just wondering what you think we are?" Or if you aren't wishing to be quite so direct, lead with, "What do you refer to me as when you talk to your friends about me?"
How to Deal: "If he says he isn't ready for exclusivity, that's alright. You then need to decide whether you want to wait for him to get ready, if he ever does, or move on to someone who would be more willing to give you what you want." Olver says. "If it's the guy you want, not just the idea of exclusivity, you may want to compromise by giving yourself a time limit and sticking to it. But, don't give him an ultimatum. Giving him a deadline often has the opposite effect you intend."
We Had the Talk …and we were totally on the same page, says Krista from Simmons College. "When my boyfriend and I decided to have the exclusivity talk it went really smoothly because we both were like, 'I like you and I'm not hooking up with other people. Let's just be together.' Not putting so much pressure on it made it so much easier and not awkward at all."
The "I Love You" Talk
You've been the first to say it to your parents, your friends, your dog, the random Starbucks barista on a particularly caffeine-necessary morning, yet you'd probably rather write a 20-page paper than be the first person to say I love you in a relationship. Rather than ignore the thought and wait until he says those three little words, take the plunge and let him know how you feel.
What to Say: After sharing with your guy that you love him, Cassidy suggests saying, "You don't have to say anything back. Really, it's fine. Just know that I love you!"
How to Deal: "Do not make your happiness contingent on him loving you back," says Olver. "Ask yourself the question, 'Am I saying I love him because I want him to know how I feel, or am I saying I love him because I want him to tell me he loves me too?' Saying you love him should be something you are doing for you because you want him to know how you feel. If you're saying it for a return response, you may be disappointed."
The "I Need Space" or "I Want to Break Up" Talk
Despite the fact you're asking for time away from your boyfriend, whether temporary or permanent, ending the relationship in a caring and respectable manner is important. On the other hand, if your relationship is in the process of ending on a not-so-nice note (think never wanting to talk to him again, throwing darts at his picture, ripping every memory of him to shreds), well, you can skip on down to the next talk.
What to Say: Cassidy suggests being completely honest and saying, "I've been having a lot of fun with you, but right now (insert reason here: I need time for myself, we should just be friends, I don't have time for a relationship, etc.)."
How to Deal: "If you are through with your relationship, it is kinder to be direct," says Olver. "Don't drag things out until he gets so frustrated, he dumps you! However, if you really do want some time to think, tell him that. Let him know what you are thinking about and how much time you may need. If this is someone you ever cared about don't string him along or send mixed signals. Free him to pursue other interests."
The "I'm Mad at You" Talk
After the initial honeymoon stage of your relationship wears off, a fight every now and then is inevitable. While you may be angry at something your guy did, kicking, screaming and breaking out into World War III will get you nothing but a noise complaint. Though your hopes and dreams of a fight-free relationship are being shattered, remember arguments are normal and, even more importantly, necessary.
What to Say: Cassidy suggests bringing it up by saying, "I don't want to make this a big deal, but something's been bugging me and I just wanted to talk to you about it before it turns into a bigger issue."
How to Deal: "Understand that your guy may have a totally different perception of the issue than you do. Approach the conversation with curiosity and an attempt to figure out where each other is coming from." Olver says. "Seek a solution that can work for both of you after each of you has heard the other person's point of view. There is no room for judgments or criticisms here; you are simply trying to understand each other and create a win/win/win solution where you win, he wins and your relationship grows stronger through the process."
The "I Did Something Wrong" Talk
It's never easy to fess up to doing something wrong. Whether small, like ripping his favorite sweater while rocking the "boyfriend" look, or large, like kissing another guy at a party, starting a conversation that you know probably won't end well can be next to impossible. Before you decide to overlook the entire incident and hope your boyfriend will never find out, think again. These things have a way of making themselves known sooner or later.
What to Say: Keeping the Band-Aid effect in mind (do it quickly and get it over with), Cassidy suggests saying, "I need to talk to you about something. But, before I do I just want you to know that I didn't mean to hurt you and it won't happen again, ok?"
How to Deal: "Be ready to face the consequences and remember that guys tend to process things internally," Olver says. He might be mad and not want to talk to you for a while so give him the space he needs to work it out. Once a few days have passed, if it takes that long, contact him to see where your relationship stands and respect his answer."
We Had the Talk…and it was a disaster, says Katrina*. "The talk was all my fault, which led to a blow up and a break up. It was a disaster and we both still love each other but we hurt each other very badly and don't know how to talk to one another about it effectively."
Three Things to Keep In Mind While Having Your Talk
Pick the Right Place
When approaching touchy subjects, be sure to do so in a private and quiet place where both you and your guy will feel comfortable. Yes, you may be royally pissed off at your boyfriend for checking out your best friend's butt two minutes ago at a party, but leave the situation alone until you leave.
