Her Gay Best Friend: Flirting with Disaster

Being your friend is a job that comes with certain responsibilities and obligations.

For example, on a shopping trip, I know I'll have to stand next to you for an hour or so while you browse in Forever 21, even though they have no men's clothing and the mannequins remind me of evil, robot prostitutes. And I've accepted that I have to give you feedback on your outfit each day, even though you never listen to my opinions anyway and continue to wear leggings that clash with your skirt.

One of my most important duties as a friend, however, is to act as a sympathetic ear to your relationship troubles. When you've got boyfriend drama on your hands, it's my job to take those hands, scrub them 'til they're nice and clean, and then say, "How can he be so ridiculous? Come on. Let's go to a club and grind until you forget all about it."

But, as my former manager at Cold Stone knew all too well, I'm not always very good at doing my job. And while I know I'm expected to side with you in all of your relationship conflicts and tell you how jealous and emotionally immature your boyfriend is, there are certain situations when all I want to say is that he's, well, right.

Yes, there are many times when you feel that your boyfriend is simply insecure about your relationship when really it's your behavior that is causing the trouble. You say it's him that's being overprotective, him that's being paranoid, him that's being as spoiled and selfish as the seven-year-old child of a music producer.

Actually it's just you being a flirt.

That's right. A flirt. A tease. A blue-baller. Sometimes the way you interact with men suggests that you crave attention from the opposite sex like Lindsay Lohan craves a strong authority figure that will finally tell her "no." 

You may not even realize you're doing it. But every giggle, wink, and touch you share with another man reminds your boyfriend of all the giggles, winks, and touches that you used to win him over. Granted, every word you exchange with another guy shouldn't send your boyfriend over the edge, but some things you might think are innocent may actually be giving your boyfriend--and the guy you're talking to--the wrong idea.

To help make it easier to tell harmless from harlot and avoid any future conflict, here's a guide to some flirtatious behaviors that might land you in some hot water with your man. 

The cute voice

I still haven't figured out why, but when a girl talks to a guy she likes, her voice immediately jumps up an octave or two into what I like to call "Hillary Duff range." I suppose it's a woman's subtle way of saying, "I'm adorable, lovable, and totally datable. Not like all those other bitches you've been talking to..."

So when you have a boyfriend and use that voice, the likely interpretation for the guy you're talking to is, "I'm adorable, lovable, and totally datable. My boyfriend certainly thinks so. What about you?"

You can see how this might cause a problem. Granted, this is all based on interpretation and implication, so your boyfriend really doesn't have that much concrete evidence to use against you.

Flirt Score: 2 
 

Going out to the movies/dinner

This is some murky territory because to you this could seem more inconsequential than Kendra Baskett announcing her candidacy for public office. Spending the night out with a good guy friend that you likely had before your relationship even started--where could the trouble be in that?

But just ask yourself the following questions:

Is this guy ugly?

Is this guy gay?

Is this guy a eunuch?

I see…and do you remember what happened the last time you went out to dinner with a good-looking straight guy who had full use of his penis? If I remember correctly, dinner was followed by some especially delicious dessert.

The dinner might be harmless, but don't be surprised if your boyfriend thinks otherwise. If your boyfriend knows the guy or has hung out with him a few times, there shouldn't be that big of a problem, but don't go to a fancy feast with some dude he's never met.  If you really want to play it safe, just cover all bases and make it a group outing.

For some reason, boyfriends never seem to worry about the possibility of an orgy.

Flirt Score: 5

Sexing yourself up for other guys

When you doll yourself up for a night out, I understand that it's more for you than for anyone else. You want to feel confident when you walk into a room, like you could strut right up to Heidi Klum and say, "I look way hotter than you. And by the way, I can totally see your stretch marks from all those Seal pups you've birthed."

Frankly, I applaud your brazen attitude. It's a rare woman these days who is willing to cross a supermodel (especially after what's happened to all the personal assistants who dared to cross Naomi Campbell).

But when you head out to a party or club without your boyfriend and you're a millimeter of fabric away from giving the room a show, that's less about your confidence and more about your yearning for the sweet sound of every man's jaw dropping to the floor.

If you're going out without your boyfriend, think about being a little more conservative in your dress. You don't have to wear a habit, but at least make sure both nipples are covered.

Flirt Score: 7

Dirty Dancing

If you go out to said party or club and you've managed to look attractive without testing the boundaries of your district's indecent exposure charges, don't give yourself a pat on the back just yet. Because while you're at the club, it is still very important that you, under no circumstances, never do the following:

Grind on another dude's junk.

I'm serious about this one. You may be a little cross with your man for staying in, but his absence is not a valid reason to find another man to get nasty with--or rather, to be grammatically correct, with whom to get nasty. When you have a boyfriend, no other male genitals are allowed to come into contact with your body.

Especially in a repetitive, gyrating motion.

Just dance with your girls for the time being. Your boyfriend would probably prefer that image anyway.

Flirt Score: 9

I know that sometimes in a relationship you feel the other person is just being unreasonable . But your man, despite his tough exterior, is a sensitive soul. And when his insecurities tell him that he might not be everything you're looking for, he'll latch onto your questionable behaviors and make something where you feel nothing exists.

So do him a favor. Cut down on your extra-curricular flirting. The only man you should be flirting with is yours.

And me of course. No matter how hard you grind on my junk, ain't nothing gonna happen.