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Real Live College Guy Joey: To-The-Point Answers to 4 New Questions About Foreplay, Flirty Friendships & Keggers
1. I have a guy friend here at school. We've known each other for a while but just became close this year. He texts me all the time, came to visit me over winter break (spent the night), met my parents, bonded with my brother, stops by my room frequently, we are flirty yet he has never made a move. What is going on here? Is he into me? I have a crush on him but I wish I could tell if he felt the same or if he sees me as just a friend. Help!
- Baffled at Bates
- Baffled at Bates
2. How can I attract guys at a keg party? I am one of those girls who is fun but doesn't look like a model.
– Flip-cupping at Florida State
The luck is yours then, Florida, because blessedly most women don't look like those airbrushed skeletons that magazines mean for you to aspire to. As far as attracting guys solely at keg parties…I'm a tad confused. I take it to mean you want male attention while at pseudo-archetypal college fiestas. If so, forget that there's anyone there you could be interested in. The best advice I've ever given someone was that guys really can sense when someone is desperate for a boyfriend or a relationship-of-sorts. Relax! Have fun with your friends and guys should come your way. Don't make yourself too obviously available. Having fun with friends should be your numero uno goal at "keg parties." Any benefits you reap from male attention should come secondary. Don't worry about not looking like a "model," and focus instead on having fun. Just by doing that you should gain the attention you desire. Guys aren't interested in girls that seem on the prowl for attention; however, don't expect an immediate crowd of men vying for your attention. The best thing to remember is that once you're comfortable with yourself, guys will be too.
3. I've been dating a guy for a while and we've both never had sex but we make out all the time. What does it mean when he gets on top of me? What should I do?
-Confused at Colgate
Quite the confusing question you pose, Colgate. To put it plainly—and a tad profanely—his getting on top of you can mean one of two (or both) things. If he's simply lying on top of you while you're macking, then he may just prefer being the one doing the controlling. Now, on the other hand, if he's clearly mimicking the act of sex, then your dude is down to get things moving. Try and see if you notice any rubbing… I'm going to end that train of thought. If he's mimicking the act of sex, then your guy is ready to take the leap, or at least getting ready. Now your next step, if you're both new to the act of fornication, is to address this idea with each other. Are you ready to take the plunge? Is he? Keeping in mind the horror of talking about sex rather than initiating the act, it's probably best to just bring up "the next phase" of your dating. By bringing up the next phase in your pseudo-relationship, the topic of sex should come up naturally.
4. Ok, so this guy and I had been hanging out since we moved to college in August. And we started dating sometime in November because he wanted to take the relationship slow since he'd been hurt in past relationships. Everything was great and the semester ended and we went home for semester break. When we came back something just wasn't right, so I asked if everything was ok and he said he wanted to move back to just being friends. Said I'm amazing and that he likes everything about me, but he realized he isn't ready for a relationship. Now I'm left feeling played and wondering what happened in those three weeks we were apart. What could have changed his mind?
-Single at Stanford
Girl Code: What's Ok & What's Not According to Collegiettes™
Your best friend's guy is off-limits. Or is he? Some girls wouldn't think twice about having anything to do with a friend's ex-boyfriend, but others manage to find "legal" loopholes and ways to justify doing it. Then there are the guys you just hooked up with – and while you know you have impeccable taste in men and can't really blame your girlfriends for wanting a piece of that action – you find it odd to discover that a friends of yours hooked up with the same guy as you. Is that okay?
Before you decide to trade in your friends for not following the Girl Code, maybe you should make sure you and they know what it is.
Ellie Scarborough, founder and queen bee of Pink Kisses, a website dedicated to helping girls recover from breakups, shares her answers on how to handle five common situations that come up between girlfriends and exes. Dan Lier from ASK Dan & Mike gives us a guy's perspective and explains how to deal with these delicate situations. And some of our (not-always-so-innocent) collegiettes™ weigh in.
Can you date a friend's ex-boyfriend?
