Her Gay Best Friend: 21 Things to Do Before You're 21

But this time it's not about you. It's about me. You see,  

I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A MID-LIFE CRISIS.   

What's that you say? I'm too young for a mid-life crisis? Well, when a gay man reaches 40 he's basically dead anyway, so I beg to differ.

You see, I was set off earlier this morning when I was forced to come to terms with two painful realizations, each of which was more than enough to bring me face to face with my impending mortality.  

The first: Today, May 16, 2010, my only sibling, who burst forth from my mother's womb only 15 months before me, will be graduating college.  

The second: Tomorrow, May 17, 2010, I will reach one of the last guaranteed milestones of my life- my 21st birthday.  

Yes, these two things have left me in a state of anxious fragility. After 21, there are no more good birthdays- instead of fun, new privileges, each passing year just brings a feeling of shame and a slower metabolism. 
 
And with my brother going off into the real world, it's seems only a matter of time before I'll be joining him. And in the real world you have to pay taxes and you can't have sloppy drunk hookups every weekend without the words "desperate" and "alcoholism" being thrown around.    

And as if all that wasn't enough, my brother's graduation is totally stealing my birthday thunder.

You can see my problem. All of these things happening at once has forced me to think about the future, all of the things I'll have to do, and all the things I'll never be able to do again. 
 
So for those of you who have not yet reached this point, take heed. Life begins to change after 21. You have to be responsible. You have to be an adult. So make sure you take advantage of the time you have and do all of the things that, after 21, are either impossible, irresponsible, or just plain sad.  
 
Here's a short list to get you started.

1. Dress. Scantily. There's nothing sadder than a grown woman walking around in a pair of cutoffs and leopard tube top. Take advantage of your youth, when it's occasionally appropriate for you to show more skin than a Vegas showgirl.  

2. Drink. Legally. 19 years old and wishing you didn't have to scrounge for a decent fake? Sounds like it's aboot time you took a road trip to Toronto.

3. Eat. Everything. Remember that thing I said about your metabolism? Yeah. Enjoy French fries while you still can. 
 
4. Experiment with your hair. Apparently employers frown upon blue streaks and mohawks in the workplace. Personally, I just think they need to be more open-minded. 
 
5. Experiment with your identity. Because no one wants to see a 30-year-old going through a goth phase. 
 
6. Experiment with your sexuality. It's helpful to venture into adulthood knowing at least which gender(s) you're attracted to. Just saying. 
 
7. One Word: Sleepover. Haven't you always wanted to try that hand in warm water trick? Haven't you? 
 
8. Two Words: Food Fight. Say what you will about the starving children, but there's no greater thrill than smashing a twinkie into someone's face. Or down their pants for that matter. 
 
9. Three Words: Spin the Bottle. Some restrictions on what's in the bottle, of course. 
 
10. Throw a party. If you get caught throwing a kegger with Mom and Dad out for the weekend, you can't explain it away as a youthful indiscretion when your youth has long since past. 

11. Throw a tantrum. Hell, it's your party and you'll cry if you want to.  

12. Throw a punch. After 21, bitch-slapping that girl who's been spreading those hermaphrodite rumors about will likely earn you an assault charge. But before 21, you can make sure she learns her lesson right.  

13. Hook up with a friend. Outside of a college campus, it's not that easy to make new friends every week. So if you've been wondering about your buddy's skills under the covers, you might as well give it a go now. If it screws up your friendship, you can always make a new friend tomorrow in lecture. 
 

14. Hook up with a freshman. If you're an upperclassman, their wide-eyed innocence is always a little appealing. But after a certain point, you're really just robbing the cradle.  

15. Hook up with a fraternity. To ease you out of your childhood, why not play a grown-up version of Pokemon? With around 100 brothers, it's never been more fun to catch 'em all.  

16. Make a difference. You should be able to look back at the first 21 years of your life and feel like they meant something. I mean, just look at me. When I look back at the past 21 years, I can't help but think of how I brought lame sex jokes to the lives of countless young women.  

17. Make a name for yourself. Get involved. Make sure that half of the campus knows who you are. By the time you're old enough to drink, they should have a drink named after you.   

18. Make a baby. Kidding. For the love of God I'm kidding. In fact, make a habit of not making a baby.  

19. Get a piercing. Make sure you have enough time to appreciate it before you have to take it out for job interviews and only have a sad, closed-up hole to remember it by.  

20. Get a really terrible tattoo. Sure, a tattoo will last you well into adulthood. But if you desperately want a butterfly riding a unicorn branded into your back, it's easier to justify it if you got it when you were young and didn't know any better.  

21. Get a clue. Yes, before you make it to senior year, it might actually help for you to have some idea of what you want to do after college. Maybe be looking at some grad programs. Hopefully have a major picked out. No pressure though.

If you haven't done a substantial number of these, you should probably get started. In the meantime, I guess I'll just take this opportunity to congratulate my brother Jordan and the class of 2010.

Try not to end up poor.