TV Doesn't Rot Your Brain!: Lessons To Learn in Love from Our Favorite TV Characters

I watch a fair amount of television. It gets prioritized over non-essential homework (but not prioritized over sleeping or going out). And over the years I've learned quite few things while sprawled out on the couch, in a snuggie, eating chips (wow, what a visual). I've learned how to spot elephantiasis–one of my favorite strange diseases. I've learned that you can achieve fame from being an obnoxious Apprentice contestant (Omarosa) or from singing a horrible song on American Idol (I'm looking at you William Hung). I've also learned some more important lessons. Full House taught me that any problem can be solved in a neat 30-minute episode (not to be confused with Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen's "we'll solve any crime by dinnertime" lesson). Grey's Anatomy told me to always figure out the career of your hook-ups so you can anticipate seeing them on the first day of work if necessary. And Hannah Montana taught me that anyone you know might be a popstar on the side.
 
Because of all the wonderful lessons that can be learned from television, I have compiled a list of some things you can learn from television shows—the dos and the don'ts of romance. Take note my friends...or you might end up like Marissa Cooper (or worse, Mischa Barton).
 
Lesson 1: How to Choose Between The Bad Guy and the Prep...er...Water Polo Player

 
The O.C. taught us a lot about love and life. Marissa Cooper was given the ultimate decision to make—the rich guy or the wrong-side-of-the-tracks guy. Luke, the water polo guy, was the ultimate rich snob; conceited and prestigious, a rather lethal combination. Luke taught us that until you are humbled by something like your father coming out of the closet, you're going to stay conceited and prestigious. Ryan, the Chino tough guy, taught us that once you teach a bad boy not to fight, he will be at your beck and call (probably looking to save you). Marissa chose the bad guys, but the only bad guys that worked out for her were the ones with actual potential (seen by Sandy Cohen's keen eyes). So don't judge a book by its cover because the 'bad guy' may actually be a good guy in disguise.
 
Hey Marissa, you know what bad guy didn't have potential? Volchok, who basically killed you
 
Lesson: Watch out for bad guys without potential. Ask Sandy Cohen, or another benevolent attorney from the public defender's office, if you aren't sure if he has potential to be a life-saving, UC: Berkley qualified stud like Ryan Atwood.
 
Other things you can learn from The O.C. —

• Giving the creepy nerd (Seth) who has a crush on you (Summer) a chance might end up for the best.
• Dating your boss (Seth and Alex) is something to be wary of.
• Don't date someone just because your mom advises you to (Marissa and Luke) or because she specifically advises you against it (Marissa and D.J./Alex/Ryan).

Lesson 2: A Relationship Based Purely on Sex Has Little Chance of Working in the Long Run

 
Guilty pleasure The Secret Life of the American Teenager is full of Brenda Hampton (creator of 7th Heaven) puritanical lessons. But one is actually legit. Adrian and Ricky (so hot.) have a relationship based on booty calls. Now, maybe you've had one of these, maybe you've watched your friend go through one of these "relationships." Regardless of how you know about them, you know what I'm talking about. Physically gratifying? Check! Emotionally gratifying? Um, not so much. Adrian and Ricky are not together right now. Sure they tried the whole emotions, love, dreaming of marriage thing. But it didn't work. And then Adrian became a huge ho and took another guy's virginity. But that's neither here nor there.
 
Lesson: If you're looking for love, don't start out with a booty-call-only relationship. Nine times out of ten you will end up alone in that bed as soon as he gets what he wants, not in a loving embrace. Fail.
 
Other things you can learn from Secret Life —

• Just because someone (Amy/Ricky) is having a baby with someone else, doesn't mean you can't have a fully functional relationship with them and their child (Ben, baby John).
• Use a condom.

Lesson 3: Get Over One Guy Before Moving On to the Next

 
Ah, Sex & The City, you taught us so much. I could go on and on about various lessons learned, but one sticks out in particular (possibly because it was revisited in the second movie). Carrie wasn't over Big...and instead of focusing on herself and really getting over him, she just moved on to the next guy. Not unique to Carrie, but Carrie showed us how badly this can end up—for you and your rebound guy. Carrie's rebound guy, the hunky Aidan, fell hard for her and ended up proposing. Remember the adorable Carrie and Aidan wedding? No you don't, because it never happened. Carrie broke poor Aidan's heart...because she still loved Big.
 
Lesson: If you want your next relationship to be healthy and successful, spend adequate time getting over your ex. Don't break someone else's heart so you can get over your own heartache.
 
Other things you can learn from S&TC — 

• Just because he comes from a good family, it doesn't mean you'll have sexual chemistry (Trey and Charlotte)
• Don't sleep with your married ex-boyfriend in his home, you may end up being chased out of the apartment by his wife, causing her to fall, and sending you to the hospital with her (Big, Natasha and Carrie)
• Not everyone tells you when they've found out they had an STD (Miranda).

Lesson 4: There's No Such Thing as a Casual Hook Up With Your Male BFF

To quote AIM profiles of your 7th grade past: "A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever"
 
Wow, insightful stuff there. But probably true as Dan Humphrey and Vanessa Abrams of Gossip Girl so gently taught us the night they engaged in a threesome with Hilary Duff...er…Olivia Burke.
 
Dan and Vanessa thought they could engage in a harmless (umm, no) threesome as per the NYU list of things to do before you graduate. (Sidenote: Her Campus found no other college lists mandating a threesome as things to do before you graduate. Way to be rebellious fictional version of NYU). After the fact Nate said you're always supposed to have the third person be a stranger. Silly Dan, don't put your BFFAEAE in the mix. Fortunately for them, after the awkwardness went away they ended up as a cute couple. But sometimes it doesn't work out so well and just sticks at awkward.
 
Lesson: Be mindful of what friends you decide to 'casually' hook up with. Once the line is crossed it can be hard to turn back. So think carefully, or don't take that umpteenth shot with your guy BFF.
 
Other things you can learn from Gossip Girl —

• Be careful with whom you lose your virginity with—you'll never get it back (Jenny and Chuck)
• When taking someone on 'the best date ever' be original and fun (Dan)
• Nothing good can come from sleeping with your ex-boyfriend's uncle (Blair).

Lesson 5: Be Careful Who You Get Into a Long Distance Relationship With

 
Oh how I miss the Jersey Shore and all it taught me (GTL anyone?). One incredibly important lesson reiterated in this show—be careful about doing the long distance thing. Hey Tom…when your girlfriend's promo on the show quotes her as saying "I am like a praying mantis, after I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off" and "I have a bad habit of playing little emotional games with men. When they date me it's cool in the beginning, we do our thing in the first month, and then I send them on a rollercoaster ride to hell"you can't be all that surprised when she gets down and dirty with Pauly D. Tom and JWoww should have had a conversation. Perhaps something like Tom saying "dancing to club music the way I have seen you do counts as cheating" and JWoww could say back "hey baby buy me all these clothes." Fun fact: They are still together. Other fun fact: I bet if this were you and your boyfriend, you probably wouldn't still be together. Unless he's kind of a schmuck.

 Lesson: Clarify cheating to your significant other—especially if they are long distance!
 
Other things you can learn from Jersey Shore —

• Never fall in love at the Jersey Shore (Ronnie and Sammi)
• Beware of stage five clingers (Pauly D)
• Few girls find begging attractive (The Situation).

So there you have it, legitimate things you can learn from TV. So sit back, catch some reruns, and the next time you're criticized for being a couch potato, just explain how much you can learn from watching other people on TV make mistakes!