Lier: You can do anything you want, but like all actions, there are consequences. Dating your friend's ex will change your relationship with her without a doubt. So, depending on how important your friend is to you, this might be something to consider. Generally speaking, it's not a good idea and you will most likely lose your friendship with the girl. If she is not the kind of person who is a true friend anyway, then go for it.
Jessica, University of Pittsburgh 2010 graduate: I was the girl who dated my friend's ex. Samantha and I weren't great friends to begin with, but we moved in the same circle and she was really good friends with my roommate. So when I started dating Samantha's ex, the entire group of friends divided—most of them sided with Samantha, including my roommate. It took about a year before Samantha finally re-friended me on Facebook (the modern-day equivalent to being on speaking terms again!), but I still don't think she's forgiven me to this day. I could have brought the situation up with her and found out if she was comfortable with it beforehand, but I probably would've dated him either way. They dated for six months. We dated for two years. They don't talk anymore. He and I talk every day.
Can you just hook up with a friend's ex-boyfriend?
Lier: This goes against the "Girl Code." You don't want to be known as someone who goes after friends' leftovers. That's cheap. Scavengerous. There are plenty of guys out there to hook up with and getting with a friend's ex-boyfriend not only breaks the "Girl-Code," it also makes a loud statement about who you are from a loyalty standpoint and how you see yourself. You don't need to hook up with your friend's ex-boyfriend.
Laura, New England liberal arts college sophomore: Two of my best friends are in a huge fight right now because Ashley hooked up with Sarah's ex. It happened once already last semester. Ashley promised Sarah it would never happen again. But two weeks ago, Ashley and Sarah's ex hooked up again, and now Ashley and Sarah aren't talking to each other. Even though Sarah has another boyfriend now and says she's completely over her ex, she's still mad at Ashley for breaking a promise.
Can you hook up with a friend's past hookup?
Plus, wondering if your hookup is thinking about past experiences with your friend while he's kissing you is not hot. So, can you hook up with a friend's past hookup? Probably. Should you? NO!
Lier: The only time it gets tricky is if your friend still has feelings for the guy—that could damage your relationship with your friend. If it was completely casual, absolutely.
Nicole, University of Iowa senior: This depends on the hookup. Personally, I don't want to have sex with someone a good friend of mine also had sex with. That's just weird. If my friend just made-out with him once, I think that's okay.
How to handle friends being friends with your exes
Lier: It all depends on the situation. There are too many potential situations to make a general statement on what a girl should do if her friends are hanging around with her exes. Yet, a good rule of thumb is communication is always key. For the best results, try to keep it to a non-emotional discussion.
Karen, Graceland University senior: I went to a party of one of my girlfriends, who happens to be friends with both of my exes. I took my fiancé along just to have someone to talk to in case she was drunk. She was. And then she pulled me into the other room to chat, leaving my fiancé in the main room talking to one of my exes. Then I ran into the other one and mistook him for someone else. Two exes, one party—one bad idea. It was awkward!
Can you stay friends with your guy friend's ex-girlfriend? Can you date him?
Scarborough: Dating the guy depends on how genuine your friendship has become with his ex. Sure, you knew him first, but if she's a good friend and you're a decent human being, you won't go after him, because friends don't prey on friends' breakups. If she's just an acquaintance and you've been friends with the guy for a lot longer than you've known her, choose wisely and know that if you end up kissing the guy, you can kiss your friendship with his ex goodbye.
Lier: You can date the guy. You were friends with him first. This would also depend on how "close" of friends you have become with the girl, yet we stay firm on the fact that you were friends with him first, so go for it.
Victoria, New York University junior: This situation has happened to me before, and in my case my good guy friend asked me to no longer speak to her. As his friend, I respected his wishes since she only hung out with us because of him. She would send me an occasional message over Facebook and that was it. I never went ahead and made plans to hang out with her. He is my friend, and she only was because of him. My loyalty stayed with him. In my situation, I would never date this particular guy friend, but I could see it turning into a bit of an awkward situation if I did.