Use Your Inside Voice
Unfortunately, many of us think if we yell, our point will be better understood. This is one hundred percent not true. If the conversation begins to get particularly heated, take a big breath, count to three and restart in a calmer voice.
Have a Goal in Mind
Much as you try to prepare for these conversations, they'll likely not go off exactly as planned. Nerves, special circumstances, and offbeat responses from your guy can throw a wrench in the conversation you'd perfectly scripted in your head. That being said, remember what you wanted to discuss going into the talk and try not to deviate too much from that topic.
So, It seems as if having a "talk" isn't as scary when you prepare yourself for the before, during, and after. We polled real college girls to see which of these conversations they'd be most nervous to have and here is what they said.
Which "talk" makes you the most nervous?
Sources:
*Names have been changed.
Kim Olver, lifestyle coach and author
Cassidy Quinn Brettler, Her Campus Real Live College Girl
Anonymous College Girls
Show This to Your Guys: What Girls REALLY Want
We all know exactly what we look for in our significant others. Some girls, like Snooki, even have lists of specific qualities they look for in a guy. We may not all be looking for gorilla-juicehead guidos, but we know what we like: great smile, six-pack, well dressed… oh, and polite, straightforward, and capable of holding an intelligent conversation! That's not too much to ask, right? Of course not! The real problem is that although we know what we're looking for, guys don't always know what it takes to win our affection and be worthy of our time. And as you know, no girl should be with someone unworthy of her time. So boys, listen up while I lay it down. What we want is really quite simple; you just need to remember a few things:
- Don't fart and laugh about it. I am not your bro.
- Drowning yourself in cologne is not equivalent to a shower.
- Your mother spent about ten years telling you to chew with your mouth shut – don't let her nagging go to waste.
- No, I don't want to sit and watch while you play video games with your friends. At least offer me a controller!
- Pull up your pants. Please?
- Don't make any jokes about women and kitchens. If you do, I definitely won't be making you a sandwich.
- Make a move, but not too many moves.
- Don't ever drop the F-bomb in front of my parents. Even if they do it first.
- Quoting "South Park" at every possible opportunity does not qualify as a sense of humor.
- Please don't make your Facebook profile picture a cartoon. I don't want my friends to think I'm in a relationship with a Dragon Ball Z character.
- Fine, keep your World of Warcraft account, just talk about something else over dinner.
- Offer to pay for us sometimes, even if it's just for our coffee from Dunkin' Donuts.
- Let us pay for things sometimes. Feminism can be fun for everyone!
- Yeah, players are gonna play, but players are also going to be generally disliked by most women.
- Ask me about ME! Why do so many men not get this?!
- If you spend more time on your hair than I do, odds are we will not be living happily ever after.
- Unless your first name is Pauly and your last name is D, stay away from the tanning salon.
- The lacrosse pinney belongs on the lacrosse field, not in a bar on a Saturday night.
- Whenever possible, avoid being a douchebag, an idiot, and a drama queen.
- Be a part-time lover and a full-time friend.
In all seriousness, being Mr. Right is all about finding Miss Right, the person who has the same weird quirks as you and laughs at the same stupid jokes. But being polite, hygienic, happy, and socially capable are the main building blocks to any sort of attraction. So take off that dirty t-shirt, practice your smile and a few jokes, and then go out into the dating world and prosper.
Real Live College Guy Joey: To-The-Point Answers to 4 New Questions About Texts, Sweaty Palms & FWBs
-Interested at Iowa
There are two simple guidelines when distinguishing between a "DTF" text and an "I'm interested in more than a low-down roll in the hay" message. Primarily, keep a lookout for the timing of said text messages. Men looking for a quick lay are likely to time those concise, brief, innuendo-laden texts for late at night. Secondly, as aforementioned, texts from guys looking solely for a "hook-up" will keep their messages brief and to the point. Some little gems can go the way of "Hey, wat r u up 2 l8r 2night?" (Unless they're writing majors…) or "We shud chill wen we're bak on campus." If any guy is going along the opposite route, a la texts/phone calls while Edward Cullen is fast asleep in bed (daytime) and seems genuinely interested in your day-to-day activities, rest assured that he wants more than a quick lay. As far as non-textual ways to spot guys solely interested in a hookup, be wary of any random acquaintance you encounter at weekend parties. If you meet someone you're genuinely interested in, avoid going home with him at the end of the night. Rather, give him your number and use the tried-and-true, "I'm really tired" excuse to see him during daylight hours instead.
