Real Live College Guy Answers Your Love Life Questions: Spending the Night, and What College Guys Think About Marriage
Got a burning love life q? Consult our Real Live College Guy (he also goes by Chase). Each month, our RLCG will take you inside the college guy's brain to demystify your tricky, sticky, icky love (can you even call it that?) situations.
Ready? Here goes...
Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Any time I'm over a guy's room hooking up with him or he is over my room, I'm never sure when is the proper time to leave. This goes both for times when you stay the night and times when you don't. So actually my first question is, how can you tell if he actually wants you to stay the night or is just saying that? When should you take him up on his offer versus decide to go home? And then, who should initiate leaving? I don't want it to feel like I'm kicking a guy out or leaving his room abruptly, but I also don't want to overstay my welcome, and I can never tell who should leave when! How can I tell if he wants me to leave or wants to leave my room? –In Limbo at Louisiana
Leaving and staying fall into a few situational categories:
One Night Sloppy – If you end up back at YOUR place with a guy after grinding for hours and five to fifteen whiskey sours (on his tab of course), the sleepover decision really falls with the girl. Guys, in general, feel an obligation to remain in the bed and "cuddle" until morning. Most guys, however, prefer the comfort of their own bed instead of with some semi-stranger in some semi-strange place. Unless some romantic connection quickly drew you together and love is steaming from the sheet-less mattress, it's probably smart to tell the guy that you "have trouble sleeping in the same bed as someone" or "need to get up early for work." Give him an opportunity to get out. He may insist on staying – meaning he doesn't mind spending the night (and may even like you). At least give him a chance to decide though, because most guys won't ever risk looking nasty by trying to leave.
At his place, the same theory applies. A normal guy won't throw you out like leftover Rice-a-Roni, but would most likely not want to have that strange girl in his bed. Pretend like you need to leave and see what he says. If he insists more than a couple times, he's probably telling the truth and not faking it. Then the decision is up to you.
Leaving Without Him Hating Me– So, like guys, I am sure many girls also don't want a strange guy in their bed. If he keeps insisting on staying, tell him the truth. Tell him you like having a bed to yourself and you "can't sleep with someone around." I think the key to making sure he doesn't think you are 'throwing him out' is in the goodbye. Three things: Smile, walk him to the door, and make plans to meet again. He won't leave your room thinking that you might hate him if he knows you want to see him again.
Again, at his place tell him the truth. Tell him you would like to go home, but then follow up with the smile and future plans. Trust me, he won't mind at all if you explain the situation. Hopefully, he'll walk you back which can lead to a more pleasant bonding experience than sleeping anyways. A wise president of a college Feminist in Action Club states, "Listen hunny, be real with yourself. Do you really want to stay? What did you expect out of this relationship. If you want to hook up, be a swagger queen and make him feel used."
Morning Realization —If the sun is up and you both are awake, I think it's time to leave. Unless it's a few dates into the relationship, there is no reason to stay much past a good morning kiss. He'll probably (if not definitely) offer you some breakfast. I'd suggest turning it down. Give him some space.
What do college guys think about marriage? Do they think about whether or not they could marry the girls they date now, or does it not even enter into their minds yet? –Wondering at Waterloo
Personally, it's never entered my mind. Marriage is a distant planet only Lady Gaga has been to. Yet, many college guys do embrace the idea of marriage. Every year more and more guys tell me "I could see myself marrying her" or "she's the one." However, aside from the ultra-religious or overwhelmingly long-term high school extended relationships, guys will rarely ever consider immediate marriage while in school. Most guys expect to wait until they get a stable job and settle down somewhere. Thus, college guys are waiting. Clearly, this overly simplistic question allows for an overly simplistic breakdown of college guys into two categories:
Quantity – The stereotype of a "Quantity guy" is a big state school fraternity president with a lot to prove. These individuals are in college for everything but marriage. Girls are important for these guys, but they are not ready for serious marriage-bound relationships. They like interacting with girls on a more surface level and marriage is never really mentioned to anyone. I'd recommend staying away from these guys if you want marriage any time soon. The same wise Feminist Club President stated, "I knew a boy who brought a girl upstairs in his fraternity house. After some time, he left alone for the bar and returned with a different girl. Realizing girl #1 was still his bed, he threw #1 out of the house." Stay away.
Quality – The stereotype of a "Quality guy" is the quieter 'nice' guy who doesn't care for the crazy college party scene, but enjoys interacting with girls on an emotional level. Bringing a strange girl home is not really all that pleasurable for them so they tend to get into serious relationships. These guys are also not considering marriage immediately, but do have foresight towards marriage in the future.
Most guys fall somewhere in between and largely alternate back and forth. A close anonymous friend of mine used to religiously read The Game (the universal how-to manual on picking up girls) and approach any and every girl he ever saw with only one intention. As he got a little older, he started to change. Now he is putting his post-college life on hold to follow the love of his life across the country to ensure that she won't forget about him. All this only with the hope that he can one day be with her permanently. Even he recognizes, though, that he wants to wait a few more years before marriage is a serious option.