Sources:
Dan Lier, relationship, sex and communication expert from ASK Dan & Mike
Ellie Scarborough, founder and queen bee of Pink Kisses, a website dedicated to breakup recovery
Jessica, University of Pittsburgh 2010 graduate
Karen, Graceland University 2011
Laura, New England liberal arts college 2013
Nicole, University of Iowa 2011
Victoria, New York University 2012
Getting "Unlucky": How to Deal with a Sub-Par Hookup
It isn't just the guys who want a good hookup. Collegiettes™ are looking to get lucky, too. But how many times can we actually consider a hookup "getting lucky"? Most of the time, especially if it's a first-time or random hookup, it's awkward, weird, and just not that good. Hate to break it to the dudes out there, but not everything you guys do is Meg Ryan-in-the-diner-scene-in-When Harry Met Sally-worthy. Wise Sarah, collegiette™ of Florida State, defines "getting lucky" as "sex. And it has to be good sex. Because if you get some and it sucks... well, that is getting 'unlucky'!" Unlucky, indeed. Think your hookup horror story is bad? These collegiettes™ give us the worst (and the weirdest):
"I was hooking up with a guy, and after a while I realized how horrible of an idea it was. I tried feeding him every line I could think of to make it stop. Finally, I told him a friend of mine had a crush on him, so I felt really bad and couldn't do 'this' anymore. He said these exact words: 'Let's just pretend no one else in the world exists right now.' It was such a horrible line I started laughing out loud. He got the hint after that and stopped." –Anna, Missouri State
"I had one guy ask me to scratch him so hard that he'd bleed, that would have to be weirdest and the strangest." –Krista, Simmons College
"I had sex drunk in my boyfriend's car and didn't realize how badly I was cutting my legs up while doing it. I had huge bleeding scrapes on both knees which turned into ugly scabs. I had to figure out an explanation of how this happened, not only to my parents, but to everyone at his grad party two days later." –CiCi, College of Media
"The guy started sucking on my toes....I was flattered that he would think so highly of them, but SERIOUSLY? I got up and left." –Mia, Quinnipiac University
"Once when I was hooking up with a guy at a high school dance (classy, I know), he stopped mid-kiss, looked me straight in the eye, and asked, 'Can I touch your tit?' I burst out laughing and ran away." –Emily, Hamilton College
"I was making out with this guy at his apartment for the first time, and he made the poor decision to take his shirt off. Any physical attraction I felt for him was immediately gone once I saw how unbelievably hairy his chest and arms were—MUCH hairier than any guy I have ever seen before. I did not even want to be pressed up against him while making out because of how grossed out I was by his hairy chest." –Jacqueline, Harvard University
"I stayed the night with a guy after having sex with him. The sex was good the first time, but I was woken up in the middle of the night by him trying to have sex with me again, while I was asleep! SO weird!!" –Brittany, Johns Hopkins University
Yikes! So when you know a hookup is not going well (see above for examples), how do you get out of it? Should you suffer through and just laugh about it tomorrow with your girlfriends? A noble choice, but no collegiette™ should stand for a dude's poor performance. Here are some ways to make your escape:
- ALWAYS have a friend check-in on you via cell during a first-time hookup. If you're having fun, don't answer. If you're not, lunge for your iPhone, ready with your rehearsed phrase, "Oh no, Whitney, you got food poisoning? Oh honey, I'll be there right away."
- You could fake food poisoning yourself. Run to the bathroom, gather up your things, and apologize on your way out the door, "I knew I shouldn't have tried the dining hall sushi!"
- Start crying. "You remind me of my ex-boyfriend, and I just have so many FEEELLINGGS!!" Dude will be turned off for sure.
- Pull the old sleep-and-run. Pretend to pass out, and then sneak out once he has too. Or go ahead and have a nice little nap and leave when you're ready.
- Be honest. It's a bold move, but you could just tell him you're not into it. You won't be saving his feelings, but maybe he'll be moved to improve for the next girl that comes his way!
There you have it, ladies. Be warned by collegiettes'™ past nooky nightmares that not every hookup is a good one! Next time a dude gets weird on you, remember your tips and get out of there. Here's to never getting unlucky again!