-Just wanna have fun at James Madison
For the commitment-wary coed, or the just-too-busy-to-commit lass like yourself, a friendship with all the benefits of a relationship (or, FWB) is usually a free and easy way to get by during the stress of these college years we've found ourselves in. Take a cue from Miss Nat Portman's mistake in No Strings Attached (solid movie, she makes douche-lord Kutcher LIKEABLE) though, and avoid too many rules or logistics. A friends-with-benefits type of deal shouldn't be stressful. Honesty and clarity is key in this type of a scenario. You're clearly no whimpering recluse, so be upfront with any guy lucky enough to score this arrangement. Make it clear what you want out of the pseudo-relationship and things should move along swimmingly, regardless of what the PTA-run Hollywood machine has decided to tell us (Every single FWB movie ends up with… blegh, emotions). Lay your cards on the table; open dialogue isn't your enemy. Your (justified) concern of looking slightly slut-o-saurus should be assuaged by sheer honesty. By explaining that the addition of a relationship to your school and social commitments just isn't a possibility in your current situation, you could never be faulted for being "slutty."
3. My birth control costs $40 a month and as a poor college kid, it's getting really expensive to keep up with. Is it reasonable to ask my boyfriend to contribute some money to help pay for it? I'm already taking on the responsibility of having safe sex-should I have to shoulder the financial responsibility myself too?
-Broke at BU
Typically, girls are responsible for birth control while guys deal with the purchase of condoms. Typical, but certainly not absolutely. Your own personal carnal escapades notwithstanding, Broke at BU, if you're being as safe as possible (the magic pill AND condoms) then I don't see why your dude should have to pay some of your sexual expenses. However, if you're relying on birth control only… It isn't entirely out of the realm of possibility that he should have to pay some of the monthly allotment. I know that I'm being evasive, but a question like this isn't an umbrella-type of deal. Relationship dynamics are different for every couple, so while someone like ME may not find it ridiculous to pay some of your birth control pills (if their use is benefiting MY sexual pleasure, i.e., no condom), some guys may find it ludicrous. Approach this conversation like any other that you would while in a committed, (fingers-crossed) monogamous relationship. If you're not virgin to this column (I use the term loosely) then you'll know how fond I am of bullsh*t-free relationships. While I wouldn't suggest a "Listen dude, ante-up or the shop's closed" kind of deal, I'd wholeheartedly endorse a "Since we've forgone condoms in lieu of better sex, what are your thoughts on…"
4. I've had this genetic problem since I was young that makes my hands and feet sweat profusely. I know it's somewhat common, but it's always really embarrassing when a guy tries to hold my hand. I'm about to go on a third date with this guy and am wondering if I should address the sweaty elephant in the room or just hold his hand like nothing's wrong. Thoughts?
-Sweaty in Seattle
This certainly isn't an isolated incident. You're right! It's entirely common. A fool-proof way to prevent too much drippage is to do what I refer to as the casual-palm-over-the-pant/skirt/what-have-you before lacing those little fingers with your better half. If, however, the sweating persists (which is what I glean from your question) then be upfront. If the guy's a decent enough fellow he won't care that your palms and feet "sweat profusely." He may be hesitant to play slip and slide with you… But I don't foresee any guy being totally turned off or disgusted by something completely out of your control. If you find yourself strolling along some moonlit path one evening, don't broach the topic unnecessarily, wait until Prince Charming oh-so-casually reaches for your hand and proceed to laugh it off. A simple "my hands just get so damn sweaty, sometimes!" will suffice. It is far less serious a concern than you make it out to be.
College Web of Hookups
How to Avoid Spending Too Much Time With Your Boyfriend - Part 2
How to Avoid Spending Too Much Time With Your Boyfriend - Part 1
As a single girl throughout most of my college years, I've watched friends lose themselves in a new relationship. I was always there for them after it ended (or after the honeymoon stage wore off) but I was also constantly telling myself I would never be like that. Confession: I have become that girl. At least I sort of have. A couple of weeks ago, I missed two class assignments in a row because I was out with my new man. Those angry dash marks where my grades should've been made me reevaluate my time. And after talking with a few collegiettes™, I come to you with advice on how to avoid becoming me, err, that girl who spends all her time with her boyfriend.
1. Make time for your friends
It's likely that there was a period in the beginning of your college life when you were inseparable from your new friends. But once you start a new relationship, it's tempting to spend all of your free time with your boyfriend instead of them. They may understand initially, but making this a habit will probably anger them and sever that once unbreakable bond. Do not depend on random "wanna chill?" texts because it will fail you. Irene S. Levine, author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Break-Up With Your Best Friend, says "It's natural that two people would want to focus on each other early on in a romantic relationship. Yet women need to keep in mind that it's healthy to maintain female friendships too. They need to make sure that they set aside time for girlfriends so that you can keep up these relationships."
