Step Away From the Ben & Jerry's: How to Move On From A Break-Up & When Break-Up Depression Gets More Serious - Part 2
"Even if she thinks the problems were mainly his fault, she needs to ask herself what went wrong and what could she do differently next time. What can she fix about her appearance? How can she curtail her clingy behavior? And so on. For some break-ups, this may be enough. And, in time, the woman will just naturally move on."
For the surveyed collegiettes ™, it was friends, family, and new boys that helped them get past their break-up.
"I tried to remind myself of why it wouldn't have worked, and that I didn't need to be with someone who could leave me so easily. I reminded myself that I will move on, and everything happens for a reason. Surely, I'd find someone even better." — Hayley*, Senior, University of Michigan
"I really focused on myself. I did the things I love that I hadn't been able to do forever because he had consumed me for two years. I reconnected with old friends. I bonded with my family. And I enjoyed being single and getting to know myself again." — Sarah*, senior, Iowa State University
"I wouldn't let myself talk about him, wouldn't let myself talk to him, and wouldn't online stalk him" — Liza*, junior, Arizona State University
"I dated someone else who was completely different from the guy before. I later compared the two and realized how blind I was before" — Sarah*, Senior, University of Iowa
"I read It's Called a Break-up Because It's Broken" — Heather*, Senior, University of Arizona
"I spent more time with my friends. I avoided him until I had fully moved on from the break-up. Then, I resumed contact with him and built a lasting friendship" — Cara*, Freshman, Harvard College
"Friends, they can always distract you with fun activities and girls-only outings. Finding a new guy doesn't hurt either"— Alex*, Senior, Boston College
"Friends, lots of wine and Sex and the City episodes, preoccupying myself with school and work. I also lived away from home the summer following the break-up" — Molly, Junior, Franklin & Marshall College
"I focused on the bad in him and the relationship and played a game with myself... it was like a competition to see how long I could go without contacting or speaking about him" — Brittany*, Senior, Syracuse University
How To Determine When You Need Professional Help
For those who feel they just can't move on after some serious sulking, Dr. Lieberman recommends seeking professional help—especially when the sadness turns into a clinical depression.
"Each girl needs to decide on her own how long to wait before seeking professional help. In general, if the depression lasts longer than a month, it would be valuable to seek help," she said.
When experiencing the following symptoms for over a month you should consider professional help:
- Sleeping too much or too little
- Eating too much or too little
- Loss of pleasure in life
- Thoughts of suicide
"But, for some girls, help may be needed sooner," she said. "For example, if a girl is feeling suicidal, or stops going to class, or starts drinking or using drugs to try to cope - these would be signs that help is needed ASAP," she said.
Dr. Lieberman said in cases when professional help should be obtained, the campus counseling center is a good place to start.
"The first stop could well be the campus counseling center because it is easily accessible and presumably free. But, if the girl feels as though she needs help at a more sophisticated or more intense level than is offered on campus, she should contact the psychiatry department of the nearest medical school and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy, not just medication," she said.
From those who have done it
In the Her Campus survey, 29 collegiettes ™ said they thought about seeking professional help after their break-up, and 22 actually did.
Kelly*, a sophomore at Harvard College, said she went to see a therapist to help her find clarity.
"There were days when I couldn't think about anything else, replaying scenes from our relationship over and over again in my head, and I needed someone to help me refocus, and realize that not everything was my fault," she said.
Trisha*, a senior at New York University, who also sought professional help after a break-up, found it was extremely helpful to talk to someone other than friends and family.
"I was so incredibly sad," Trisha* said. "It did help to talk about it. I felt like everyone in my life was sick of hearing about it so it was nice to talk to someone else."
Other young women went because they thought it would be helpful to hear an objective opinion on the situation.
"I did see a therapist for about six months, breaking-up with my boyfriend of almost three years was a serious life change, and as much as I love all my friends, I needed an objective opinion and a person I could go to and selfishly talk and cry all I needed. Even though therapy was temporary, it was incredibly helpful for sorting out my thoughts and emotions," said Lisa*, a senior at Northeastern University.
And Kathryn*, a junior at the University of Michigan, went because she also felt like her friends were tired of hearing her talk about it.
"I went, and it was very helpful. I felt like I was annoying my friends when I talked about it all the time, but my counselor made sure that I knew that my feelings were legitimate and that she would always be there to listen. My only regret is that I didn't go more often. I went maybe 6 times last year, and I think I could still benefit from going today," she said.
Kim*, a senior at Brigham Young University, realized she needed more help than just friends and family when she noticed her health was at risk after her break-up.
"I was up crying all day and night. I had no appetite; I lost 7 pounds in 5 days. I spent many years with this person and could not imagine life without him. I ended up going to a psychologist and received anti-depressants," she said.
The fact is a failed relationship is just that, a failure, and in any area of your life when you don't succeed, chances are you're going to be feeling down. It's also a big change in your life, especially when you've spent so much time with that one person. Not all of these college women surveyed were the ones who were dumped either: 53 percent said "he broke-up with me," 39 percent broke-up with him, and 12 percent said it was a mutual decision. No matter who wanted it to end, the fact is that it ended and the same feelings were felt.
I know all too well what these women have gone through, because I've been moving on from a break-up that happened about four months ago. I've experienced some really bad days and some really good days, I've questioned my own emotional stability, I've wondered if my still feeling down was "normal," or if "there was something wrong with me." But after hearing the experiences of 100 girls, and going through my own, I've learned that no break-up is the same, friends and family truly are the best remedies, and if you feel like you need to seek professional help to get over the break-up— that's absolutely okay.
*Name has been changed
Sources:
Anonymous college students from around the country
Dr. Carole Lieberman, psychiatrist and author of Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets
Another collegiette™ said she felt her post-break-up blues were caused by feeling like she was missing out on something by being single again.
We had discussed taking some time apart for those very reasons, and my boyfriend constantly told me to enjoy being a senior with no responsibilities and to not feel like I had to call him all the time to tell him what I was doing. The problem was that I wanted to talk to him all the time, and the fact that he encouraged me to stay out until all hours of the night and not worry about checking in didn't help. We decided together to take an official "break" with the hope of reevaluating and rekindling after graduation, and he told me that he wanted me to have the time of my life so I wouldn't look back ten years from now and think that I missed out on a crazy senior year. I shed some tears – a lot of tears – that Wednesday night, but knew our decision was for the best.
My first night in three years as a single college student was interesting, to say the least. With a single complex and a slight buzz from the Japanese wine, my roommates and I ventured to our Thursday night haunt, Lucy's, a surfer bar famous for its strong fishbowls and super bro frat guys. My roommates clung to me like Janis Ian and Damian clung to Cady Heron on her first day of high school, eager to make sure I had a great night. And that I did. I flirted with some potential suitors and scored a bunch of free drinks, both things I did while I still had a boyfriend, but this time, it felt different. I had an entirely new attitude about going out, and I felt so carefree about everything. I had no intention of hooking up with anyone, but not knowing where the night would take me was exciting, and brought me back to a place I hadn't been since high school. Even if I wasn't going to act on it, the idea of being single felt great, and I felt my fun factor increase tenfold. 