How to Save Money in Relationships
As collegiettes™, most of us do not have a limitless expendable income. Plus, if we did, it would go to food, drinks, nights out, new clothes, new shoes, new makeup… you catch my drift. Despite our minimal access to money, we tend to go over-the-top when it comes to relationship spending. From special "date nights" to constant upkeep to gift-giving to traveling, it can be tough to save when you have a boyfriend. Psh, and they call US high-maintenance. But, here at Her Campus, we care about your bank account. That's why we're ranked the top three relationship monetary drains and how you can manage them… and no, the answer is not to dump your boyfriend… OR make him pay for everything! To put things into perspective, I tallied my most recent gift purchases for my current boyfriend. The results, I have to say, were not pretty given that I do not have a job or to be honest, a lot of savings. Christmas: Personalized Scrapbook ($50); Lacoste Pullover ($70) Birthday: Gift Card ($40); Framed Pictures ($20) Anniversary: Game ($30); Sweatshirt ($40) Valentine's Day: Sweatshirt ($50) So, in total, in the past TWO months, which I will admit may not be typical since his birthday and our anniversary are just bad timing for my bank account, I have spent $300 on presents alone. My birthday also happens to fall during this timeframe, but somehow my boyfriend has been able to spend about half of what I did, which shows that in some relationships girls bear the brunt of expenses. So, how do we save? Although we have a tendency to think that guys aren't interested in sentimental value, the majority of them are! "My girlfriend always gives me homemade presents," says Matt, a student the University of Illinois. "Sometimes they are really cheesy, but they usually mean the most to me." You sacrifice time for money in making homemade presents, but it just shows how dedicated you are to the relationship, my dears! However, I will say that minimal spending is involved for materials, but the cost is small! Here are some ideas that we came up with: Since gift giving has a tendency to spiral out of control, some couples choose to put limits on their spending so they can manage the occasions. "My boyfriend and I usually put a maximum amount on how much we can spend on gifts," says Melissa, a student at Indiana University. "The only time we didn't do this was for our one-year anniversary because it was really special, and we wanted to buy each other lasting presents. We bought each other expensive jewelry that we engraved with a personal message." Make sure you are on the same page with your boyfriend by explaining how much you can realistically spend. If you agree to a number that's too high for your budget, you will only end up resenting your boyfriend… but that goes both ways, girls! Don't be offended if your boyfriend suggests a low price cap – he may not have the money to spend either! "I suggested to my girlfriend that we put a $10 limit on gift giving at Christmas this year," says John, a student at the University of Missouri. "At first she was upset, but then she realized that it probably made sense for her financially, too." And finally, make sure you both are ready to stick to the agreement. Your gift exchange will be embarrassingly uncomfortable if he gets a new iPod from you, and you get a teddy bear. Don't say I didn't warn you! To give you an idea, we have a list of cute gift ideas for under $10:
There is nothing better in the world than the gift of time. Instead of buying gifts for special occasions, why not a plan a romantic night out or a fun date? "When it comes to special occasions, my boyfriend and I don't exchange gifts," says Katrina, a student at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. "Instead, we just plan a fun day or night, and we agree to split the cost." In addition to gift giving, many couples also feel the need to plan a date for holidays, anniversaries and birthdays, which only adds to the overall cost. Instead, head out to a dinner for two with an activity afterwards (movie, ice skating, mini golf, concert, etc.) and split the cost. That way, you each spend a similar amount, and you are able to spend time together, which is money well spent! Here are some potential ideas for day dates: We all love to look good for our guy and of course, for ourselves, too! However, the cost of