Levine recommends planning girls' night out or becoming workout buddies to ensure that you won't loose touch. This has worked for Northwestern University junior Sara*, who is familiar with this dilemma. "My really good friend is in a serious relationship with her boyfriend, but none of my friends ever saw her fall quarter, and we all got pretty upset with her," says Sara. "Now, we all try to plan a monthly 'girls brunch' during the weekend to catch up. While she still is obsessed with her boyfriend, we are no longer obsessed with trying to get her attention, and everyone seems to be happier."Maintaining plans is imperative if you want to keep your friendships.
2. Study with your boyfriend
Maintaining old friendships is important, but keeping up with your other activities is also essential in maintaining a healthy relationship. However, it's not as easy as it seems. So try combining the two. On nights that you'd love to see your boyfriend but have work that needs to be done, create a studying-friendly environment in your dorm (or at your apartment, depending on where you live) or walk to the library together. Studying at the same time allows you to bond without slacking on your work. Don't limit the multi-tasking to studying! Chances are you both have to grocery shop or make dinner. You'll be able to cross off your to-do list and see your beau.
3. Have other people hold you accountable
It's easy to tell when you need to choose work or old friends over your man, but convincing yourself to cancel plans with him can still be difficult. A roommate or friend, however, doesn't suffer from this emotional conflict. "I tell my mom to make sure I split my time equally. She will be blunt with me," says Nicole Lumbreras, HC Campus Correspondent and student at the University of Iowa. If you don't chat with your family every day, ask your roommate to look out for you. Someone who cares about you and talks with you on a daily basis can help keep you in check.
Real Live College Guy Joe: Cute Stuff to Do for a New Guy You're Dating
Ever wonder what guys think, how to deal with them, or whether instead of listening to you they just imagine you naked? Our Real Live College Guy Joe will answer all your questions about men and relationships with wit, clarity, grace, and physical attractiveness (can you tell he wrote this intro himself?) all while imagining you fully clothed! Well, usually – he is a college guy.
What are some cute things I could do to make this guy I just started dating smile? I don't want to freak him out obviously.
-Cutesy at Conn College
Guys appreciate cute things, contrary to popular belief. Especially cute things involving beer. But you don't want to be overcute. We have a threshold. Below is a list of Dos and Don'ts to help you make him smile without sending him into anaphylactic shock from cute overload. Print it. Study it. Magnet it to your fridge. It will take you far.
- Do forgo going out to a party to spend the night cuddling with him.
- Don't forgo going out to a party to spend the night cuddling with him and bring a keg and 75 of your closest friends.
- While walking together, Do kiss him on the cheek randomly. Guys secretly like these spontaneous outbursts of love.
- Don't cultivate a nervous twitch in which you scream the deeply personal reasons you love him in public settings.
- Do attend something he does, like a sports practice or a band gig.
- If he doesn't do extra-curriculars, probably Don't spend your time teaching him a skill so you can then attend one of his practices. Just go to a movie or something.
- Do bake him cookies on a night he's cramming for a midterm.
- The cookies may not work if you also have to study for a midterm. But Don't take only cooking classes this semester to account for this problem. Unless you really like him.
- Do plan a surprise trip, like a day at a nearby ski mountain. Blindfold him and don't take it off until you get there.
- Do or Don't yell and make a lot of crashing noises while he's blindfolded, and afterwards tell him you just protected him from a pack of hungry muggers. Up to you.
- Do leave a picture of yourself blowing a kiss as the background of his computer.
- Don't smear lipstick on his screen for added realism.
- Do leave a love note in his backpack.
- Don't write love notes over all the pages in his textbooks.
- Do knock on his door in the middle of the night wearing a raincoat with lingerie underneath.
- Don't knock on his door in the middle of the night wearing lingerie with a raincoat underneath.
- Do wait outside one of his classes so you'll be there when he comes out.
- Don't then demand to see his notes from class to make sure he's keeping up with his schoolwork.
- If you two share an inside joke, Do keep an eye out for knick-knacks and T-shirts relating to it. Sharing something like that strengthens relationships.
- Don't explain the joke to all his friends so they understand the shirt when he wears it.
- If there's some kind of book, toy, or gadget he's always wanted, Do everything in your power to find and purchase it.
- Don't just use it then tell him how great it was afterwards.
- Do call him one minute before his alarm goes off, so he can wake up to your voice.
- When he picks up the phone, Don't imitate the sound of his alarm clock as loud as you can.
Just follow your good sense. Texting him something like "thinking of you," is obviously a good idea, whereas stealing his phone and erasing all his contact numbers except for yours is obviously not. Whatever you do, be spontaneous, genuine, and not too crazy, and I'm sure he will love it.