constant upkeep is high and seemingly endless. From waxing to haircuts to makeup to clothes, there are tons of different ways we spend money on looking good. "I spend so much money on trying to maintain my appearance that there isn't much left for anything else," says Alyssa, a student at the University of Missouri. "And sometimes, I don't think my boyfriend can even tell the difference." Well, ladies, even if your boyfriend doesn't notice, you do! So we have ways to save when it comes to keeping up appearances! With endless parties and events, it seems there is always a reason for new clothes. However, that also explains why your bank account is dwindling. But there ways to save! First, head to stores on Thursday when you are most likely to get the weekend sales price while the store is still fully stocked with merchandise. If you wait until the weekend, most of the good stuff will be gone! If you purchase something and it later goes on sale, head back to the store! Usually, the store is more than willing to refund the difference so you can receive the sales price, but remember: you should always ask if your purchases are going to be on sale anytime soon you are buying them. Many times, the clerk will give you the sales price if he/she knows what it will be. Furthermore, take advantage of end-of-the-season sales by buying in advance. It may seem counter-intuitive to buy bikinis in September, but you'll thank yourself later! And finally, if you're like me and have unused gift cards sitting in your wallet to stores you'll probably never visit, swap them out on websites like ! Then, you can buy something you actually want! When it comes to haircuts and waxing, preparation is key. Many salons recommend getting a haircut every two to three months, and depending on where you go, it can be very expensive. "I asked my salon to cut my hair in a style that I could grow into," says Katrina. "It was minimal maintenance and upkeep, so I didn't have to return for a new cut as often as usual, and they gave me free trims!" Katrina went on to explain that the cut was slightly more expensive than usual, but it was worth it in the long run. If you tell your stylist that you would like to come in less often, she will be willing to work with you! Never be afraid to convey your needs. When it comes to waxing, invest in a good pair of tweezers. On your initial visit, ask your esthetician for a particular shape, and then you can maintain it at home. In addition, you can always buy an at-home waxing kit – check out the Bliss Poetic Waxing Microwaveable Waxing Kit - for all of your needs, whether it be eyebrows, underarms, legs, bikini, etc. You'll thank yourself later! And finally, many beauty schools offer discounted prices on services (like haircuts, waxing, hair color) if you're willing to let students handle your appearance. They are usually supervised by a professional, and they are much more likely to pay attention to detail since they want a recommendation from you! At , you will find a list of the top Cosmetology schools in the country, so you can contact the one nearest you for an appointment. If you're at all like me, then you love to buy new makeup – there is always something new! This can get expensive though, and there is no reason for it to be. Take advantage of free gifts with purchases if there is a particular cosmetics brand that you like, as you are already spending the money, so why not receive something in return? Befriend a woman at the counter, so she can update you on when they are offering free gifts with purchases! In addition, she can alert you when the new merchandise is coming in. Many companies will sell you the older colors at a discounted price… that is, if you ask! Furthermore, ask for samples! If you spend a lot of time at the counter trying on makeup, but are unsure about buying, ask the clerk if you can take home a few samples to try. Usually, they are more than willing to supply you with the colors, and the samples tend to last for at least a week, or two! "When I go shopping for makeup, I take pictures of my favorite items," says Mallory, a student at Boston College. "Then, I head to the local drugstore and match the brands, so I get the color I like at the drugstore price!" And finally, sites like offer brands like Urban Decay, Lancôme, and Too Faced at discounted prices. Make sure to shop around for the best deal!
As we all know, dates tend to add up. From dinner to dessert to a movie, the overall cost of a night out forces many couples to stay in. And as my boyfriend likes to say, once you reach the "marriage phase," it's unnecessary to go out anyway. Um, right. But there are ways to plan dates that are not only fun, but also inexpensive. If you are a new couple looking for some ideas, or an old couple in the "marriage phase" looking to spice things up, we have of ideas. "As the weather gets warmer, my boyfriend and I love to do stuff outside," says Mallory. "Sometimes even just taking a walk after it rains can be the most romantic date ever." Here are some other ideas with the approximate cost: "My girlfriend and I love to see movies together, but that can get kind of boring," says Pat, a student at the University of Illinois. "So we like to discover places together, whether it be a new restaurant in town or a performance by a local artist." Here are some ideas with the approximate cost: WHY IT'S IMPORTANT It may seem ridiculous to start saving money now, but remember that thinking about the future is important! There are many unknowns that come with graduating from college like where you will live, what you will do for a living, etc. so if you have some savings to fall back on, you will feel much more secure. Here are some common things to think about saving for: Ladies, we all know that relationships are expensive, but as you can see there are ways to manage the costs. Saving money now will lead to exciting things later, and you will be glad that you sought out cheap alternatives to gifts, upkeep and dates. As intelligent, independent Her Campus readers, you have all the resources you need to make responsible decisions regarding money. Buy your boyfriend the keychain, and grab yourself a sexy top… we're sure he won't be complaining. Good luck, collegiettes™! College students from across the country
Being Single For the First Time Since I Was 13 - Part 2
After Jake, I found myself full of bitter resentment for love and anything surrounding it. My mouth filled with pregurgitative spit at the sight of couples holding hands. I rolled my eyes at romantic comedies starring Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan, and the like. I became particularly fond of saying statements like, "Love is not real" or, even more, "Love is not worth it." This angst only lasted for a few months, however. Jake and I ended in November of my sophomore year and by February I was already texting Zach daily, falling right back into my old patterns and not trying at all to resist them. Zach and I dated for a little over a year, most of the time spent struggling through a long-distance relationship. He went to college in Boston and I was still a high school student in South Florida. With Zach, so many of the other defining parts of my personality and life just faded away. I was defined by being his girlfriend. Rather than attend events at my high school, I would stay home to talk on the phone with him. I really did not have any friends while I was with Zach—I spent most of my weekends visiting him or making money to visit him. I really did not make any of my own decisions while I was with Zach—he was adamantly against smoking and drinking, so I opted out of those typical teenage activities, which, yes, was very possibly a good decision, but it wasn't my good decision. I would have rather I destroyed IQ points with liquor stolen from my parents on a Saturday night, if that was what I wanted, but I had not stopped to think about what it was I wanted. I knew that I wanted a boyfriend. That was the most important thing to me, so I did not even consider the sacrifices I was making to have that. I did not even stop to think if there were better options out there for me. Even a silly thing like what bands I liked and what movies I found appealing were altered during my time spent with Zach. I was not my own person. I was his person. I went from being Jake's to Zach's and I had no idea how to stand alone.
Zach and I broke up before I entered college for reasons similar to my break-up with Jeff four years earlier—I wanted to be single in college. In fact, the one goal I had set out for myself was to remain single throughout my entire freshman year. After all, you only get to be a freshman in college once, right? I found myself in a relationship by November. I say "I found myself" because that's really what it felt like—that I had just fallen into it, without any control or consent. I met Jon my first day of freshman year and we bonded instantly as close friends. For awhile, things were strictly platonic, but I soon realized that he was looking at my differently and that I was beginning to look at him differently. Right before Thanksgiving Break we kissed each other and it felt right—I felt like I could be myself around him. Jon and I fell in love in a way I never have previously. He was my best friend. We told each other everything. We were insanely attracted to each other. We even studied abroad together and it was during that experience that I watched our relationship slowly, but surely die and, as I did so, I had a strange thought, a thought I had never had before—I want to be single. Not "I want to be single because I am moving to a different state or a different school," but "I want to be single because it's time for me to learn how to stand alone."
I often find myself saying that I was a way more interesting person when I was thirteen. On the surface, this statement makes no sense. When I was thirteen I piled on orange makeup and spent the majority of my time perfecting my MySpace profile. But I also had really sturdy and strong notions about love. I imagined how massive it would feel when I fell in love and I was determined to hold out for a love like that. Undoubtedly, I have been in love, but I would never describe that love as massive and I'm unsure exactly when I decided I would be okay with that. I assume it was somewhere around the time that I decided I would focus more on my relationship with males than my relationship with myself. For years, I have put an extreme amount of effort into my romantic relationships. I have flown across the country for a boy, I have used all my babysitting money to buy concert tickets, and I have failed exams because I was up all night on the phone with a boy. Undoubtedly, I have taken risks in an attempt to tap into the inner psyche of whatever boy I was in a relationship with at that time. And, yet, I have never taken the time to get to know myself with that same passion. I want to commit the same time and energy that I have to Jake and Zach and Jon to me. I do not believe I can have a successful relationship until I begin to feel secure standing alone. It is time for me to look at all the incredible things in my life and in myself and gain security from those.
Although I truly do want to be single, I have found it incredibly easy to go back to my old habits these past two months. Recently, I found myself in the apartment of an attractive male. We discussed the fact that we both were not interested in having a relationship, but I still felt myself developing a crush on him. Admittedly, I felt safe and desired with him, which is something I find difficult to feel when I'm standing alone. A few days after I spent the night, he rejected me, giving me an inappropriately serious speech for our casual relationship. Four years ago, three years, ago, two years ago, one year ago I would have tried harder. I would have altered bits and pieces of my personality in an attempt to woo this human. But I cannot do that anymore. I cannot, and will not, focus on a relationship with a boy I hardly know. Instead, I am choosing to focus my time on a relationship with a girl I have neglected for far too long.
Sources:
http://blog.tinyprints.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Kids-in-Love1.jpg
Zach and I broke up before I entered college for reasons similar to my break-up with Jeff four years earlier—I wanted to be single in college. In fact, the one goal I had set out for myself was to remain single throughout my entire freshman year. After all, you only get to be a freshman in college once, right? I found myself in a relationship by November. I say "I found myself" because that's really what it felt like—that I had just fallen into it, without any control or consent. I met Jon my first day of freshman year and we bonded instantly as close friends. For awhile, things were strictly platonic, but I soon realized that he was looking at my differently and that I was beginning to look at him differently. Right before Thanksgiving Break we kissed each other and it felt right—I felt like I could be myself around him. Jon and I fell in love in a way I never have previously. He was my best friend. We told each other everything. We were insanely attracted to each other. We even studied abroad together and it was during that experience that I watched our relationship slowly, but surely die and, as I did so, I had a strange thought, a thought I had never had before—I want to be single. Not "I want to be single because I am moving to a different state or a different school," but "I want to be single because it's time for me to learn how to stand alone."
I often find myself saying that I was a way more interesting person when I was thirteen. On the surface, this statement makes no sense. When I was thirteen I piled on orange makeup and spent the majority of my time perfecting my MySpace profile. But I also had really sturdy and strong notions about love. I imagined how massive it would feel when I fell in love and I was determined to hold out for a love like that. Undoubtedly, I have been in love, but I would never describe that love as massive and I'm unsure exactly when I decided I would be okay with that. I assume it was somewhere around the time that I decided I would focus more on my relationship with males than my relationship with myself. For years, I have put an extreme amount of effort into my romantic relationships. I have flown across the country for a boy, I have used all my babysitting money to buy concert tickets, and I have failed exams because I was up all night on the phone with a boy. Undoubtedly, I have taken risks in an attempt to tap into the inner psyche of whatever boy I was in a relationship with at that time. And, yet, I have never taken the time to get to know myself with that same passion. I want to commit the same time and energy that I have to Jake and Zach and Jon to me. I do not believe I can have a successful relationship until I begin to feel secure standing alone. It is time for me to look at all the incredible things in my life and in myself and gain security from those.
Although I truly do want to be single, I have found it incredibly easy to go back to my old habits these past two months. Recently, I found myself in the apartment of an attractive male. We discussed the fact that we both were not interested in having a relationship, but I still felt myself developing a crush on him. Admittedly, I felt safe and desired with him, which is something I find difficult to feel when I'm standing alone. A few days after I spent the night, he rejected me, giving me an inappropriately serious speech for our casual relationship. Four years ago, three years, ago, two years ago, one year ago I would have tried harder. I would have altered bits and pieces of my personality in an attempt to woo this human. But I cannot do that anymore. I cannot, and will not, focus on a relationship with a boy I hardly know. Instead, I am choosing to focus my time on a relationship with a girl I have neglected for far too long.Sources:
http://blog.tinyprints.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Kids-in-Love1.jpg
Being Single For the First Time Since I Was 13 - Part 1
It would be all too easy to blame my serial dating on my parents' very messy, very public divorce. It would be all too easy to cite an over-generalizing quote by Sigmund Freud concerning paternal issues. It would be all too easy to overanalyze my situation and claim that, in my relationships, I look for the love that my parents, after twenty-seven years of marriage, let go of. It would be easy, but it would also be unfair and just plain wrong. After all, when I met my first boyfriend, Michael Negie of Donna Klein Jewish Academy, I was only five-years-old and my family still went on vacations to Club Med together and ate dinner promptly at 6 o'clock each night. No, this obsession, this addiction, seems to be something innate inside of me. Being in a relationship is, if nothing else, my natural state—it's what feels comfortable to me. For the first time since I was thirteen, I am actively fighting against this. At 19 years old, I am single and I am terrified.
My first boyfriend might have been Michael Negie (he was also, technically, my first husband—we got married on the playground. The bride wore Gymboree and the groom wore Baby Gap), but my first relationship was with Jeff Alden. We began dating in the winter of eighth grade, our relationship consummating at the Annual Eighth Grade Winter Dance and developing into a sweet, innocent connection. Our mothers would drive us to the movie theatre and we would blissfully hold hands. We would ride our bikes to each other's homes and sit across the room from one another, petrified to touch the other one. Sometimes, if we were feeling particularly confident, we would engage in the kind of kiss that is typically reserved for PG movies or television shows on The Disney Channel. It was all sweet fun. We said "I love you" without any concern for the gravity of those three little words. We had no concern for anything. I was actually the one to end things with Jeff. I broke up with him the summer before entering high school—"I want to be single in high school," I remember telling him. "I want to be able to go out with my friends and not have to worry about having a boyfriend." I was certainly lying to him, but I don't remember if I was lying to myself as well—I don't remember if this is something I actually believed or if I just wanted to be with someone fresh, someone new.
It became very clear very early on that being single in high school was not in the cards for me. The first day of my freshman year I locked eyes with a boy two years my senior. "I must meet him," I told my friends. I didn't know anything about him—not that his name was Jake Giorgio, not that he drove a shiny red car without a single concern for speed limits, not that he did not have a single concern for any limits, and not that he would break my heart in a way I wasn't aware it was capable of breaking.
I met Jake formally at the Homecoming Dance, which, at the time, felt like the most important event in the world. At the time, I was having difficulty adjusting to high school—my group of friends had shifted, my father had recently moved out, and I was having difficulty in my classes, but when Jake asked me to slow dance, all of that faded away into oblivion. All that mattered was the way his arm felt draped around my waist. After the dance we began seeing each other daily, much to my mother's concern. She did not approve of her youngest child dating someone older and, somehow, her disapproval made our relationship seem more significant. I felt like we were part of some great love story—the two teenagers who had to sneak out in the middle of the night to steal kisses from one another.
Jake was the first person I fell in love with. His was the first body I got to know as well as my own. His was the first brain I got to know as well as my own. Everything that happened with Jake was incredibly intense; from our first passionate kiss in his shiny red car to our first passionate fight in his bedroom. Our relationship ended just as it began—fast. One moment we were lying in his bed, holding hands and sharing secrets. The next moment I was finding out that he cheated on me and sobbing my eyes out in the way that you can only after your very first heartbreak. I remember blaming myself for him cheating on me. I felt that had I been prettier or smarter or funnier than he would not have felt the necessity to stick his tongue down the throat of another girl. It would take years for me to realize that his actions were a result of something within him, not anything having to do with me. There is that idiom about how it's "better to have loved and to have lost than never to have loved at all" and, while I generally agree with the idea that it's better to feel pain than no emotion; it's better to have heartbreak than complete numbness, I often wonder if my life and my views on relationships would be better had I not fallen so deeply in love with this boy who had a penchant for getting high in his attic alone (this made we want to save him) and ignoring me (this made me want to be better for him). Perhaps I would not be so dependent on having a romantic relationship in my life had my first serious one not been so complex, but, alas, it was and, alas, I am.
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